How did you discovered you were a sub/dom/switch ?

Re: How did you discovered you were a sub/dom/switch ?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 19, 2020

i think this is a great question, thank you for asking.

One of the things i appreciate about this community is there are several members who seem more intent on living and adapting to what is than trying to force what is into the constraints, rules and regulations of a system.

my label next to my avatar displays as "sub male," and i could not figure out if there is a way to change or better qualify that? It's the first thing people see as an identifier, but it feels very absolute to me and not very informing. i further qualify in my profile i am "gay" and "have sub in me." In some respects, how and how much manifests depends on the person i am with. In other ways, i seem to have some seemingly static sub attributes (or attributes that are bound to my sub parts, like being sexually "bottom"), others, i have found, are not even known to me.

One of my most profound discoveries/experiences of the sub in me happened only two years ago when a Dom identified something in me, skillfully collared it and brought it to the surface.

"Discovery" of my sub nature is an ongoing process that happens mostly in relationship. Sometimes it's just pieces to the puzzle, other times it's been a whole large section of the 'picture puzzle' for me. The more i learn, the more i can retrospectively see the sub in me as far back as age 7. The identifying vocabulary "Dom," "sub," didn't come until about 10 years ago and those terms have progressively taken on more meaning, but the D/s relationships, experiences have been there as far back as i can see.

Discovering my sub nature is still a work in progress though, to the point that it's hard for me to use or relate to the label in the way that many seem to? It still befuddles me when a Dom approaches me or i read in Their profile that they are looking for a dishwasher or a boot licker (i don't connect to either of those). More recently, i have been happy to learn of distinctions between "slave" and "sub," though the more i read, the more i see the notion that one eventually leads to the other... and i cannot imagine ever wanting to lick toes (sorry, not to disparage all you toe lickers and lickees).

One of my bigger speed bumps of connection has been being expected to be something i am not. i think i am (gratefully) beginning to learn that this is not a 'true' D/s thing, but something that unreal or uneducated? D/s folk have distorted or misrepresented as D/s. On the other hand, the thing that keeps me in pursuit of D/s connection are the AMAZING experiences that i have had. They give me hope because i know how real and fucking fantastic this can be when it's right.

rosethorn​(sub female) • May 19, 2020

I had an idea for a while and thought the best way to find out was to give it a go. This sounds a good as an idea but in practice in a rural area was a challenge. So it was tough. The first guy i slept with i was hammered and honestly it kinda stayed like that for a while. I had even considered that i might not be interested in sex as nothing seemed to turn me on. As friends discussed romantic evening's i thought how dull but they seemed happy. The stuff i did seem to like was when they mentioned an idiot or two and yes i met my fair share and no its not BDSM hence the alcohol.
Until i was 21 i had never had a boyfriend since I was 14.
Two vanilla friends sort of double dated us without realising we became friends played poker. Started going on dates. To this day the only guy to ever buy me flowers. The odd thing was it was rough enough for me to be happy but didn't make me uncomfortable. Then the 'chat' comes of how many people have been before. It took six months of going out before either of us admitted we liked BDSM and had been curious about it tried to give it a go but always with the wrong person. The next six months were fun.