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Does anyone care about feelings as well as the sexual aspect of this relationship?

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naughtyjay
1 week ago • 09/06/2020 2:04 pm

Does anyone care about feelings as well as the sexual aspect

naughtyjay • 09/06/2020 2:04 pm
As a switch (Primarily dom male due to never really being able to find a switch and im more dom than sub), its just hard to find someone to actually care about my feelings and be there for me. Like I am a human too, like I do like helping each other get off but the fact that we get that close and do that, then they aren't actually there for me... Idk what i'm doing writing on this forum but maybe someone will help me.
Rinweramu​(sub female)
1 week ago • 09/06/2020 3:10 pm
Rinweramu​(sub female) • 09/06/2020 3:10 pm
There are a ton of people like that you just need to find the right sub/switch for you, I think its very important to tell someone your values before you have a relationship with them. Communication is the biggest thing for relationships, if you never tell them how you feel they'll never know.
Xavier Rehnquist​(dom male)
1 week ago • 09/06/2020 3:58 pm
Xavier Rehnquist​(dom male) • 09/06/2020 3:58 pm
I would have thought that consideration of feelings is over 90% of it. Without taking care of a Sub's feelings how can you expect them to trust you and open up emotionally?

I would assume that if a Dom pays little attention to feelings thrn all they are after is an imaginative way of getting laid.

But I'm jusr starting out on this journey so I might just be being naive.
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hank submissive male​(sub male)
1 week ago • 09/06/2020 3:59 pm
hank submissive male​(sub male) • 09/06/2020 3:59 pm
I wondered about this very subject when it comes to switches. I asked if a switch could really be happy as a dom or a sub with someone who is not a switch. I think you may have to talk it out but you may have to find someone who is comfortable doing both it may take longer but they are out there
Yes Boss​(sub female)
1 week ago • 09/06/2020 6:15 pm
Yes Boss​(sub female) • 09/06/2020 6:15 pm
No or they are just pretending, or doing it automaticly (programed robot).
shahh​(switch female)
1 week ago • 09/06/2020 7:37 pm

Re: Does anyone care about feelings as well as the sexual as

shahh​(switch female) • 09/06/2020 7:37 pm
naughtyjay wrote:
As a switch (Primarily dom male due to never really being able to find a switch and im more dom than sub), its just hard to find someone to actually care about my feelings and be there for me. Like I am a human too, like I do like helping each other get off but the fact that we get that close and do that, then they aren't actually there for me... Idk what i'm doing writing on this forum but maybe someone will help me.


I think ...part of the problem may be in your profile where you state you want someone to 'be able to Dom when I'm horny". If that's the only time you want to be a Dom...or play that role, by all means have fun! And if you want to sub or play that role there too...go for it! However, if you want that deep feeling connection, everything has to move beyond the sexual component (on every side of the slash).
kajirasubm​(sub female)
1 week ago • 09/06/2020 8:33 pm
kajirasubm​(sub female) • 09/06/2020 8:33 pm
you've brought up a fantastic question.

BDSM is psychological and physical.

The bond shared between two is the most incredible experience.

Too often, people equate BDSM with toys, scenes and sexuality.
These aspects are only a part of the " whole."

It all comes down to - what one is searching for.
What one's choices are.

There are those who will just level it off at playtime and physical.

There are those who need and want to encompass a deep bond and connection based upon love.

It's a matter of speaking with others who are inclined to a similar path.

Everyone has a different experience in this.
It's a matter of aligning that which you seek, with another who seeks similar.
Then the rest will fall into place.
larkspur​(sub female)
1 week ago • 09/07/2020 12:06 am
larkspur​(sub female) • 09/07/2020 12:06 am
kajirasubm has great points. Essentially you could ask that questions about relationships. There are people who only want the physical and then there are people who are looking for connection and engagement at a deeper level. You have to find someone who wants the same type of relationship you do. Don't settle for the purely physical if what you really want is a deeper connection.
tallslenderguy​(sub male)
1 week ago • 09/07/2020 8:25 pm

Re: Does anyone care about feelings as well as the sexual as

tallslenderguy​(sub male) • 09/07/2020 8:25 pm
shahh wrote:
naughtyjay wrote:
As a switch (Primarily dom male due to never really being able to find a switch and im more dom than sub), its just hard to find someone to actually care about my feelings and be there for me. Like I am a human too, like I do like helping each other get off but the fact that we get that close and do that, then they aren't actually there for me... Idk what i'm doing writing on this forum but maybe someone will help me.


I think ...part of the problem may be in your profile where you state you want someone to 'be able to Dom when I'm horny". If that's the only time you want to be a Dom...or play that role, by all means have fun! And if you want to sub or play that role there too...go for it! However, if you want that deep feeling connection, everything has to move beyond the sexual component (on every side of the slash).


Ditto this. First thing i did/do is go to a persons profile because that is a snapshot of them (in my mind). You really don't seem to have a profile, just an ad that presents at the top of your profile?

my experience in life in general, and BDSM more specifically, has been people guard their feelings, hide them, and often are out of touch or unaware of them, then there is the challenge of being able to put ones feelings into words that can convey to another person.

Another challenge i think contributes to this is a common stereotype that "men are rational and women are emotional." i think that is categorical bs from both my vast (rolls eyes at self) anecdotal point of view, as well as from an evidence/scientific stand point. Everyone has an amygdala (the seat of emotion in the brain). Everyone's senses process/flow through the amygdala before going to the cerebral areas where reason takes place (and we all have those too). i think a good deal of that stereotype, and behavior/attitudes that go with it, are culturally conditioned.

Some of my subjective understanding derives from being a male nurse in a female dominated profession. Nursing is a second career for me. i spent most of my life as an executive business manager in a world dominated by men. The women nurses i work with are some of the most rational and reasonable people i have ever worked with. The men i worked with were some of the most emotionally driven, but were often not aware, trying to hide their feelings behind a facade of reasons... but reasons are not reason, or necessarily rational. i believe western culture in particular has hobbled men by teaching males from an early age to hide, deny, and sublimate, certain of their feelings. To me, one of the feelings men do seem to show is anger. i have come to step back when a guy (or anyone) is expressing anger and try and ascertain what's behind it. i have found that especially with guys, anger is a substitute for tears that guys are taught early on not to shed, or show the feelings behind them. Anger is often an expression of hurt with guys, but it isn't seen or understood for what it is because of the aggressive expression the feeling usually exhibits.

That, just to try and begin to discuss the complexity of feelings in relationship. i'd add that i do not think it is possible to separate the sexul aspect of relationship from feelings. i think the sex drive is more fueled by feeling than 'pure' physiological reasons. i don't thing there is a lack of feeling on either side, but a lack of awareness and a lack of communication if there is awareness.

edit:
p.s.
i think "switch" (or versatile in other speak) is one of the harder dispositions to be in. For instance for me, as a pretty much total bottom, when i'm with a total top, there is a symbiosis that doesn't waver (in that area anyway). With more versatile, switch, it seems so much more complicated because one persons ebb has to match the other persons current flow? Personally, i do not think a quid pro quo approach to sex is sustainable, so i look for compatibility. i think that would be hard to find if one's needs go back and forth. On the other hand, i know "bi" people for instance where that is not so much the factor, rather they feel it gives them choice?