I need some advice and to vent

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 21, 2020

You do realise this sounds judgemental and disapproving, right? eg: intolerant. I point this out because if he doesn't feel wanted then of COURSE he's going to sneak out. I would too. I've driven others to do so myself.

You see it's like you're "looking down" on them. And weed of all things. There's nothing really "wrong" with weed itself (though if you're selling it that can be a good way to get caught). And if the law states otherwise it can fuck off to be frank. It's a SOFT drug. Personally do NOT partake in it and wouldn't. I personally hate how it clouds the mind, I loath ignorance. But if someone is taking (and more importantly CHOOSING) weed daily maybe they too are tired of dealing with shit. People take that drug to stop thinking. Or at least think less. The ONLY way they might be able to cope without breaking down altogether. "Not thinking straight" does have it's dangers but when you got THAT much on you mind is it any wonder people turn to booze and weed? Why don't people consider THAT more often? I personally always like my head on straight regardless of the situation, but that's MY choice. Respect theirs. Know they have their reasons. Ask, challenge, debate. Awareness and all. But "accept". Do you truly honestly accept that or make a face anytime it's made known? It's about the "reaction". The response. The "aura" we give off when even thinking about such things. Even if things are left unsaid. People will pick up on it.

Taking a "I don't approve" stance will make him feel like it's "Wrong to exist". It's quite possible showing intolerance has driven him to feeling "trapped". Or that he can't be himself. It gets a lot more technical but it's pretty "standard" as far as "complaints" go. Even if you don't say it your body actions and hesitant tones in other conversations will indicate it (among other things).


Sigh. This is what I'm talking about. I hate this phrase. Maybe he does want to change. But maybe he feels so... oppressed and judged and feared that he's lashing out (the fear itself resulting in said lashing out. It's a toxic loop). Maybe wanting him to be anything other then what he is right now is WHY he's lashing out. Maybe YOU need to change too. Did you consider that? Or just blame him alone? Maybe waiting for change instead of giving him a reason too is why he's not changing. Do people even consider ANY of this before going "You need to change"? It's an old, worn out, tired pathetic excuse. To try and change the "person" instead of "the situation". Focus on the "situation". Case by case bases. What is making it negative? How to make it positive? Don't just go "It's all on you".

Why is he doing stupid shit?
Why is he wanting to do drugs and escape by sneaking out?
Why is he afraid?

Probably afraid of you in some ways, but probably afraid of himself too. How can someone change if they're not even accepted for who and what they are and have the worst accepted of them in the first place? Btw these questions aren't meant to be hard on you (unavoidable). I just really need to you consider what YOUR hand in events is. What drove him to it in the first place? Are you a factor? If so what can be done to change that? Don't try to "change him". Change the "situation". But accept him for who and what he is. And can you even state WHAT you want changed? And why? Have you done so beyond "you need to change"? If not then you give him a goal without direction. Not sugar coating this. Had this excuse tossed at me myself. The other side isn't innocent. Both personal experience and observations has proven the OTHER person did something harmful, judgemental, evasive.. Being blunt. YOUR anxiety is likely a factor there. Is that something YOU want to change? Regardless of the answer to that question it's YOUR desire/choice. Just as it is theirs. Regardless of the answer what's important is knowing why. Sometimes simply asking alone makes it happen.

You're both tired and unsure what to do, and likely don't even know the full events of how you're in your current situation. Of which I can not even begin to speculate on. But SOMETHING lead to this event. A combination of things actually, but what's the spark? What kickstarted it all? Find the source. The roots of the matter.


It's not an excuse, nothing is ever an excuse, but it's sure as hell a reason. Can you claim otherwise? Are you going to sit there and say "dealing mentally" is an "excuse" when you're both in the situation you're in? When you're both clearly struggling and drained and tired and probably at the point of breaking? Word of advice. Don't make excuses to yourself until it's too late. Now focus on what you CAN do. Negatives taken note of, move forward. Getting him too is the trick. You're trying, I can tell that. But are you being blunt enough? Or are there times you're hiding behind jokes because you're afraid of facing a situation? I've done the same thing so I know it's something that can happen. Worth considering.

And regardless of wherever you move out or not, this is still someone that's been in your life. Hopefully you work things out and don't just "flee" from each other. But focus on other things that make you happy too. Just don't IGNORE him if he reaches out. Because if you do then you're being that person that ignores, of which you complained about. I don't know how you respond/react to them when they try to get things to happen or hang out, but if, for example, you go "Sigh. Yea, I guess." then it comes across as more negative then positive. Basically, "can do attitude". Either or both of you could benefit from that simple advice. Can lead to activities. Handing out and fun times. Make up sex, depending. You get the idea.

As for the living situation, this boils down to wherever you're living with someone that's at least willing to make you happy. But even if they are you could be evasive yourself. Can get technical. You have anxiety and this implies fearing the worst which leads to said evasiveness. But there's still space and toxic/none toxic environments. I'd say get your thoughts in order, roll up your sleeves after a few days to a week, see how things go and then make a call. That way you're giving them a chance (and yourself at that) and can reflect on what the next step will be.

Sunshinegirl​(sub female) • Oct 21, 2020

Wanting a dom is fine, but wanting a Dom for the sole purpose of supporting you and “creating better habits” for you is not how this works. A D/s is a relationship, the D is a whole person with feelings, goals, thoughts, and dreams. He/she isn’t there just to be a rock to lean on. It sounds like you need a therapist and/or a mentor, not a dominant.

BabyTgirl​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 22, 2020

Hi, I'm going to ask kindly to leave my forum. I was simply venting as I stated in my subject and you personally have no right nor idea what I have experienced I am frustrated.but I am worried for him as well. I need to see a change before I continue my relationship with him because I have to protect and care for myself. I know Marijuana is not a hard drug I am not worried about that is just that he has been doing it frequently and has had incidents when he has gotten in trouble and hurt because of it. I understand you may have meant well but you said I was being judgemental, which I was because I'm simply being raw open and straightforward, and yet all I see in your response is judgement. And I don't appreciate it. And I have helped him sneak out before but when he is stealing cars and getting hurt there has to be a limit to what I as the oldest can just turn a cheek to. I appreciate the advice you did give but your attitude within the message was not appreciated. I just needed to get my feelings out, and I know I am not perfect and nor do I want to flee from our relationship but I do believe that there are better ways to cope and I am allowed to express that. Goodbye

BabyTgirl​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 22, 2020

Hi, I know, I know that a dominant is a person and has thoughts and goals and I am a bit disappointed that through all I expressed you decide to jump to conclusions and point that out. But I will.simply.say.this, all I said was I wanted some help with creating better habits that of which a dom can assist me in. I wrote briefly about it. OF COURSE I KNWO THAT. I simply stated how I wish for having a dom so that in these instances they can help em in those ways. I have a therapist and I am trying I was simply articulating some of the other ways I could be better in these situations. For you to simply throw in my face "I think you need a therapist" is so incredibly insensitive. I apologize if my quick brief quote on a reason why I wish for a dom offended you. It was not all that I meant have a good day. Good bye

Re: I need some advice and to vent

BabyTgirl​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 22, 2020

[quote="BabyTgirl"]So there has been a lot going on in my life and because I am without a dom to help me, its hitting me a lot harder. And frankly I just need to vent. Basically what's going on is I am the older sister of 2 younger brothers. We have been through 2 divorces and a verbally abusive step mom, we are pretty close. But recently me and the oldest of the 2, J, have become estranged. For the past year or so he has been lashing out, sneaking out, doing drugs (mainly Marijuana), and just overall acting crazy. [quote]
Hi I appreciate all of your who were kind and thoughtful in your responses but I think I will be taking this down I have had 2 people be insensitive and rude in their responses and while I can take criticism usually right now I am in a place where I am sensitive and just really needed some friends. It seem some of what I said while venting got miscommunication so allow me to clarify. I
have a therapist. When I said that I wish for a dom to help with support and better habits I simply meant with rules and having someone to talk to. I apologize if anyone thought I meant as a rock to lean on or an insensitive kind of way. I lovey brother dearly which is why I'm being so blunt and harsh, I was also just typing out my emotions, but I really want to see him turn out to be the wonderful man I know he is and I am jist really hurt rn. You all have a good day I believe while this had positives may have been a hit to the gut I didn't need at the moment. I will be taking a break have a good rest of your week!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 22, 2020

Ahem. "No."

This is a public forum. While venting is important I stated my thoughts LOGICALLY and you are trying to PUSH AWAY what I have stated. You AVOIDED the situation. And chances are you take this approach with the people you worry about too (which is my bigger concern). I am saying it once again. You stated t you have anxiety. And I know the bullshit people with anxiety pull. I've also BEEN that person. I see it often enough to know you're the kind of person that goes "Toss aside like shit at the first opportunity because worst is assumed". I was hoping that wasn't the case but you've just proven and validated it. You're a victim of your own fear. But that's your problem. Just don't pretend you're any better then me. You can avoid me but you can't avoid yourself. And if you're a hypocrite doing the exact things you complain about...

You do not decide what MY rights are and I take offence to the implication you get to decide (no one decides for others to be frank). I have every right to challenge you about your own flaws. I decided myself that that is my right. MY choice. Now consider how your poor choice of wording might imply taking control away from others. The people you worry about to be specific. If that bothers you I offer no apologies. If you can't handle being challenged on what you say, regardless of wherever it's a vent or not, then that's your own lack of foresight for posting in a PUBLIC forum. P-U-B-L-I-C. I can and will say things that hurt your feelings. And right now all you are doing is proving you are weak and caving in and playing the "goodbye at the first opportunity" card. Your fear isn't an excuse to be a hypocrite. Your fear is not an excuse to talk down to me. And even if I was (which I was NOT) you're stooping to that level yourself. Despite the fact you're doing exactly what you complain about. You're judgemental. I'm judgemental. No one likes it. I hate it too. But there's larger concerns at play here. And in order to establish that I have to stomp on your fragile, delicate feelings. Because I will not allow that to be in the way. Nor should you if you care for the people you're so concerned about.

All you are doing is proving you're exactly the kind of person I thought you are. If you hadn't lashed out as you just clearly did then I wouldn't be so judgemental of people like you (that is people who have anxiety and blames everyone around them). The kind of person that goes "Toss aside like shit because they curl under a rock and make it about themselves". You're so caught up in "protecting yourself" that you're making it about "yourself". You say you look down on me for being judgemental while you already stated YOU are doing the same. Did I ever claim I'm not being judgemental? Now go find a mirror and look into it because you can not blame me any more then you can yourself. No one appreciates it but spare me your complaints about what I do when YOU yourself are doing the SAME thing. Is there even a way of bringing up some topics without hurting feelings? No, there isn't. Maybe YOU don't appreciate what YOU do yourself. You said you're being judgemental yourself. So, what, you get away with it and no one else does? Is that it? Doesn't work that way. Your concern about lack of appreciation is not an excuse to ignore logic and facts. Your evasiveness does not make that go away. It does not go away just because you want it too. You dodged every question. Every statement I challenged you with. All you are doing is trying to flee from the situation. But this is a situation you are already in. I'm simply refusing to kiss your boo boos and instead focus on the LARGER concerns. And it sure as hell isn't your hurt feelings. My concern is how YOU might be hurting the very people you worry about. If only because I know you wouldn't want to harm them without meaning too.

I understand you're worried, I know what that situation is like. How that fear for someones safety causes you to worry. But nor is that an excuse to try and control someone. Which I suspect you may be doing without even realising (it's a classic mistake to make. You've already tried to decide MY rights so now my concern have risen). That is the danger here. That there's a risk of "removing control" (implied or otherwise) which can harm them. Worst case scenario? someone puts a gun to their heads and pulls the trigger. Or slits their throat. And you're worried about your own hurt feelings? THAT is why I am judgemental. Just so we're perfectly clear here I know/knew people that have been self destructive (or killed themselves). I have bigger concerns then how weak and fragile you are. Did you even consider that before talking down on me? Are you going to ignore the experience I have that might benefit you because of your PERSONAL feelings? Or are you going to examine the situation OBJECTIVELY without letting your emotions control you?

You seem to think I was talking down on you. I wasn't. You did it and it comes across as having MEANT too. I want to trust that's a simple misinterpretation. That we've simply misunderstood each other (that said there's NO misunderstanding "Tossing aside like shit"). This is the part where you either whine some more or show you have an understanding nature and (more importantly) can actually give a straight answer. If you can't then you can't defend yourself. Calling it as I see it. I'm in no mood to sugarcoat or tread on eggshells. In all honestly your "See the worst" attitude has hit a nerve. It's not that I don't feel appreciated. There are times that has to take a backseat. It's the DISHONESTY that's bothering me. The ASSUMPTIONS. Those are the kind of situations your anxiety creates. And if it's happening with me chances are it's happening with the people you're worried about. By this LOGIC (and for crying out loud don't avoid logic) doesn't this then mean there's a good possibility you yourself can be a danger? That does not mean you have to flee because you're worried you'll be a harmful presence. I'm simply saying if you are then it has to be taken note of before something is done. If you're that damn worried for the well being of the people around you then consider that. Claim some accountability. I still haven't seen this. So I'm continuing to push for it. You have yet to give me a straight answer. For all I know you might be refusing to claim responsibility with others. I am "judging" how you treat others based on your responses/interactions with me because that's what I have to work with. I leave room for error but if you're incapable of admitting fault then I see you as a danger. And a danger to others. That's all there is too it. Had you done that in the FIRST place we wouldn't be having THIS conversation. On another note deaf ears and turned backs ALWAYS creates more drama. You create it yourself when you do that (me too when I do it. I've learned not too). It results in people feeling misunderstood resulting in long winded explanations as they feel forced to explain/justify themselves (alternatively, suffer in silence. but I refuse too). You do realise this don't you? And I would love to talk "together". "With" each other, but if you're going to be a close minded douche assuming the worst of everything not giving a shit or being willing to listen then right back at ya. Set a better example and I will follow it. But it's entirely dependent on what you do next. If that's blocking me then so be it. But I refuse to leave things unsaid when I'm concerned too.

The entire reason I made my previous post was to state THEY might not appreciate how YOU come across in some situations. What bothers me the most is that I made this VERY clear and you COMPLETELY avoided that. Too bad. I'm here pointing it out again. Waiting for your input. Have the balls to ANSWER. Or are you afraid of what you'll say? I suspect you're judging yourself. I suspect your evasive nature hurts people you care about. And had you simply said SOMETHING on the matter when instead of bitching at me I wouldn't be here bitching at you. great example. If that's the one you set, that's the one I follow. But much more importantly others will too. The people you worry about.

You're talking "down" on me. You THOUGHT I was with you but I was honestly challenging you. Before I was calm. right now I'm... angry is too strong a word. You've only given me further reason to be wary of people like you, who jump to the worst possible conclusion at the first opportunity and go "Toss aside like garbage". Just give me one straight answer. Have you ever treated the people you care about that way? Because if so then that only proves you are part of the problem. What I want from you is a consideration of being responsible for events getting out of hand. That you yourself might be a reason the people you worry about get hurt. And if you can't or are unwilling to even consider that then is it any wonder things get out of hand? All you are doing is blaming. Where's your share of responsibility? You have good intentions too but the very fact you're talking down on me for mine just proves there's every possibility you yourself can be making that very same mistake. THAT'S what I'm trying to get across here. And if that hurts your fragile delicate feelings then tough. I'm not here to coddle you like others here. Nor will I give in to your demands or "requests" just because it bothers you. I value honesty and truth more then how offended someone is. Myself included. Actually show you're listening instead of whining and THEN I might do things for you. But until then I have no reason to do so.

Also, yes, I know I'm "whining" a lot right now. But maybe I need to vent and be understood too. Understand or don't. Showing that will lead to less walls. Further "Deaf ears" lead to more. Up to you.

Tell me I'm wrong, say why and I will listen. But if all you have are complaints then they are exactly that. "Freedom of speech". Everyone needs to be talked sense into at times no matter how much they want to flee (I very much include myself in that). But is that really what you want to do? Live in fear and not FACE it? To be INCAPABLE of doing so? But you're the one that flees. It's hard to be sympathetic when you go "Assume the worse, toss aside, not even be there". And at the FIRST opportunity. And if anything has ever been less appreciated it's that. Wonderful example. Actually it's a horrible and potentially traumatising one. My point is if that's the BS you pull then don't expect to be appreciated. It's pathetic when I do it, it's pathetic when you do it. I'm not biased. But sod all that and it put aside for a moment. Think about how it's bothered you when OTHERS have done that to you. "Playing the victim". While hurting you. Is that something you yourself are doing to the people you're so concerned about? If so then there you go.