Commitment

Commitment

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Mar 26, 2020

This is a sequel to my other post entitled "Responsibility" in this forum.

Once again, I'm writing this from the perspective and world-view of an alpha male hetero dominant, in a TPE 24/7 RL live-in relationship. If that's not your reality, that's OK. Your mileage may vary. I don't mean to disparage any other lifestyle and I'm not saying this is the "Right Way(tm)" for everyone, so please don't take it that way.

Whereas responsibility is core value of the dominant, commitment is the hallmark of the submissive. This commitment is not to him, not to the relationship, and not even to her, but to her own submission, itself. He commands, she either obeys or refuses. If she refuses, the fault, the failure is hers, but the responsibility for it is his. Perhaps he pushed her too far, or too fast. A failure is a setback for both of them.

It is necessary for the submissive to develop and retain a level of commitment to her submission in order to weather the storms that will come. Many girls get into D/s relationships enamored of the thought of submission, and thinking that he will finally give her happiness. Sadly, such relationships often fail. It's not his job to give her happiness, and it's quite impossible for him to do so. Instead, he builds a structured environment for her wherein she can build her own happiness.

She may start out deriving happiness knowing that he is happy with her and her service. But, this won't last. Deriving satisfaction from the happiness of another doesn't ever last. To survive, thrive, grow and be happy, she must learn satisfaction for her own work.

Suppose he leaves her at home, to tend to the laundry, dishes, housework, etc. while he goes out with his friends. Sounds glamorous? No? Welcome to life. At this point, she has many choices:

1) She can throw bleach in the laundery and ruin his clothes.
2) She can have a temper tantrum, and break things.
3) She can walk out and leave him.
4) She can go online and complain to anyone who'll listen about what cad, and how unfair he is; or
5) She can accept that this is her place in his life, and that she's doing what he requires of her; she can learn to take joy and pride in her own work by doing it to the best of her ability.

Consider a janitor working in an office building. At first, he may derive satisfaction knowing that the office workers appreciate his work, that the trash has been taken out, the desks are dusted, and carpets are vaccuumed. But, ultimately, unless he starts to be satisfied from the work of his own hands, this will not last. Unless he comes to understand that the work, in and of itself, is good that he can be proud of it, he will not ultimately be satisfied, nor happy.

So it is with the submissive. Once she finds joy in service, well, the dominant becomes largely irrelevant to her happiness. Which is as it should be.

While this kind of commitment is simple to understand, it's not always easy to achieve. This is where he gives a gentle, but firm guiding hand in her emotional development. He reassures her when she fails, steps back, reassess the situation and guides her towards her recovery. But, she too, must own the failure and rededicate herself to rebuilding and restoring that commitment. He also praises her when she succeeds, relishing in her compliant surrender to his will. This, assures her that she is on the right track, making progress and thriving.

This kind of commitment requires trust which grows and deepens the commitment. The one feeds on and grows the other. Deeper commitment produces deeper trust. Deeper trust allows for deeper commitment.

By keeping in mind her commitment to her own submission, she learns to accept what he orders, cheerfully, instantly, without hesitation and without question. There should time after for discussion, questions and what not, but not at the time of command, NEVER. She learns this slowly, with small steps by trusting that he hasn't harmed her, and doesn't want to. He may take her on a dangerous path, (either emotionally or actually), therefore he requires her obedience in order to assure her safety.

As an example, I pushed my girl out of a "perfectly good" airplane 13,000 feet above ground, (approx 4000 meters). At the time, we'd known each other for about 6 years, but this was during our first week together in the real world. She knew it was coming, I told her I'd do it, months before. She also knew I am an expert skydiver with, (at that time), hundreds of jumps. I hired the best instructor I knew from the drop zone for her tandem jump. And, I taught her what to do. Make no mistake, she was terrified, on the way up to altitude, but she obeyed, because she had that trust, and that commitment. Had she not obeyed every command given her, things could've gone very badly very fast. As it happened, she rather enjoyed the parachute ride back to Earth, (the free fall part not so much). The subsequent aftercare was a delight for both of us.

Commitment, it's all about the commitment.

MeisterGerald​(dom male) • Mar 26, 2020

Another well written post, Skyrich. I think you've explained it beautifully, and I'd just like to remind people that you are speaking of 24/7 live-in TPE.

It's important for new folks to understand the level of commitment and dedication that involves, and that it is a particular niche where unquestioning obedience *has already been negotiated*. Passages like this one;

"By keeping in mind her commitment to her own submission, she learns to accept what he orders, cheerfully, instantly, without hesitation and without question. There should time after for discussion, questions and what not, but not at the time of command, NEVER. She learns this slowly, with small steps by trusting that he hasn't harmed her, and doesn't want to. He may take her on a dangerous path, (either emotionally or actually), therefore he requires her obedience in order to assure her safety.".

might be interpreted incorrectly by someone new. The above applies to an experienced partnership where the trust is mutual and well established, and has been tested and proven.

It ABSOLUTELY does not apply to some new guy a submissive is talking to that tells her not to question things and just do them. Those ones are the instas that Skyrich has spoken of before.

Perhaps you can speak to the timeline, negotiations, and experience level it takes to achieve good 24/7 IRL TPE, Skyrich?

I think it's important for new folks to know that TPE is fairly 'advanced' kink and nothing someone brand new to BDSM should be agreeing to instantly over the internet.

Jolene​(sub female){PapaBear} • Mar 26, 2020

"Once she finds joy in service, well, the dominant becomes largely irrelevant to her happiness. Which is as it should be."

This concept took me so long to realize. As a young woman, late teens, a part of me knew that I was a submissive, but it wasn't until I was my mid-twenties that I began to research and explore what that meant. I have a passion for research. I can spend hours/days/weeks/years in front of the computer dissecting a single word, and that's exactly what I did. Within a short period of time, I could tell you the in's and out's of the lifestyle and explain submission and dominance in detail. What I couldn't do, was put my finger on why it didn't fulfill me. Why was I always angry? Why did I feel empty? There were moments with my husband when I felt delirious and high, and other times I felt so low that I could hardly stand being in my own skin. Why? It only became apparent to me a few months ago.

I was offering my submission as a currency for his dominance. If I'm being "this" submissive, I expected him to be "that" dominant in return. When he wasn't or couldn't be, because of his schedule or because he simply didn't have the will or energy, I would become a harpy. I'd self-sabotage and act out in an attempt to get his reaction. He doesn't tolerate brattiness and has the patience of a saint, so he'd ignore me and my behavior would worsen until finally, after becoming the worse version of myself, I would deflate. After I'd deflate, I would apologize, seek forgiveness, and begin behaving once again. But the cycle continued. Every few weeks or months I'd become hurt when his dominance wasn't constantly present. Why should I always be submissive when he wasn't actively being dominant.

And then it hit me.

Because I wasn't a submissive FOR him. I AM submissive and my submission is a gift that I willingly choose to give him. I'd gotten so addicted to the feeling I get from his dominance that I'd stopped finding happiness in my identity. It was a wake-up call and I'm so glad that I had it because I've been more fulfilled in the last few months than I have been in years.

- Jo

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Mar 26, 2020

God, yes.



Challenge accepted.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Mar 27, 2020

Yes, just as dominant isn't something I *do*, it's something I am. Similarly submissive isn't something you *do*, it's something you *are*. I'm very happy for you that you got that wake-up call.

Be well.

Bunnie • Mar 27, 2020

@ skyrich,

Love this one too... thank you.
I have come to learn that being in service is the only time I get to fully relax in a world that has always told me that I’m too much. That if I want to strive to be my best... I deserve to be “brought down a few notches”... in a place where wanting to do things well is actually seen as a negative.
Finally I found somewhere where not only is my best welcomed... it is expected *swoon* lol and on top of that... I am encouraged to grow further... into all that I am.
A man who is comfortable within himself can see how much value that will bring to his life and that is why he will encourage it.

Wow that quickly turned into a ramble...

Thank you for your writings, these are music to my ears (eyes)

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Mar 27, 2020

Mine too Bunnie. I have something that I'm having difficulty with right now and this was the message I needed to hear. Thank you Skyrich for the lovely reminder.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 10, 2020

@Bunnie


Yes, absolutely yes!

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Girls, thank you for the feedback and the kind words. It's very much appreciated.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 11, 2020

@ Skyrich,
I love this post, and your others. This should be required reading for all Dom's and subs alike.

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • Apr 11, 2020

this series belong in the magazine section under the heading of required reading. thank you again from all of us.