A question for Mono in a poly relationship

A question for Mono in a poly relationship

Liliac​(sub female) • Nov 7, 2020

Hi, if there is anyone who is monogamous but has fallen for a polyamorous guy/girl, I have a question for you. How do you deal with the insecurity that you feel when your partner seeks out other partners aside from you? Not talking about the existing primary but a new partner which is completely different if you know what I am saying. How do you maintain your relationship without feeling left out or feel inferior? Does it even work when you are monogamous and your partner is not?

YesNow • Nov 7, 2020

why would you subject yourself to a situation that is out of your value system?

littleMagpie​(sub female) • Nov 7, 2020

Communicate. Talk with your partner.
You’re not inferior to anyone, but your feelings are so valid. Explain to your partner what makes you feel that way.
Try to carve out time that is just for the two of you, and find things that remain yours and theirs. But also just time, once the new partner has been around a while and you realise it doesn’t change much for your relationship.

I’d also check out poly.land - so many helpful articles on there and she’s really relatable.

Liliac​(sub female) • Nov 7, 2020

Because I love him. And I am trying to understand and learn more about it. I do not doubt that it is out of my value system but I want to work on my feelings so that somehow, I can understand better and learn better in this relationship.

Liliac​(sub female) • Nov 7, 2020

Thank you. I will definitely check it out. I really appreciate any advice.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Nov 8, 2020

I dont agree that throwing yourself into a relationship to learn about something is the best way to do it. Hurting yourself over and over is not a good way to condition yourself into the lifestyle, if that is something you are looking to do.

There are many kinds of love, you do not need to be in a poly relationship because you are in love. As with all emotions it will fade and you have to have something more than love to stand on, the fundamentals, like poly or mono and trust that your partner will also embrace the values that are important to YOU.

I am not saying you can't learn and change, if you want to. But this is not a personality trait that can just be adjusted and corrected, this is a core value or characteristic that take a lit of time to change. It is part of your foundation and to change that is not easy. And you have to want to.

It sounds like you just want to be in love, since you still say you are mono. I could be wrong, I am not judging. But that is not a good reason to "try" and be poly. I am purely mono, so I do not have insight on that pov, though I have talked to some and gathered valuable intel. In the end, it was not worth pursuing a relationship with 2 people who could not change.

Sasa​(dom female) • Nov 8, 2020

Whatever you want to do it is your decision and only yours. I woudn't share, but I also understand that we are changing and that this could be a good experience as long as you leave when it hurts you too much. This is important ... be honest and open with all the emotional stuff that bubbles up.

Dossie Easton wrote a book called - The Ethical Slut - The essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable... thats a part of the cover. Maybe an idea...

In my case, I would only kind of share if I my partner would have needs I couldn't give (same right for me) - but that is not poly. Thats only about playing.

Sending lots of good wishes.

kyubii​(dom male) • Nov 8, 2020

It's kind of a rare relationship dynamic, but not unheard-of. I have friend who open to new relationships but her husband is monogamist. I feel like if communication is clear and feelings are respected it can work perfectly well.

Bunnie • Nov 9, 2020

I am monogamous, and my Master is not. So I do understand your situation. I don’t think you’re wrong in wanting to respect his choices, and I also don’t think you’re wrong in admitting that it’s a struggle for you and that you’re doing it because you love him. In some circles that would simply classify you as a slave.

I see these fears as being stepping stones towards building more trust. It just means that you haven’t quite gotten over that hump yet. Sit with yourself and dig deep. Keep asking questions inside, until you find the answer that feels like it’s the core. For me, it was a fear of being abandoned. The trail of breadcrumbs I followed to find that truth went something a little like this... “she’ll be better,” “he’ll love her more,” “why then would he want to keep me if he has something better?” “why am I not enough?”

These relationships lay all our shit bare, because there is no hiding. Nothing can be hidden for them to be able to work. Share all of this with him every step of the way. He needs to know so that he can help you with your struggle. Being on the other side of that initial struggle for the time being, I can look back now and see that it was still just a part of the process towards building our foundation. Trust. You’ll be ok. When you can reach a point of believing that some people do offer forever, you will realise that it has actually taught you to be strong enough inside, having faced all your demons, that you will be ok no matter what. I hope this makes some sense, and helps in some way.

*something else I wanted to add. A practical tool I used when I felt those fears rising, was to sit down and have an internal dialogue with myself... my rational mind vs my fear mind. I would ask myself if any of his past behaviour has suggested to me that he is untrustworthy or seeking to do me harm. I would ask myself if I trust him. That helped a lot to help me realise that my fears could blow everything out of proportion if I allowed them to run wild. Eventually my rational mind simply had enough “evidence” to prove that I can trust him to be responsible with my heart and vulnerability.

Liliac​(sub female) • Nov 9, 2020

Bunnie. You just laid my soul bare. Those are exactly the thoughts I am having. No matter how much he reassures me, the foundation of problem lies in the fact that I am always going to compare myself to his other partner. "Am I not good enough? Why is he more than enough for me and I am not enough for him?" All those thoughts. And you just put it beautifully. It's the fear of abandonment. And also my self esteem issues I need to work on. Not to say, he wouldn't have to work on his part though. We will both need lots and lots of communication.
I have sat and thought about this far and hard. To be able to overcome this, I will need to work on myself first. This issue runs much deeper than other people saying "Your partner doesn't care about you. He is selfish. He wants to have more even if he has someone." He has never hid his polyamory from me. He has never hid who he is. I will definitely need to ask myself the questions that you wrote. This is such an eye opener for me. Thank you Bunnie. This is a life saver for me.