Top Drop

Top Drop

SirDanNc • Jul 24, 2020

I am very new to the feelings and exploration in the bdsm community and lifestyle in general. As I have not yet been through a scene and am learning myself with the guidance of a woman I truly trust, I am no way clouded and am taking this all very seriously.
I am wondering if anyone has dealt with or felt almost a top drop when first starting out scene and fantasy’s. Not actual scenes. I have known the woman for a very long time and have become very close emotionally and truly care for her. It’s not that I have changed my mind or anything of that nature and feel like the high is something I truly want to chase. My issue was more with the thought of thinking these acts with someone I truly care about so much. She is into everything and we had a very good conversation about it. One where I felt I was in complete control as I told her in detail of the scene and the expectations I have of her. I am just I guess wondering if that feeling of shame is normal and if so ideas on how to combat them knowing how extreme a scene will be. Asking Doms. Also looking for advice from anyone with knowledge to pass on with someone new being with someone that has had this type and 24/7 relationship.

acquiesced​(sub male) • Jul 24, 2020

Not sure if you are talking about an actual scene or just talking about a scene, but here's my 2 cents from more than 30 years as a Dom.

Cent 1: make sure your 'scenes' are something that has personal meaning to you and don't just follow what others are doing or what you see, read, etc. 'Going through the motions' of some act can leave you feeling lost and unsettled. All that this world has to offer is not a menu to pick and choose from.

Cent 2: Men have very different brain chemicals than women, and some of the more nastier ones after a good fucking, especially if you were on a brain chemical 'high' during the scene, can make you feel like running away. In the 'nilla world, it's sometimes referred to as the 'hit it and quit it' drug. These are raw, primal chemicals based on millions of years of evolution and you can't really do anything about it, except learn what it is. At the end of a scene, stay with your girl, hold her close, woo her and your brain will get back to feeling good.

Kalel​(dom male){SelinaKyle} • Jul 24, 2020

Your concerns are completely understandable and it's great they you've talked to your partner. I repeat it to more I talk to of how communication is essential; the other part is trust. You've said you truly trust your partner, which is perfect, but you also have to trust yourself. Confidence comes with time, and sometimes taking it slow is the best way for new people to start out. You don't have to go to the extreme right away. You don't have to introduce everything at once. As a matter of fact, not doing so means it keeps the variety alive from session to session pushing to the end goal each time. Maybe keep it light at first with a few ideas, and introduce something new the next time. Baby-steps are okay.

Small personal tip from me, I would do this before going into a scene: I would blindfold her first because I didn't like being watched even though she know what I was doing. With my leather belt, I would flog myself shirtless on my back. It really helped me 1) Get into the mood, and 2) Let myself experience pain before putting her through anything. Even though I was a Dom and she was my Sub, it almost made me feel like we were on the same level when I did that, and any shame would go away. You don't have to do this. Just a little personal thing I liked to do, and I would never let her or anyone do that to me. It was my self-punishment thing, I guess.

Setting limits, safe-words, and boundaries are great, but always know you can evolve and be flexible as you discover new things with your partner. That being said, be aware of what your kinks are; be aware of what your boundaries and limits are. Being aware of what you want will really help with your confidence. When you are sure of what you want and what you're looking for, it makes it so much easier.

Another thing to remember is honesty. You have to be honest with your partner, and just as importantly, honest with yourself. If you are not into something, that is perfectly okay and acceptable. If you are, but don't think you're fully there yet, that's fine too. It takes time and practice to gain that confidence. Not everyone is at the same level of kink, and not everyone is on about it 24/7. Sometimes, the mood just isn't there. Everyone has bad/down days.

Now in reference to Top/Dom Drop; it is a thing. While not as common, it is something to deal with sometimes. At the same time, there is no shame in it. Sometimes Doms need aftercare too, and this is where your partner can come into help you reassure what you're doing is okay. Figuring out what would make you feel better helps. It could be having a drink after, watch a movie/show together, just talking about what's on your mind, debriefing on what went well or what could be better, or even just being held. There is nothing shameful about needing help after a scene. Of course, this is something you would need to discuss with your partner about so she knows what to do. Hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you have any other questions.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Jul 31, 2020

This isn't a matter of male versus female, lol.

Top drop is real. You may need aftercare of some sort, yourself. You are also going into an altered headspace in a scene, and you are going to "come down" from that. For some people, that's just going back to normal. For others, seratonin or dopamine levels may drop. Don't be hard on yourself. You aren't any less of a dom because of it- plenty of doms get top drop, really. Be kind to yourself, and see if anything helps you process through it.