everyone has a joke in them let's hear your fav

Dellydoodah​(neither female) • May 23, 2020

''Panda Bear, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.''

laughs that is too funny!

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 23, 2020

Best selling book in the world last year was "Shades of Gray."

What's the world coming to?

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 23, 2020

Now, THAT'S a joke!

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 23, 2020

The punchline was the joke.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 23, 2020

i was told i'm bi polar,
i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 23, 2020

A penguin is driving on a long stretch of highway; he hears his engine make an awful noise, and smoke starts coming out of his exhaust.

He stops at a small mechanic stop. The mechanic says, well, this is going to take while to figure out. The penguin says: "No problem, I'll be across the street at that grocery store in the frozen food section!"

After several hours, the mechanic comes to the store, finds the penguin and says: "Well, it looks like you blew a seal!", and the penguin says: NO! It's just ice cream, honest!"

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 23, 2020

The Adventures of Heath and Keith

Heath and Keith are the two fastest racing horses on the planet. However, Heath is just a bit faster than Keith. This means that poor Keith has never won a race.

One day, Keith asked Heath if he could just once hold back a bit, so that he, (Keith), could say we won. Heath thinks about it for a moment, and agrees. The day of the race came up, the trumpets blew, the bells rang, the gates opened, and the horses all shot out. The crowd went nuts as for the first time EVER Keith overtook Heath, and was pulling ahead. It looked like sure win for Keith, when suddenly, Heath sped up, shot past Keith, and won the race!

Well, Keith was upset, to say the least, and confronted Heath, who then claimed: "Oh, hell, I'm sorry, I just got caught up in the moment, and forgot!. I promise you next time, I'll let you win!" The day of that race came up, the trumpets blew, the bells rang, the gates opened, and once again, it looked like Keith was going to win. Alas, at the last moment, Heath put on a tremendous burst of speed, passed up Keith and won the race, again!

Well, Keith was beside himself, and once again confronted Heath, who claimed: "Look, I'm sorry, but I realized that this was a qualifying match! It just wouldn't be fair to my jockey, trainer or owner not to do my best. I'm sorry, I had to do it. Look, the next race is just a regional, I'll let you win that one!"

But, to Keith's dismay, the same damned thing happened once again. At this point, he wouldn't even look at his friend Heath, but stomped off the field. Months went by, Keith refused to even speak with Heath. But, Heath persisted, asking: "Keith, dude, what's wrong?" "What's wrong?", asked Keith, "I'll tell you what's wrong. You're an ass that's what's wrong!. Three times you promised me you'd let me win. Three times you blew me off."

"Is that what's bugging you? Look, ok.. Tell you what, we'll race to that tree over there, and I'll let you win!"

"Really? You're not going to just set me up and take it away again?"

"Buddy, I promise -- I'll even let you have a head start. Go!"

And so the race was on. But wouldn't you know, at the last moment, victory was snatched out of Keith's reach, as once again, Heath sped up at the last moment and won the race.

That's when the fighting really started. The once good friends called each other vile names. Heath accused Keith of lacking a sense of humor, and being whiny. Keith accused Heath of being a pompous, selfish ass.

Just then, a Saint Bernard came up and said: "HEY, stop it you two! I've been watching this from the beginning. Heath, what kind of a friend does what you did to Keith? And Keith, c'mon man, you knew what Heath was all about all this time. Let bygones be bygones. Stop this!"

Well, Heath looked at Keith. Keith looked at Heath. They both looked at the dog, and Keith said: "Oh My GOD! A talking dog!"

Sir Don​(dom male) • May 23, 2020

What is yhe difference between a rooster and a prostitute ??????




A rooster says cock a doodle do

A prostitute say. Any cock will do

Dellydoodah​(neither female) • May 24, 2020

A man takes a giraffe into a bar and gets it a drink..then another and kept getting the giraffe a drink. ..The giraffe , very drunk falls over and bangs its head smack on the floor It's out cold ...making a mess everywhere !
The man looks at the giraffe and gets up to walk out.
The barman sees him and shouts
'You cant leave that lying there!!'..
The man turns round looks at the barman and says 'Its not a lion ..its a bleedin' giraffe!'

Road Toad • May 24, 2020

Amus heads into the bar and sits down and orders a double from Bob the bartender, muttering "Bob, some things you just can't explain"
"Howdy Amus, hows the wife doing?" asks Bob.
" Martha is a little shook up but she is doing fine" Amus replies
"You know Amus, its only 10:00 Am, it's a bit early for you to be here, having a farm to run and all, don't you think?" Bob asks
Amus just shakes his head saying "Bob Some things you just can't explain."
"Well what happened?" Bob asks.
Amus starts in, he had just finished taking care of the chickens and then started milking their cow, Bessie.
After a few minutes she started to get restless and moving around, she almost knocked over the bucket with one of her hind legs, so I looked around and found a strap and used it to tie her leg to the side of the stall, and I continued milking. Then she tried to kick the bucket with her other leg so I found another strap and tied her other leg to the other side of the stalll.
Maybe I need to get some lotion for my hands but I was 30 minutes behind on my chores and I had to pick up the pace. So I started milking again, at this point she is struggling against the straps, her tail is going every which way, and hitting me in the face. I had just had enough. I looked around for another strap but I couldn't find one, I looked up at the rafters above and had this idea, I could use my belt. so put the stool behind her and stepped up, when I took my belt, my pants start to slip a bit so I bowed out my knees to keep them from falling down, as I tossed the buckle end of the belt up over the rafter. Well I toss it a bit hard and the buckle came back and hit me in the face, I started to lose my balance when the stool shoots out from under me and there I am, hanging off Bessie's ass with a death grip on her hips trying not to fall, with my pants at my ankles. Then I hear this gasp, I look over my shoulder and there stands Martha.
I tell you, Bob. SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN"T EXPLAIN