Lets talk about abusers and how to spot them.

CinderellaOnTheRun​(sub female){protected} • Jan 25, 2021

@TheChimera, I just wanted to say thank you for posting such a very well written and explanatory post. I hope everyone that need help will find it because it's very useful
~C

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Jan 25, 2021

Some of the best advice I ever heard, I still give to my step-daughters:

"Watch how he treats the waiters, doormen, gas station attendants, retail clerks, etc. That is how he's going to be treating YOU in six months or so."

The advice is sound and applies to subs as well. Watch how your dom treats the "little people". During the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship a faker is trying to impress you, to lure you in. But he doesn't really care about other people, so watch, really watch, how he treats them. Does he complain about the meal, or abuse the waitress? Does he roll his eyes at them? Does he lack patience and understanding when dealing with the "servants"?

Abusers can't really hide these traits from someone who is observing closely. Problem is, during the "honeymoon", the sub is too caught up in the newness of it all to pay close enough attention.

Trust your gut. Bottom line, if a red flag goes up, if something seems suspicious, it probably IS. Don't dismiss it, question, analyze and examine it.

Not every red flag is an indication that something is wrong. So, look for patterns of behavior and weigh them in the balance.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jan 27, 2021

Then perhaps you can care to tell me why the people I know are happy with me and love me. It works.

It's called support. now MOST people get biased. Take sides. Have their viewpoint clouded. But I can not allow even mine to cloud my judgement. I actually encourage the people I interact with to call it into question and be VERY clear the MOMENT there's a misunderstanding.

I also at no point said I ever blame anyone. That is not the game I play. You clearly have trust issues and fear the worst easily. But that's a you problem.

See, the problem is that some people avoid RESPONSIBILITY. Blaming just doesn't work. But ask the right question or make the right key phrase, and you can't argue with yourself. "Did you do this? Can you make that claim?" etc, etc.

The catch 22 is that people can ASSUME it's about blame until they get the full context/full story. Only close minded people that don't want to listen make that assumptions. But those that talk things our reach an understanding. it's that simple.

The most important detail to keep in mind above all else is that it's about what you DON'T know. Not what you do know. It just so happens this same logic also helps lead to making good things happen. You have to hurt people with the truth and use their own doubts against them if you want them to improve. That doesn't mean let them doubt if it can be avoided. If there's a misunderstanding, clear it up. But if someone assumes the worst to THAT extent, to where they are what they complain about/hate, then it simply has to be pointed out. You may interpret that as blame if you want. But the simple fact of the matter is this. Only when people admit their weakness do they turn it into strength. Acceptance is the first step.

There's only really one person that I haven't been able to do that with. And that's because they're block happy and evasive. A lot of other people feel abused as a result. They're not a bad person really, I can understand the fear. But it's not an excuse to be a hypocrite either.

Each and every other person I know, I've gotten amazing results with. Concerns get addressed. They become better people. And it even help boost my own confidence. I make it about them. Because who's going to make it about you if you don't do that? I know the results I get. I know psychology. And THEY tell me they love me. So I'm sure you'll understand when I say I've taken your advice into consideration and will continue to have the well being of other peoples mental well ebing in mind and making them better people when I can. I don't toss people onto shrinks. I help them MYSELF. Because the reality is everything we think, say and do affects how we feel and wherever we're in a "good" state or a "bad" one.

More recently, been helping out someone that's an introvert that's very shy and close closeted. Asked them if I make them happy. We say it to each other. And all because I HELPED them. Understand now?

Just keep in mind somethings things can get worse before they get better. You can't "jump" to happiness. It has to be worked for. With making sure you're understanding with each other. Their own desire for the answers will be why they're there for you. IF you can give straight answers and not stall out of fear or mistrust. Simply don't keep secrets and don't lie. And be upfront. Technical details factor in of course, but keep it simple. Lead by that example and others will follow it.