IRL or LDR ?

IRL or LDR ?

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Oct 8, 2020

One night on my way home in a packed subway, a conversation started with a 22 year old woman.
She complimented my boots and I her vintage coat.
She proudly exclaimed that she was wearing her one winter outfit. That she only has 1 outfit for each season, having sold all her other clothes.
A daunting task, no doubt - and now I became curious.
It turned out that she met someone online, and they fell in love.
The past year was spent visiting one another back and forth.
They were both reduced to tears at the airports ,when they'd be returning to their respective homes.
She was on her way to a bon voyage party , because she was leaving Manhattan the next morning and moving to Spain.
She explained her logic very astutely.
She was enrolled in graduate school in Spain, would be living with her fiancee, with plans to marry.
In a moment of youth - she questioned her decision about basically letting go of everything , including her apartment.
She asked if I thought that she made a wise decision.
I told her that Manhattan would be here.
But Love is something that you never walk away from.
She hugged me and invited me to her party.
I'm sorry that I never went.
I got out at the next station.
The last image I have, is of her waving and smiling as the train pulled away.
And I have often wondered, what her life turned out to be.

The only other time, I ever heard of an LDR becoming an IRL successfully, was a follower of my blog from a few years ago. Who married and was in a bdsm lifestyle with her husband.

My question is - can an LDR successfully become an IRL?

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Oct 8, 2020

I think it can. Mine, however did not.

I may have made a lifelong friend. We are just not compatible in a relationship. But that is what you learn LDR. You learn how to dream, what great things you could build and how you can connect to someone's mind. Have so much in common...

The practicality of making that a reality is a lot of work. I think it can be done. I just think you have to be honest. You have to want to put in that work. Because honestly.... you just created a fantasy! You talked about every magnificent thing you could ever dream up. You talked through your fights and arguments. You decided that you were going to be able to handle every situation when face to face, just like you could over the computer. But you talked about so much more. You got to paint this picture of who you could be. Even if you knew that it would take time to get there, you got to put your best foot forward, with the notion of "It will only take a little work to get there" But you set the expectation so high... that when you are IRL - you have to instantly be that person. It is stressful, and if you don't have the characteristics, or the partner, to hold your hand through that, then you will fail.... not to mention the things you just outright lied about...

These are the things that make it not work. You know someone one so intimately online... that they aren't always that person yet IRL.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 8, 2020

Having had 2 of them in the last year, I can only speak to my own experience. The first involved visiting back and forth from only 250 miles away, but that apparently, was too much and it dissolved.

The second, which recently ended, is another story all together. We hit it off almost immediately, Things progressed much faster that I thought they would, but at the end of all things, I believe part of what caused it to fail was missing the face to face interactions. No hugs, no movies, no dinners, no hanging out. No body language to read, few voice tones or inflections. Just type type type, and while it was great interaction, I will always believe if it had the benefit of face to face interaction, it would have succeeded.

And truthfully, the one thing missing from the electronic world IS that you cannot really read your partner. I am an ENFJ personality type, I read people like a book for the most part, but without all the visual or audio components, I find myself frequently stumbling blindly in a conversation. Not sure what the future holds, but I am not against LDR beginnings, but imho, it requires definite augmentation with voice calls, video calls, and yes, once two people are sure they are comfy with it, they should meet face to face, if only for a dinner and a movie

Lexxa​(sub female) • Oct 8, 2020

Sure can! There are several examples of couples here who have maintained LDRs and now live together 'happily ever after' with their partner. Any relationship has potential, just takes two (or more) compatible people and determination to make it happen.

slavebilly​(sub male) • Oct 8, 2020

I believe a LDR can become a successful IRL. I have had one, but more a real close friends rathers than lovers. However. I believe there is a similar dynamic. This individual and i hit it off almost immediately. It was like we knew each other already. Of course i am speaking in generalizations. We would finish each others sentences...etc. when we finally met, it was beautiful. We just talked and talked and really became close. The age difference was the only reason it didnt go further. I have visited her 3 times. She is married now with children so things have changed. I do believe it can work.

Grey Eyes​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 9, 2020

Oh yes it can work. We are proof positive. Our intent was to start LDR and become IRL. Two and a half months after our LDR started (here on the Cage), he came for a visit almost six months ago and never left.

It does take work, no doubt about it. I knew I had to have in person touch eventually, as did he, and without it our relationship would likely have died. Even though we had a lively online relationship that was very fulfilling, we needed those IRL nuances and touch. You both have to put forth an effort and be prepared to weather the potholes that your relationship will hit.

Sir Don​(dom male){Nt looking} • Oct 9, 2020

@ Grey Eyes
So true forevermore

LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} • Oct 9, 2020

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! It can most definitely transition from LDR to IRL. Our dynamic is just ONE of MANY that are examples of that, here on the cage.

2k miles may have kept us from being able to be in each other's physical presence as much as we wanted, in the beginning. But that NEVER stopped us from putting in the intentional and mutual effort to build a strong foundation, one that was built on trust. We did that by having SO MANY raw, vulnerable and completely transparent conversations VERY early on, and repeatedly. One important piece that I personally feel made ALL the difference in the world for BOTH of us, is our values have always been in alignment. Consistency, depth, vulnerability, accountability, compassion, authenticity, transparency, honesty, trust, communication, passion, monogamy, patience and genuine love. We both deeply value and appreciate the same things when it comes to relationships, and life in general. Although, we are similar in A LOT of ways. We are also very different. Therefore our values being in alignment was the very glue that held us together across those 2k miles. We did not allow the distance to keep us from the one who called to our heart and soul. No, instead we actually used that distance to build upon our beautiful connection. LDR actually provided us with the opportunity to get to know one another on such a deep emotional level without the physical taking over if you will. It was truly refreshing, actually. Therefore when the time came for our first in person meet. Our time together was absolutely beautiful and nourishing on such a soul level. It just proved to solidify what we had been feeling from 2k miles apart. A few months later, we came together for our second in person meet and it was off the charts and just as beautiful as the first. But, in all honesty we "knew" from the moment that our eyes met that first time in the airport. That first embrace, our souls knew, that we had found our "home" in one another.

We are approaching our 1.5 year anniversary next month, 1 year IRL. And life is still just as beautiful as it was on day one.

Give love a chance. Follow your heart. You never know who and where it will lead you to.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 9, 2020

No idea how frequently it happens, but certain it happens. Two of my former colleagues met at a conference - one worked in the division in Western US and the other in Australia. After a year they got married. It has been 20 + years now and they are still married.

MariGold • Oct 9, 2020

I do believe it can and I experienced it myself. It ended but that doesn't mean it wasn't successful, it was just not meant to last.

I love that story. I miss NYC and its people!