How long does it take you to fully trust a partner?

GenX​(sub female) • Nov 7, 2020

I learned the hard way being a sub can be real shitty because some Doms play you and play on your insecurities. Trust is overrated. Build walls thick as steel. Blockade your heart in even thicker ice. Care for no one and make it very clear we are here to just have fun! But TRUST NO ONE!

Defender​(dom male) • Nov 7, 2020

"But TRUST NO ONE!"

Which means you are telling me not to trust you.


That isn't a message I want to send to others.

GenX​(sub female) • Nov 7, 2020

Yep! I do believe I am. Maybe you don't want to give that message but I'm not here to give flying flip about anyone trusting me anymore.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 7, 2020

Coughbullshitcough

Please. You tell yourself this crap because you're afraid of being hurt and don't know how to create trust with others. Granted, much of that inability is on them. But just look at yourself. "Fun fun fun". Yea, we all want fun. But wake up and face reality. The path to fun comes through being there for each other. Doing things with each other. SUPPORTING each other. That comes from TRUST. Though in order to do that you must DO more together. Fun things. It's a kind of mix of the two.

You can CREATE FUN together easily if you talk about the things that matter. Like initiative. What you GIVE for each other. And what you get BACK in return. AGREEMENTS. And when people stick to them it makes TRUST. Even a simple trade deal is built on trust. If you don't trust the other person to provide then you'll avoid them. Because you know they won't be making fun with you. Now, since you hold fun in such high regard, and knowing there are people you avoid and people you don't, this alone proves you value trust despite the bullshit you say. You want fun. You go to people that you are confident will have fun with you. And thus you TRUST them more. However, fun must also be MAINTAINED. And it won't happen with "fun alone". We're all people, human beings. With imperfections and flaws. short term communication can cause stress, but lead to an end result of long term fun. The kind that NEVER goes away. All because of TRUST. You can't say trust is overrated if you value fun so much and it makes fun. It's a contradiction. You simply have yet to be able to make it happen. Thing is you AVOID making it happen by building those walls. You PUSH people away and this leads to a lack of fun. And most likely added drama.

If you just complain about how everyone else is to blame and how YOU are difficult on purpose because you see ONLY the worst of others, seeing people as something they are not, then that is your grave. The real issue is assumptions. Born from lies. That is why you build your wall and don't give a shit about anyone other then yourself.

And the reason I know this? Because I once did the same. But it's still bullshit. It's bullshit when I did it. It's bullshit when you do it. If you allow that to lead to seeing ONLY the worst of everyone around you then you will forever live in fear. And I know you don't want that. How then do you remove this fear while focusing on fun? It does NOT happen from being selfish and focusing on YOUR fun alone. In order for others to engage with you they must be able to TRUST you. That means you have to GIVE as well as get. And if they don't... they live in fear with you. Not the "fun" kind, but the "toxic" kind. The kind that is counterproductive towards fun. Is that what you want? To be in a situation where you don't care about each other and allow drama to catch up because you turned your back on other events and lost yourself in fun alone only to inevitably have shit hit the fan because you refused to be realistic? "Fun fun fun, me me me, don't care about you". Does that sound like it leads to fun?

For context I avoid people that don't even talk about things like RESPONSIBILITY. Like responsibility of their own fear that leads to projecting and assuming the worst. I am not the person you think I am. Others aren't the people you assume them to be. Trust or not LIES will NOT be stood for. Period. If someone sees ONLY the worst of everyone around them, I avoid them. Because I was once that person lying to myself. And I can't trust that. But more importantly I AVOID DOING FUN THINGS WITH THEM! So if you stopped that bullshit "I see the worst of you" crap, you might find out you can have more fun with people. If you actually CARE about them. Instead of being an uncaring douche. I am not sugarcoating this. Give people a reason to care about you. It's hard after going through bad events already but there's a difference between "caution" and being a gutless yellow bellied coward. Flee that easily and you not only break trust but also flee from events that could lead to fun.


Find a mirror. Look into it. You ARE that shitty person. Wonderful example when you claim to not care about anyone. You are what you hate. Frankly, you're a hypocrite. I want to believe you're better then that. But so far you've only shown what an uncaring ass you are because fear consumes you. I understand the fear, I truly do. But it is not an excuse. You find it hard to trust others when you claim trust is overrated. SO FAR you can only trust yourself. Because that's all you know that you can rely on. But do not presume that others can't be relied on when you never LET them be there for you. It's all too common for people to fear the worst, then do things, have FUN and through that establish TRUST because they FACED their fears. Currently you're in the "fleeing" phase.

individsenior​(sub female) • Nov 7, 2020

Trust is always a difficult topic. It usually takes me a few meetings to trust. There have been exceptions. I was with one young Dom for a while that the trust was there from day 1. First, he was raised in a conservative culture with strong values of honesty, kindness, giving, etc. 2. With each meeting, trust grew. We were both open with each other, honest, etc.
So I guess there is the issue of initial trust and then the kind of trust that is necessary for a relationship to continue.
There was a time in my life where I seemed to trust people who did not earn it; it took me a while to begin to trust. I first needed the strength to end the relationship, as he would continue to promise to change. At one point an event occurred that crossed a line -- I think it's a different line for everyone.
I spent some time in no relationship and then started to have conversations with different people, men and women, about trust. I worked in myself. I set my standards and did not lower them.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 7, 2020

Question. were you being difficult on purpose (perhaps subconsciously. refusing to do things with him. etc) when he tried to change and pushed him away before he could be in a position to do so? I'm asking because when people try to change they have to do it THEIR way. And figure out how to adapt with you. Think of it as them working "backwards". Change doesn't happen overnight.

That actually sounds a little selfish. And maybe it is. But change is hard at times. Harder still if you refuse to interact with the person that wants to change.

GenX​(sub female) • Nov 8, 2020

Find a mirror. Look into it. You ARE that shitty person. Wonderful example when you claim to not care about anyone. You are what you hate. Frankly, you're a hypocrite. I want to believe you're better then that. But so far you've only shown what an uncaring ass you are because fear consumes you.

To be a sub, do you always talk this much? *Yawn* Had to skip 75%.

Did I hurt your feelings? I don't care. I have no problem with honesty. But don't fucking come to me because u have a problem with me handling things my way. If that's your Dom I fucking flipped on, oh well! Tell him to grow a pair of balls and leave me the fuck alone. I don't think I have given you your opinion yet either. I have plenty of fun not trusting anyone.
And stop talking so much!

GenX​(sub female) • Nov 8, 2020

[quote="Taramafor"]
Coughbullshitcough

Please. You tell yourself this crap because you're afraid of being hurt and don't know how to create trust with others. Granted, much of that inability is on them. But just look at yourself. "Fun fun fun".

U were the Dad at parties weren't u? Get a fucking grip! & Maybe grow a pair of balls worth something! I am who I am and if I choose to keep myself protected, what's it to you? R u that love sick pup? Fuck off taking to me.

If more subs put their hearts on ice and stop letting Doms have control, new subs would have it easy. I'm sorry u disagree with me wanting to have fun before while heartedly trusting a Dom. Making them work for your submission! U count and matter as a person.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 9, 2020

What I have a problem with is how you delude yourself into pretending that no one can be trusted when you don't know how to build trust with others. That's YOUR inability as well as theirs.

You also cared enough to make snarky comments (being insulting. That's on you) and to bring it up. I KNOW genuine not care to the point of emotionless robot. If you truly didn't care you wouldn't have even responded. What you are doing is trying to act like you're in the right. I challenged you, you failed to counter my logic. I can say why. You didn't. Ignore it if you wish but it is you that doesn't have the balls if you can't even defend yourself and complain about something you didn't even bother to try and understand. Trust isn't overrated despite what you claim. There's a reason you're more drawn to others when they PROVE they can support you. There's a reason you avoid them when they prove they can't. And proper communication to establish "being there" and "how to have fun" has to be be had. Or any fun that is had is short lived and fleeting and will eventually sizzle out and die. Due to lack of trust and support. And you will care about that for your own safety if nothing else. Because when people are accused falsely they will make sure you are responsible. Or they suffer in silence. And you might say you don't are when it happens. But then regret it later on. I've seen it happen over and over and over. You are that person complaining. You are that person saying things you know aren't true for everyone even if SOME people will break your trust. You've just happened to have bad experiences and blame everyone around you until proven otherwise. But does everyone deserve that? No! Be cautious but don't accuse without proof.

You don't have to give your heart right away. But putting it on ice is being difficult for the sake of being difficult. It's like going "Maybe we can have fun but I'm going to not let you do anything to prove we can because I have my doubts" (with that SPECIFIC person. That's the important part). You might ASSUME what the truth is but half a year later find out you worried about nothing. A big fat stinking pile of nothing. Because of "fear itself". And "just worrying". Which may potentially cause YEARS of insanity and depression in a relationship and all because of YOUR assumptions. It's common. It's ugly. It's an easy trap to fall into.

Mistrust prevents fun. Being DIFFICULT on PURPOSE means LACK OF INTERACTION. Which in turn leads to lack of fun. What purpose does this serve other then to prevent fun being had because of people being afraid? Caution is one thing. Fear consuming you irrationally is another. Do not pretend you haven't assumed the worst of someone. If someone DID something to break your trust, fair enough. But if you PROJECT onto them when they did NOTHING to break your trust then that is YOUR FEAR harming both them and you.

You are being selfish. You are being insulting. You show poor communiction skils and go out of your way to offend people. And I can look past that. But others may not. And that makes others either hate you or want to avoid you, due to NOT TRUSTING YOU. People you COULD be having fun with. They don't trust you because YOU don't trust THEM. All you want is fun, careless and blind, without the seriousness. But that is exactly how people get hurt. And why fun stops because people didn't use their brains sooner rather then later. Fun is like that dom you mentioned. EARN IT! It's not hard but YOUR mistrust makes it harder. that is 100% on you. And you DO care about that because it gets in the way of what you want. Fun. Mistrust also leads to insanity and depression.

But you know why I know you value trust when you PRETEND it's overrated? BECAUSE YOU JUST SAID IT'S ABOUT EARNING! That contradicts your previous post. You want PROOF. This builds TRUST. You want proof of fun.

Considering you just outright said you didn't even bother to read my privious post fully, it only proves your ignorance. Deaf ears and turned back always leads to raised concerns, leading to more being said, or worse, silence. If this is hw you treat me how can you be trusted in ANY relationship? And why would anyone want to have fun with you if you prove you don't even listen to people?

Sasa​(dom female) • Nov 9, 2020

Trust is like everything else an ongoing process for me. Don't know if there's an end. Usually we are working on our own insecurities and old fears. I bet most here have enough of that for some years to go The road is bumpy from time to time.