New to the life Feelings

New to the life Feelings

Jessica_Jewlz​(sub female) • Oct 6, 2017

Okay, here goes, my first post. I am brand new and kind of learning as I go. I am with someone, we started dating and he introduced me to the lifestyle. This has been about a month ago. We talked a lot and I do trust him. I have known him for years and my friends know we are dating (safe). He has told me that I am his, his property and I loved hearing that. We are starting slow, discussing as we go. He had me kneel for him, which I actually enjoy. But for the first time I knelt facing a wall. He told me to move up against the wall because he walks on the floor. That felt foreign. Then he left me there for 15-20 mts (I guess). When I first did it, I had to remind myself that I was doing this beecause I wanted to please him, though part of me felt bad/ashamed of what I was doing. I repeated to myself that it was my decision and I could let go of all my worries and fears and just be. He would take care of me, he would make decisions. After a few repititions I began to relax, felt my shoulders drop and the stress left me. But through out this, I still had the nagging feeling that this was wrong.
Does this go away or get easier? Is this part of breaking me or a lesson I am to learn from? Anyone have advice or been through this?
Thank you

Silver​(sub female){not intere} • Oct 6, 2017

yes jess the feelings are normal ...for me it was. my back ground includes being able to teach the catholic catechism to all ages. so the idea of submitting to a human being was a hard concept for my brain to grasp.
i had an internal war happening in my head....kneeling before another human being when organized religion was reminding me to bow before no one but jesus christ.
and then i realized that our bodies have the capacity for great intense pleasure. a loving God would not gift us with this ability and then expect us not to enjoy it.
and over time i would stop fighting with the fact that i fell in love at first sight with Sir. together W/we had and have insane chemistry.
i know that reconciling myself did not ""break""" me one bit. the part of scripture that speaks about "give to caesar what is His and give to God what is His" really helped me a lot. ( my loose paraphrasing)
in time kneeling for your Master can become an extreme pleasure for you because you can grow in your submission to be a terrific service submissive. and from kneeling you can progress to bathing Him and dressing Him...of course you do these things for Him before you take care of yourself. you learn to put Him first and that will bring great pleasure.
and since you brought up the subject of breaking. i just want to state that breaking someone is a very serious act. when choosing a sub that sub should not be picked with thoughts of breaking them and completely changing them. when someone is choosen it should be because there are traits and characteristics that appeal to the other person. its one thing to need to help or change a few things...but not everything.
and breaking someone can have very serious consequences. breaking someone down to the point where they cannot function day to day or even hold down a job is destructive and wrong
and then once broken many have been dropped and abandoned which is irresponsible. and it is also a heinous crime.
an ideal relationship would be where the Dominant is helping the bottom to see their faults and troubleshooting with strategies that the bottom can use to make themselves a better submissive and person.
the point behind most of it is that the sub ends up being a quality sub and the Dominant uses their talents and abilities to help their submissive achieve a better quality of life.

Bunnie • Oct 6, 2017

Thank you for posting this Jess, I look forward to reading the responses.

Kinkylocs​(switch female){Who cares} • Oct 6, 2017

You say it got less stressful for you but that it still FELT wrong.

I would definitely take some time for yourself to try and figure out what exactly feels wrong about it. Kneeling to another individual? Facing a wall? Being left alone for so long? After the what comes the why. Why does it feel wrong? Is it due to a dogma that had been pushed onto you externally or if this an internal feeling. And I would say a good way to distinguish between the two of where you feel it in your body. The prior would likely feel like anxiety and overthinking while the latter would be more of a gut instinct/knowing.

Since you're just beginning, you still are learning what works and doesn't work for you. I like how silver put it, it's not about breaking someone down to the foundation so they can be rebuilt in the image the Dom wanted, but about finding compatibility and then being willing to see the parts of ourselves that aren't serving us and push our comfort levels to let go of those things (usually fear based beliefs).

Does it feel wrong because you have a fear of abandonment? If so, maybe these are the moments of having to push through your discomfort to let your ability to trust grow. But if this is a gut feeling that just doesn't seem to stem from insecurities or the past, I wouldn't just ignore it.

Most of all, don't forget to let your man know about these feelings. Talk about them, is important.