How do you approach?

How do you approach?

Exquisite​(sub female) • Sep 9, 2020

My question is for the Community in a whole!

How do you approach a random person outside of a Munch, Dungeon, Events designated for this lifestyle, etc

Short story guys, I was walking to the store yesterday and these four teenaged girls come out of McDonalds and they are singing the lyrics to “I Of The Tiger” and giggling and I smiled because they were having innocent fun and than all of a sudden five males early 30’s come across the street jogging and the first one that falls in behind the teens states “how about you young ladies come and be our Submissive's we’re all Doms” and another one pipes in and states “instead you can be our slaves”. The girls ignored them and kept walking and giggling.

The guys decided to walk ahead of them and literally got in front of them and as they tried to go around them three of them grabbed three of the girl’s arms and the first guy stated “I asked you a question and you better answer us little girl”. I had already began recording and I took each of there pictures prior to them harassing them and stated “they are not consenting to your offer so let them go and apologize for your behavior and leave before I dial 911 for sexual harassment on jail bait and those guys laughed and one of the girls tried to pry the hand that was holding her and he refused to let her go! I called my Master and than 911.

The police arrive and the relief on the teens face was priceless. The teens were honest and provided the police with ID; the oldest teen was 15 and the youngest was 13. The youngest guy was 34 and the oldest was 38.

The men were arrested and the officers asked me and my Master to please come to the Precinct and write out my statement. I most definitely went and wrote my statement.

I understand some teens look to be consenting age, I also understand this lifestyle has changed, evolved, grown, terminology has changed, however when is it alright to approach in such a fashion?

My question “How Do You Approach” when your not at a munch, event, party, etc?

ribbonbaby​(sub female){Guarded} • Sep 9, 2020

I have never been approached in person by a Dom, but from everything I have read, and from everyone I have spoken to so far, bdsm relationships are supposed to be approached the same way a vanilla relationship is.
Polite, respectful, and hands off unless/until given permission. With the goal of building a relationship. Whether the relationship builds into an acquaintance, play partner, or something more, they are all built on mutual respect and trust. Definitely not demanding or rude behavior.
I do not think those guys were Doms, I think they were predators who simply used that phrase to try and get what they wanted.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2020

@Three: You want people to be those things but the truth is things work very differently then your expectations. The way you phrase it it sounds like you have to be a "nice" person. Which is simply not true. That's going to drive many people away from approaching you at all. One can be "blunt and honest" yet "none judgemental" for context. And expecting people to behave like you want/expect will rub them the wrong way. Doesn't mean put up with bullshit. Does mean treat people on a case by case bases.

I treat people outside of BDSM the same way I treat people in them. That's something I agree with. But each and every person is going to be different. If for example someone tosses out the odd slur but otherwise remains calm and in control while giving direction then they're "dom material". Can either communicate first or simply go with the flow of things. And a number of people don't mind at all if you get hands on. It's just as likely asking can kill the mood as much as making the attempt. All depends on the situation. Pick one, roll with it. It's situational.

On the other hand a large number of people won't have those "control" qualities at first. Approach them. Take an interest. At this point I discuss things like how people project their bad experiences onto others (misplaced mistrust). Fear isn't an excuse to assume stupid shit about people you don't know and see only the worst of them. You want to control your fear and anger. Safety and awareness has to be established. From there fun quickly follows suit. Rest writes itself. Be clear about your wants and needs and how doing things for someone gets them to do things back. It's those that consider the positives that are open minded. Even if they had a bad past. That was then, this is now. Different people. Different situations. Different context. Always discuss that.

Above all else, fuck judgement. And speak your mind. What you like. What you enjoy. What makes you happy. No matter how dark, warped or twisted or taboo it is. It's a mistake to leave that for later. Be upfront and honest right off the bat or it will cause complications later. That's who and what you are. Some people will judge but many will accept you for it. Perhaps it might even be why they take an interest in you at all. You'd be surprised how many people are open minded and willing to explore.

ASensualDom • Sep 9, 2020

(I do not think those guys were Doms, I think they were predators who simply used that phrase to try and get what they wanted.)
AMEEN TO THAT.
Such "boys" are a disgrace to the Dominant Truth of Care, Trust and Emotional RESPONSIBILITY.

ASensualDom • Sep 9, 2020

I approach subs / potential subs just like I respectfully yet Confidently "unapologetically" approach any women / heck HUMAN.
Stating my intentions clearly and communicating honestly.

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2020

yes approaching a dom or sub is not right to approach with sexual inuendo and a list of kinks I would say it is not likely to find a dom or domme or sub in vanilla life or it is 10 x harder because once you get to know a woman or a man you still have to broach the subject if it goes that far along you may be met with a shocked look or flat rejection I still say munches are your best bet

Tthomas • Sep 9, 2020

Very well said.
A mutual understanding of what each individual is
seeking should be the ultimate goal when first meeting.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 9, 2020

Umm... Say "Hi!" ??

Give a saucy look and see if any chemistry happens.

When we overthink things, well, figuratively speaking, tying one's shoe can become an 8-hour project.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2020

The issue isn't having a good time. That can happen right of the bat quite easily. It's that some people don't try to communicate clearly and get to know people while doing so. That's an issue for vanilla people as much as doms/subs. You by no means have to shelf a topic. Just make sure you can have a proper conversation in other matters in the interest of understanding each other. But nothing will change the fact that if sex is a want/need it's exactly that. It's in being silent on the matter or beating around the bush that leads to complications. And makes relationships (especially vanilla ones) suffer down the line as a result. If you enjoy sex SAY you enjoy sex.

There's also the fact that if sex and kink is a large part of who and what you are it's best to be upfront about that rather then lead them on without meaning too (in other words NOT talking about it can in and of itself be an innuendo). simply stating as such is often enough. Sometimes I slip it in conversation (eg: I'm on the kinky side. Slut. etc). Other times I'm talking specific kinks and seeing what they're into. Even experienced virgins can get into a taboo kink quickly if you simply talk about it.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 9, 2020

I have to add 2 more cents.

Over- analysis leads to paralysis. Have simple conversations. If certain bells ring, then follow the tune.

Use one's own internal vibes to go from there. We all know a creep when we meet one. In that case, run like your ass is on fire.

Conversely, if the bells chime a sweet tune: Investigate further!

Simplistic? Perhaps. But Over-complicated? Never