Why are you a sub?

Why are you a sub?

subisbeaut • Aug 20, 2020

Has anyone else ever wondered what it is, why they are submissive?
Such a question always looms over me - but there never seems to be a one answer fits all, and I would love to hear from other subs, who think they know truly, deeply what it is that made them identify/feel/become submissive?

I have always been submissive, I just have ‍♀️ But I don’t know why.

Sorry for the odd question sorry if I offend anyone

NCarraway​(dom male) • Aug 20, 2020

I am not sure there is a simple answer to this one. Some people will point to a family background or the way they were raised, some people might point to a particular incident that happened earlier in their life, some have just always felt that way. In my case, why do I feel most comfortable in a Dom role ... it relates to previous relationships that I have been in.

I spent some time thinking about this earlier in my kink life but ended up chasing my tail round and around and around. I found it was a lot of effort spent thinking that did not get me to any aha moment. I eventually decided that it really does not matter to me why I turned out this way. What really matters is that I turned out this way, I recognise who I am and I am ready to grow

Its not an odd question, people are not so easily offended here.

Carraway

NCarraway​(dom male) • Aug 20, 2020

I am not sure there is a simple answer to this one. Some people will point to a family background or the way they were raised, some people might point to a particular incident that happened earlier in their life, some have just always felt that way. In my case, why do I feel most comfortable in a Dom role ... it relates to previous relationships that I have been in.

I spent some time thinking about this earlier in my kink life but ended up chasing my tail round and around and around. I found it was a lot of effort spent thinking that did not get me to any aha moment. I eventually decided that it really does not matter to me why I turned out this way. What really matters is that I turned out this way, I recognise who I am and I am ready to grow

Its not an odd question, people are not so easily offended here.

Carraway

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 20, 2020

i agree with a lot of what Carraway says on this one, i too do not think there is "a simple answer to this one." And like Him, i do not have to understand why to know that i am (sub, in my case).

Authoritative answers abound, especially it seems, on a BDSM site lol. This site is replete with posts giving authoritative answers and links to their blogs . Personally, i am more apt to put weight on posts with qualifiers like: "in my opinion" or "I think" or "I believe," where the person has enough understanding to realize that their take on a topic does not equate to a universal truth. Which is not to suggest that one cannot make an impassioned argument for their view. Even scientists typically conclude "more studies are needed," and most (all?) of this isn't evidence based, but annecdotal.

Still, like yourself, i wonder why and how. i think it's a combination of nature and nurture. i think we are born with some degree of disposition, and that grows and develops, or not, depending on nurture? i believe it derives from, or originates from nature, but develops more from nurture. Which is total speculation on my part.

When i look back, i can see my gay and sub parts as early as 6 or 7 years old. That's retrospective understanding. i had little to no understanding at that age, but i did make conscious choices to alter how i presented in order to survive. i can see all sorts of submissive demeanor when i look back, i attracted a lot of bullies because of it and over time learned how to hide and bury myself in order to not get beat up. As an adult, i practiced martial arts for 25 years, and can identify all sorts of compensatory reasons for that. Which is just one of many examples i can think of in my own life that are pieces to the puzzle of self awareness.

i think there are a few ways we come to places of self awareness. Introspection (self reflection) and relationship (seeing our reflection in/from another). i think both are important and that neither is perfect.

So, it seems to me, the nature/nurture dynamic is not only intrinsic to the beginnings of being sub (or dom?), but part of the ongoing living out of it. I.e., state of being is not static, but fluid?

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 20, 2020

I think there a few reasons but I also think that the answer is something unique to each individual. My reasons may be typical but it has changed over the years I have studied the lifestyle I too used to think it was just for my selfish sexual needs. I now realize it goes deeper. I feel I really need to attend to the needs and wants of the superior female. I think and I am not speaking for anyone else but because so much misinformation has been given out over the years. From talk shows and reality shows that only talked about the whips and chains part of the lifestyle to get better ratings. It feeds into the sexual fantasies of men but an flr can include the bdsm but it does not have to be part of the equation . I would love to find someone who will have an flr in mind with bdsm.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 20, 2020

i googled, but cannot find what "an fir" is?

FLR

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 20, 2020

Female led relationship

Noodz​(sub female) • Aug 20, 2020

nope, never wondered at all, I treat it the same as my sexuality, it just is what it is

Bunnie • Aug 20, 2020

@ subisbeaut,

“Why are you a sub?”

Great question
One that has taken me a long time to understand and find an answer to...

I am a submissive because my nature (who I essentially am), combined with my nurture (environment and conditions in which I was raised), created it to be just so.

That is why my submission is fluid. As I shift and grow, and my environment and conditions change, so too does my submission.

RayBug • Aug 20, 2020

I suppose it's a simple answer for me, but basically I've always been submissive in and outside of the bedroom. I didn't realize it until I was about 23, and after that, it took a few years to really work out what I was into and what I needed. I've recently gotten involved with my first in-person dom, and I'm so mad at myself for not having done it sooner! I love being able to be my subby self.