A letter to female submissives (especially newer) from a fellow newer submissive...

Lexxa​(sub female) • Apr 11, 2020

I also want to add to this for those newer to their journeys and who are specifically seeking a long term D/s relationship. This advice can go either way too, it’s not just sub specific.

When chatting with prospective partners, the conversations should initially be 100% vanilla. We are all people first and foremost and this is the time to actually get to know someone and feel things out. If either side keeps bringing up kink or pressing to turn the conversation towards kink or sex or both, then that’s a pretty good sign they don’t actually have a care in the world about you, no real desire to form a lasting relationship and couldn’t care less about things you like. They just want to satisfy themselves and their own kinky desires. My advice is to move on if that’s the case, they’re not worth your time and effort.

Beware of questionnaires. I find these to be a pretty big red flag personally and I call these “cookie cutter” Doms/subs. Think about it. If someone has taken the time to make one that means they ask those questions often and either don’t have the time or don’t feel like taking the time to ask them in a normal conversation. This could be an indicator of many things, such as, they have multiple relationships happening at once, they have a high turnover rate, they’re hiding things, etc. Again, if they’re not going to take the time to genuinely get to know you through actual stimulating conversation then it’s probably not a good fit.

People like the one described in the original post are generally sweet talkers. They’re literate enough to know what to say to sweet talk their way into getting what they want. It’s all just smoke and mirrors. Don’t fall for it. Don’t give them anything until they’ve proven they’ve earned it. You do not owe them anything.

Take your time!! This isn’t a sprint but rather a long marathon. Here’s my personal recommendation that stems from advice given to me by members of my local scene. At a bare minimum, spend at least three months conversing consistently (aka daily or almost daily) with a prospective partner before entering into any type of relationship. Extend that time as necessary for what feels right for yourself. For myself I prefer to make that 6 months of consistent conversation before agreeing to anything more, but everyone is different. If someone isn’t willing or able to converse with you consistently for that period of time to get to know you then what does that say about any relationship you would’ve had with them? This is a great way to weed out those who are just after a quick fling.

Lastly, once you’ve both taken the time and put in the effort to determine you’re compatible and ready to enter into a relationship together, keep putting in that effort! You both now have to consistently prove that you are still deserving of that time and effort. If either partner starts to fall to the wayside, talk about it and always check in with each other throughout the relationship to make adjustments where needed. Hopefully this is helpful to someone and I wish you all happiness in your journeys!!

Remlud​(sub female){Not Yet} • Apr 11, 2020

@PleasureKitten ....

I read this slightly laughing, wondering if we had the same "Dom"?? : ) (Nashville) It was my very first experience, and it was such a rush, it was a relief to finally have that person that assisted me with my own issues, and yet... Something was off. After 6 weeks, after addressing my concerns multiple times, I made the heart wretching decision to move on and continue looking for a Dom better suited towards me. I was heart sick and had no idea what to expect on exiting, but I trusted my gut. And now... I think I have found the Daddy that I not only wanted and needed, but the one that deserves me and the title

Keep the bar set high my fellow subs. Just because we are subs, never lower the bar to where we are kneeling, but instead, raise it BECAUSE we are kneeling.

Much love everyone

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Apr 11, 2020

PleasureKitten thank you for writing this- it JUST happened to me- complete with the vanishing act( only from me of course) and I’m not a new sub and I felt - still feel- so ridiculous. He was... soooooo convincing. I am usually so careful about leaving myself open in certain ways, and I just let my entire guard down. I was stunned- not as in ‘omg how could someone do this to ME?’ but more as in ‘ I’m a HUMAN BEING -do you get OFF on seeing ppl in pain?’ Bc.. there just isn’t another explanation.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Apr 11, 2020

I honestly think very few of the vanishing acts get off on hurting people. It's more like they don't think about it at all. To them, people are sex toys, to be used until satisfaction and then put away. Do you stop to consider how a dildo or a fleshlight feels? They have the same mentality to their partners.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 11, 2020

@ Lexxa:


This. Just This. I couldn't have said it better my self.

A real relationship begins and lives in the mind -- not the genitals.

@Virginie
Sadly, there is another explanation, and it's worse.
He. Just. Doesn't. Care. That. He. Hurt. You.

This sort of narcissist, sociopathic toad only cares about himself. I mean if he got off on hurting you, that would at least be some form of recognizing that you are human being. A trait he utterly lacks, btw.

I'm so sorry for you. You, (specifically, and collectively) deserve better treatment from my gender.

Girls, just because someone has a Y chromosome, doesn't mean he's a man. He may be a male, but that's just a matter of biology. A man doesn't treat people like this.

Fate • Apr 11, 2020

Hugs Pleasure. I encourage you to keep blogging. Youu are a strong soul and a stellar encourager and your wisdom is a tremendous asset to this community.

ffion fancy​(sub female){Taken} • Apr 11, 2020

Oh babe, I feel your pain, I had the same thing happen to me, funnily enough with a Dom from your neck of the woods, thankfully it only took me two weeks to see through him but damn it stung. Xxx

naughtiangel​(sub female){Taken} • Apr 11, 2020

Written straight from the heart. You are an amazingly strong woman. Many of the wannabes do not want or know how to handle us. They believe because we may be new here, they can take advantage of that. But as you have said we come out stronger, and better prepared for the future. The wannabes will never truly find happiness, although they may have their ego grow with each passing sub, they toss to the side. But in the end I believe carma will reach out to them, and they will be the one left sitting alone. Their reputation will follow , and thanks to you the story is out there. Take care my friend.

Dahlia sub female​(sub female) • Apr 12, 2020

I really wish I had read this 5 months ago. Everything you said, spot on. I think for new subs we are especially vulnerable.. we believe we must submit everything to a Dom... Even our common sense. We give so much and so freely it is like a blow to find out everything was a lie. Instead of building up and learning what we needed we are left broken and shattered. I'd love to talk more and be a sounding board for any new subs out there like me.

Curious Raven​(other female) • Apr 12, 2020

@Pleasure Kitten. I’m very sorry you had this experience. You were eager to explore...and someone saw an opportunity to take advantage. Your post sounded oddly familiar. And then I realized I’d dodged a bullet. I heard from him immediately after I created my profile. He was smart, charming, seemingly interested in me as a person and shared some common ground both professionally and culturally. We communicated regularly for a few weeks but it quickly became apparent that he was communicating at random times that were convenient for him and not necessarily when we had agreed to be in touch. (Or, as I wrote him, “ Are you sure you have time in your life? Seems like you are very busy in the evenings.” Ha ha!) I am really leery of anything that is only online and his inconsistency did not convince me otherwise. I moved on. But the point is, here is someone who basically pounces on women who are new on this site...and is not forthcoming about his actual situation or intentions. A gentleman predator? Good for you for posting about your experience. I’d like to think, especially now, that we could treat each other with extra compassion and respect. Stay safe!