Dungeon/Play Party Ettiquette

Dungeon/Play Party Ettiquette

JD Dom​(dom male) • Apr 22, 2020

This question has some similar qualities to a previous question I asked but is more specific. My previous question involved a 1 on 1 meeting and how to tell someone you're not interested/attracted in them. I got many replies and … Thanks!

This time I'm curious about Events or parties where play is more open. If I bring a sub to one of these and we get invited to play with couple "A" but are not attracted to them for whatever reason, is there an etiquette or "right" way to decline? I wouldn't want to decline play with couple A only to accept play with couple B a short while later?

If you want to be critical of my shallowness, at least be kind regarding my sincere desire to never hurt someone's feelings. Is refusal common enough not to be an issue? I've been involved with BDSM for over 30 years and have never felt compelled to go to munches, events or parties in past, but think I'm opening up to the idea. If you're experienced in this, please edumacate me.

Master JD

VORTEX​(sub female) • Apr 22, 2020

First off, "no" is a complete sentence. You are more than welcome to choose who you engage with, and in my experience, folks generally don't get incredibly upset when things don't click.

If you're going there with a partner - and you're comfortable with doing so - you could set up a small scene together (doesn't have to be something incredibly elaborate, lengthy or intense). It's unfortunately pretty unlikely you'll have bottoms interested in playing with you, if they're unfamiliar with you and your style of play.. plus, it's an easy conversation starter. That said, if you feel more comfortable taking the first few visits to just observe and get to know people, that's totally okay too; there's no pressure to play.

Before doing all that though, it's usually not a bad idea to go to a few munches and meet the local community. This should give you a better idea of who's out there, feel out the vibes and have some familiar faces when you do visit that first party. If you're in or around a larger city, chances are that (once all this clears up) your local dungeon may be organizing classes and workshops again as well, which is also an excellent way to meet new people and make some friends.

Hope that helps!

JD Dom​(dom male) • Apr 22, 2020

Totally helps. (In theory.) I have a hard time with that little sentence. (No.) Bad habit for a Dom. lol Thanks for the time and info. It all sounds reasonable.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 22, 2020

I just tell ppl upfront that I'm shallow. If with my slave I'd tell them I can play with them, but my slave can only watch

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Apr 23, 2020

"No, Thank you" as politely and genuinely as possible usually does enough to deter hurting anyones feelings, as much as is possible anyways. Though I do believe Vortex is right, that it's unlikely someone will ask you to scene the first while. Most communities are super welcoming but I did have more fun starting with classes and munches then expanding to parties. It made it easier to talk to some people in a more structured context and then not feel like I was showing up to a dark dungeon not knowing anybody.

I see your profile says San Antonio, I believe there are some cool dungeons down there, and Austin has an incredible community, especially for rope. You're in a great spot to go out and get into the local scene!

-JB

Hisproclivity​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2020

The dungeons I have attended have alllll be extremely respectful. A rigger asked my Dom to tie me up and there was nothing sexual that took place. I love going and even just watching. My Dom has also set me on display while he flogged showing proper technique. Its not like a giant orgy and you may surprised...its almost like a tiny learning experience each time! Have fun!

JD Dom​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2020

You guys have given some very good answers and advice. I'm reassured. Yes, San Antonio has a very active community and I've been tempted to participate ever since I got here. Of course everything is shut down at the moment, but when social distancing is lifted, I think I'd like to try some munches and especially some classes. The only reason I haven't gone yet is because I've wanted to go with someone.
I know - circular flawed logic there. lol

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Apr 23, 2020

@MasterJD

I went to my first class by myself and it was a bit nerve racking, the community though for the most part is super welcoming and they made me feel at home very quickly. Except Austin, ugh Austin. . . but the rest of the communities were awesome!

-JB

VORTEX​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2020

I've been active in my local communities for at least 10 years at this point, but regardless, whenever I move someplace new and go to that first munch/class/slosh/whatever, it's pretty scary and I'm a ball of nerves. The good news is, pretty much everyone feels that way the first (few) times. I like to try to get there a bit earlier, find whoever organized the get-together, and introduce myself to them first. Sometimes they may even be able to seat you next to some friendly kinky folk, people who have similar interests, or just help get a conversation going.

As far as bringing someone along, that's totally up to you, there's something to be said for either option. Not having someone there may push you outside of your comfort zone a little, and make new friends. If that's not helpful for you, you can try finding out who is organizing the munch beforehand (fet), and shooting them a PM to explain you're new and nervous, and you'd often be surprised how willing they may be to help. In the same line, you could try and message other folks who RSVP'd to see if you could tag along with them ("Hey! I noticed you RSVP'd for *event*, I'm brand new to the area and a little nervous about going by myself for the first time. Would you mind meeting up at the *location*, so I can tag along with you?" can be super helpful).

Lexxa​(sub female) • Apr 23, 2020

Definitely don't be afraid to "take the plunge" alone! I'm an introvert and I put off delving into my local scene for over a year because I was waiting to find someone to go with, but friends would always change their minds last minute. I finally came to my senses and realized all I'm doing is wasting time browsing all these cool munches and events I want to attend and doing myself a disservice by not enriching myself with the experience. Was I nervous the first few times? Oh heck yes I was haha. But as others have stated, everyone has been incredibly welcoming and supportive. Anyone who isn't supportive, I've witnessed those types of people being quickly and efficiently escorted out of said space and barred from ever returning. The community is close-knit and we look after our own.

As Vortex mentioned, if you're really really nervous, definitely reach out to the event coordinator. Everyone was new once too. Everyone had a first munch, a first class, a first play party, etc. They've all been there before and they're all more than willing to help you! At my first munch they made an effort to seat the newbies next to one of the coordinators. This definitely helped! So, my advice is that once you have the chance again, just go! I personally can't wait for things to open back up safely once the COVID stuff is under control. I miss my people and my favorite spaces haha.

As far as your etiquette question goes, everyone else has pretty much covered that one. A "No, thanks" is perfectly fine. Consent is primary, so no one there should be surprised by a no response to anything. People are respectful in these spaces and it's a zero-pressure zone. Anyone not being respectful or pressuring others gets removed from the space. Hope that helps!