Being A Sub and what it means

Being A Sub and what it means

Jessica Rabbit • Aug 18, 2020

Years ago I got out of a terrible relationship, physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. I started dating this wonderful man that introduced me to a whole other world of sex. He was amazing. I saw movies and read books about BDSM. I am not a woman to be controlled. With him it was not about control but about pleasure. He has been the only person I trust enough to tie me up and do what he wanted to me. But that is not his control but mine. After we split, I tried to date guys that were "Doms". They were complete amateurs and had no clue what they were doing!!!! He has been the only one I would ever consider doing that again. Being a Dom is not about control but pleasure for both. Many do not understand that. Its about trust!!! He is on this site with a few others. He took videos I did not know he took. I am not upset but I did realize, that its about trust. I also know that with the right person anything is possible. Being a sub or a Dom is not all about control. Its about trust!!! I know that I felt safe enough he would not cross a line, but knowing that I wanted to do anything to please him.

ursa​(sub female) • Aug 18, 2020

I came to the forums just now because I was thinking about asking a general question to The Cage:

Subs, what does submission mean to you? Doms, what does domination mean to you?

But I saw your post and thought "Hey, that's close enough."

You lovely folk are my first interaction with any kind of larger D/s community, so although I have had my own small variety of D/s experiences, I might lack some lingo that is probably very basic for any veterans out there. But here's my two cents on submission and what it means to be a sub:

As a sub, submission is something choose you to give. In that way, just like you said, you are very much in control. But in my experience, a D/s relationship at it's core is about the exchange of control, and that might look a little different for everyone. It might be purely sexual - you might have a completely "vanilla" relationship (or no relationship at all) outside of the bedroom, but I have found that people who are drawn to submission and domination will seek the exchange of control in other aspects of lives. I think the core idea that I stick to about being a sub is that through relinquishing that control to your partner, you both find pleasure. It's an innate desire to please your partner and listen to them. If you are not both finding pleasure in a trusting relationship, then I don't you are really nailing the whole "D/s relationship" thing.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me like there can be a bit of a disconnect between the way normal dating site users might understand the word "dom" and the way that people who have been living BDSM for a greater portion of their lives might use the same word. Average Joe might think that since they can be a little bossy in bed, they are a "dom," just like people who have seen 50 shades and want to try being handcuffed once might think they are a "sub." Not to nullify the desire to try those experiences, but to me, submission is more than that. It is a devoted dedication to your partner. There is a lot of responsibility involved, and everyone knows it is about trust - if a dom doesn't acknowledge some level of responsibility and does not act in a trustworthy manner (like not giving you an indication that you are being recorded) then I personally would not think of them as a "dom."

ColoRuleSoft​(other male) • Aug 18, 2020

Trust.

You know when people do trust exercises to "build trust." What I want is the exact same, for a woman to trust that when I bind her or promise her a bit of pain, that I won't abuse that trust she put in me. I want her to be a little shaken, but completely taken that she was able to give someone that level of control over her body and not have it be abused.

Also, I just get aroused even thinking about doing those things, so that's a plus too.

Edit: For a submissive, I think they have to be the one who is totally taken when someone does that for them. When you finally work up the courage to meet or date or whatever someone who then takes you through a journey of your body and mind. A journey where you free yourself of responsibilities, name, and status temporarily and put it all on the other one to make sure you get through that, probably very frightening starting off, experience. See, that's probably what we dominants are missing, the ability to really have a real thrill from letting go of all responsibilities. Maybe it's just me, but I can't just make myself think that getting myself tied up would be at all fun. I revile being put in a position where I have to trust someone else to do something for me. I want to make sure it gets done the right way always.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Aug 18, 2020

I think the foundation is definitely about trust; it is about me trusting him to take control and trusting that what he says to me and the decisions he makes are what are best for me and him. It is about trusting that if he ties me down that he will care for me and never hurt me (like hurt hurt not the fun hurt 😂).

But sadly there are a lot of people who think that because they can slap an ass and call someone names they’re a Dom without realising the emotional responsibility that comes with it. But on the flip side subs have a responsibility as well and they forget that...

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2020

Great thread! I am new to BDSM and *think* I identify as a sub but I am still figuring this out.

One thing I was wondering: how central do y'all think it is for a sub to want to please their Dom? A lot of people seem to think that is a central aspect, if not THE central aspect, of what it means to be a sub, finding fulfillment in serving and pleasing their Dom. See, that does not resonate with me. Not that I don't want to cause my partner pleasure and make them happy! Of course I do, I'm not some selfish asshole. But I don't have the kind of devotion to pleasing a partner that a lot of subs seem to have. For me, what's so appealing about the sub role is more the relinquishing of control, the being dominated. What I want to think in the bedroom is "Wow, this guy is just taking me, he's so in charge, he just does to me what he wants, but all while really caring about me, he's taking my breath away", not necessarily "I will do whatever I can to make him feel the highest forms of pleasure". Like, I want him to make me please him, but what gets me off about that is more that he is making me do it rather than my desire to please him.

Does that mean I'm not really a sub? But then what am I?

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2020

@Desert Lizard

I think you're just fine! There are different dynamics and so the "slave" or "pet" mindset does not apply to all. It sounds like the servant mindset is not a primary turn on or even a turn on at all for you.

You can still be a sub without that particular desire as your main motivation however, remember and think about this in the context of a truly satisfying, mutual, trusting relationship.

Your desires are not the only ones which matter, and so you will have to meet your match. Express your preferences and limits honestly but, if you wish to pursue this with a Dom, relinquishing control is not like picking certain fruits off a platter and leaving those you don't want behind. He will be in control, without harming you, and you will not be dictating the experience.

Consider also, if you share this level of intimacy with someone and you connect in a powerful way, you may find that you DO like serving, pleasing. This happens naturally when we care for someone not out of selfish desires but with real love. The mental and emotional control with a D/s dynamic is powerful, it isn't just physical.

Last, if you try it and don't like it, you may find that you just like being tied but not actually Dominated. That would mean you aren't a sub, and that's fine too!

We change and grow over time. You can only learn and answer for yourself. Best of luck!

DrKrall • Aug 19, 2020

I think being a sub and what it means can be very different things to different persons. There is no one true way.
But i can be nice to hear what it is to others and maybe learn from them.

KinkySilverfox​(dom male) • Aug 20, 2020

For me part of the issue is that society loves to label people.even in this community we like labels and we have to pigeonhole ourselves to let others know how best we want to be perceived. We are all different and all have different needs and desires, no two submissives or dominants are the same. The labels are a starting point, from then on its all about communication, trust and respect... probably in that order but again down to the individuals. Oh and let's not forget honesty. Then when you are lucky enough to find someone on completely the same kink wavelength , the same cerebral sexual desires and physical sexual needs, everything falls perfectly in to place. Our issues are the same as any other coupling issues.....We don't honestly talk about our needs, desires and limits to enough people to find that perfect kink match.

ASensualDom • Sep 9, 2020

I wrote this is my profile because I sincerely meant for it to be read by my future sub wife and LIFETIME PARTNER:

It's growth oriented. It's natural, not porn-induced. It's based on and rooted in love, wellbeing and sensuality. It's consensual, no force or abuse. It's mental, emotional and even spiritual "i.e full of trust and pure intentions and soul to soul contributions" BEFORE it's physical.
It's building mutual trust, safety, freedom of unapologetical shameless expression of one's deepest desires. It's about safe play.
It's learning together and exploring.
It's adventurous and exciting.

It's nurturing, caring and mentoring and gently guiding the sub. And being submitted, trusted and obeyed by the Dom.
It's absolute genuineness, you can't fake either sub or Dom...

It's liberation, validation, and building mutual self confidence.

It's for the passionates, intense, courageous and confident.
She's to be shown and told, with integrity, that's she's the sexiest yet the most accepted, loved, safe and honored.

She's so powerful that she's submitting to Whom She KNOWS is beyond Powerful.

No subs or Doms are alike.
If there's THE SLIGHTEST feeling of unfairness or not feeling ABUNDANTLY EXCHANGING by being The Dom or the sub. It must be addressed and healed.

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2020

I think it means treating your dom or domme like a king or queen if you respect them and trust them . If you show them your devotion to them and they reciprocate treating you with respect and take your concerns into account and addressing those concerns then i think you have a winning combination . Communication is the key as long as you give them what they want and need and you get satisfaction out of serving them.