Breaking a hard limit

Breaking a hard limit

BratSubSwitch​(switch female) • Jan 3, 2021

Hello, I'm searching for help. So i have a daddy dom and as a switch sometimes i try to dominate without realizing it. I broke my Dom's hard limit without realizing it. I'm trying to fix the situation because they don't want to talk to me now

SirBuck​(dom male) • Jan 3, 2021

This may not be what you want to hear. But all you can really do is talk about it together.
But at the end of the day, breaking a hard limit, whether on purpose or not, takes away trust. If it took away enough trust, there may just not be anything you can do. It all depends on what the hard limit was, and how big a deal it is to your dom. But just keep trying to talk to him, assure him you will do your best not to do it again, while at the same time not harassing him and giving him a little space.
While talking to him, try to use more submissive language, "please talk to me, I need my dom" rather than "come talk with me".
I can't really think of anything else you can do. If you want to talk about it, feel free to message me.

Links​(switch male) • Jan 4, 2021

You've definitely caused some trust issues with this individual whether it was purposely or not, it's unfortunate, but that's the harsh reality. I think the best thing that you could do is communicate, but if they are not wanting to do that, it may be best to give them some time. Explain yourself, the things that were going through your head at the time, and that you had no intention of over-stepping like it appears that you did in this case. Then hear them out, come to an agreement that you can both be happy with, and take steps to ensure you don't end up crossing someone's hard limit again. Those steps are more communication and understanding if you ask me. If they don't want to talk right now, they might after you give them some time to think about how they want to handle the situation, because they might not know what to do.

BratSubSwitch​(switch female) • Jan 4, 2021

Thank you for the advice. I'm trying to give space as much as I can. And taking time to think about the things to say and how to word it so I don't come off as defensive.

Tthomas • Jan 4, 2021

This is a hard one.

It’s a good idea to give them space. How much only you know.

If you give them to much they think you do not care .
To little and they think it’s all about you.

You probably know them better than anyone.
I would say that you want to build it back anyway you can, whatever you have to do.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Jan 4, 2021

Not that I am trying to be nosey... but how did you go over a hard limit? Did he safe word? He should have if it was a hard limit. Is it a hard limit because it could hurt him, trigger him emotionally, make him relive a trauma? When I read this, it just makes me think that his "Hard Limit" is "Do not top from the bottom" which seems like it might be really easy to go over as a switch or even as a sub in general, since a limit like that is not always a clear line.

It is very respectable that you are so aware and apologetic that you did over step that bound, and since you know the full force of what it means or why it is a hard limit, that you are trying to fix it... but I have read some people hard limits before and thought "Is that really what a definition of a hard limit should be"? Just to clarify I have seen Hard Limits: "No Lying" because that it possible forever and always, truth serum, it is going to happen, we are human. So if it is a limit that is insurmountable, maybe that is the next conversation you need to have, to allow for error.

If not, and it was a very clear limit that you passed over in the moment... then disregard the entire last paragraph and good luck reconciling. I think with pure intent behind your apology, hopefully you can get another chance to learn from your mistakes. Planning out scenes ahead of time, that may venture close to the Hard Limits can also help in making you both aware when in the scene, revisiting the safe words and voicing those limits before starting may be a good practice for next time.

Miki • Jan 4, 2021

Depends on the partner. A hard limit is "hard" for a reason. If they are willing to listen to understand you made a mistake then it will work out eventually, but others are adamant about "hard limits" and breaking one might lead them to chuck the whole deal.

Sorry this isn't sun-shiny news but next time, either with this guy or someone else, do yourself a favor and get to know, fully understand, and observe all limits, hard or "flexible" strictly.

BratSubSwitch​(switch female) • Jan 5, 2021

So the hard limit is something put in place because it makes him relive a trauma he does not want to relive. It took me talking to someone on her to really understand where I broke that limit and i am working on trying to regain his trust

SuperEight​(sub female) • Jan 5, 2021

Firstly, it's wonderful you're trying to reconcile the situation and you understand how deeply one can harm another by breaking a hard limit. Were I in your situation, I'd start with a heartfelt apology and let things flow from there. I'd follow up stating how you understand exactly how you broke that limit and (only if he's willing to have a conversation at this point) how you plan to make sure it never happens again.
And unfortunately, if that person doesnt want to reach back out, it may be best to let them be. Trust can't always be regained, especially with trauma triggers and we should all respect when someone no longer wants to be in a dynamic/relationship of any kind.
This is only from my own personal perspective, obviously you know the situation better than a random person from the internet. I hope you both reach a solution you're at peace with.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Jan 5, 2021

I'm kinda torn with this one.

I am adamant about safewords and negotiated limits.

Part of me wants to be the guy who says "It's ok, it was an accident, lets move on but be more mindful of our negotiations and limits from now on."
But then there is the side of me that says "No, it was a hard limit. Period. They are called that for a reason."

If the hard limit was "don't shit in my favorite shoes" then stopping, maybe some aftercare, allowing for time and space to process, hopefully having a conversation before too much time has passed might be enough, depending on the person. Some people might argue that shoes can be replaced, corrections can be made, I'll buy you a new pair. Maybe that will suffice.

But now lets consider an extreme example. "Sorry I removed one of your kidneys even though I new it was a hard limit." Uh, nope, no apology would be sufficient.

If shitting in someone's shoes is a soft limit, then maybe there is some wiggle room.
But there are not degrees of hard limit, and it is surely not for any person to decide the value of another person's limits. No exceptions.

This isn't to say that he won't forgive that. We all deal with things in our own way. And it's good that you are aware and willing to try to fix things. That does show character.

Good luck.