Confused, Mono, message?

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 30, 2020

Hey, just looked. Yeah so, there you go...

You just removed the status altogether and because you take time to explain your situation...it makes perfect sense not to even list one particular status.

That way when you find your third you can update it to poly. Boom. Golden.

I want to add and highlight, you are sort of especially expressive on your profile and many aren't so this post originally was geared more towards those who say nothing about looking for a third or, whatever the case. In fact I have seen it to where they explicitly say they are married and looking for online dynamic etc. So...

Someone else mentioned here the lack of nuance in status and I didn't realize that was the case. I think adding "unfaithful to spouse" or "looking to cheat" would be pretty accurate for some but probably not happen. So maybe just "in a relationship/other" or something.

Thanks to all for feedback.

strictlygentle​(dom male){Queen Alex} • Aug 30, 2020

Thanks. I'll stick with that for now and see what the admins do.

strictlygentle​(dom male){Queen Alex} • Aug 30, 2020

I think having a relationship type that you're seeking as well as any that you are in is a possible improvement. I am single seeking monogamous. I am single seeking poly. We are in a monogamous relationship (or "closed duad" would probably be even better) seeking a closed triad. Something along those lines. It could easily get too complicated for simple status flags, but I think what we're seeing here is that right now it's not quite complicated enough to get us the matches we are looking for, at least for some of us.

Which is probably why something like the fetlife model works best. I really like how they allow you to map relationships and add multiple seeking options and the like. It's not perfect, but it gets a lot further without being too overly complicated.

strictlygentle​(dom male){Queen Alex} • Aug 30, 2020

@ MasterRon​(dom male)

For some reason, it won't let me quote your post, and I'm too lazy to figure out how to do it manually.

But you could message the staff too and ask for the same thing. Also ask them to give you a way to vote on feature requests, pointing out that they might get a lot of messages about the same topic of they don't.

https://thecage.co/profile/2

Insomniac​(dom male) • Aug 30, 2020

I think some (if not all) of the people who do this might be able to have multiple partners, like poly, but only want their partners to be with them, where as they can be with unlimited number of partners. They know that most people wont go for that, so they just lie and say they are monogamous. Just to be clear, I am not saying these people are poly nor am I saying that poly people are like this.

strictlygentle​(dom male){Queen Alex} • Aug 30, 2020

Could be. I just don't want to be confused with them! I think more nuance is strongly needed.

emeX​(sub male) • Aug 30, 2020

Your assumption that a Domme who's "looking for sub(s)" = A Domme who's looking for a relationship with subs or is "cheating"...is incorrect.

For example...Am i in a relationship with you if i have you come over and clean my house?

if you consider the fact that there are s-types out there who consider themselves 'services slaves' or 'service subs', then the example above makes complete sense. They'll provide a service, no reciprocation, no strings attached which = no relationship rendered.

Thank You.

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2020

Again, as I said before, not a post to get into the opinions about what is and isn't acceptable, but if you're implying that sex as a service is not the same as cheating...then no.

If the person in a mono relationship is seeking love, or sex, outside of their partnership without the other persons knowledge or consent, that is called infidelity. Cheating.

Whether people view sex as a service or not is irrelevant, as is whether they are comfortable cheating.

If you say, hey hun I hired a sub for sex...and they are ok with that...great.

If you don't say it, then it's cheating.

Which is all really a strange analogy anyway because this is not a transactional for hire website so...I get that professional Dommes do this service but that is really not at all what this site is for.

In either case, it's still cheating unless the other person knows. So you aren't monogomous. Maybe they are, but you aren't.

It's your right to do what you do, but you don't get to change the meaning of words.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Aug 31, 2020

Hmm I think you miss understood what pigforGoddess​(sub male){Uncollared} is saying he isn't talking about pay to play or professional Dominatrix, he is talking of Dommes that except service ONLY. It is often popular with Femdom.
Not all parts of BDSM are sexual reward orientated. "Service" is non sexual in nature, it is NOT based in sexual activity, sexual release or sexual gratification. Service, is being of service, not of sexual service.

In human sexuality, service-oriented is a term used in the BDSM community to refer to a relationship dynamic where the focus is on how the submissive can contribute resources to the dominant partner, and provide for some of their needs or advance their goals. Often, this will include domestic service, such as household chores, but can also include such things as chauffeuring or valet services. These relationships often do not include romantic feelings (but can for some) or sexual activity, depending on the specific relationship dynamic chosen.

Editted to add. I'm sure pigForGoddess will correct me if I got it wrong

shesosweet​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2020

Gotcha! Well...that is definitely something I don't know about at all...and really interesting.

If it is a femdom thing that makes sense because I am a female sub and this topic was about why Doms use the mono label while looking for subs.

I haven't ever heard of a Dom looking for a sub that is not sexual and/or relational. But that's a whole seperate thing for male subs with Dommes I suppose.

I made no assertion or assumption about Dommes as I know nothing about it, maybe he assumed I did but I'm not sure why as I never mentioned it.

I didn't think this question was specific enough to need categorizing under male dom female sub which is why I chose general question. Maybe it is specific!