Dear Kit...BDSM vs Love

Dear Kit...BDSM vs Love

MasterKit​(sadist female){Hmmm} • Jan 13, 2021

Ok. So. This topic is super sensitive or so I've found...

Not sure how to word this since I've been receiving this question a lot...

"My Sub/Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress...etc...But it's all business....How do I act or respond?"

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 13, 2021

With a firm hand and a soft touch

Re: Dear Kit...BDSM vs Love

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 13, 2021

A lot depends on is what "they" want. "sexually-oriented playtime or something with the possibility of emotional development"

It is up to the individual receiving to decide and act upon what they really want.

This would absolutely not be a "fake it 'til you make it" scenario, it's a "Speak Up When you Feel The Vibe" moment.

---Don't hitch your wagon to a train going nowhere, if Emo is the thing.

---Conversely, if you're like me and just want a no-strings, roll-in-the-hay, and the other side of the equation indicates they want to haul the "long distance"-- the most important thing is, as might be the most commonly found word in this entire freakin' forum; "Communication".

Don't mislead the Keepers and hurt them. Don't bind up those for whom there are no ties that can ever bind.

$0.03 cents on this bit of likely ignored suggestion. (inflation)

Peace On!

MasterKit​(sadist female){Hmmm} • Jan 14, 2021

Wowww! Great responses 💖 I often find that is my most difficult question...what to do when your lifestyle partner falls in love but you can't reciprocate. My normal reply is to explain that you don't feel the same and provide them with the opportunity to exit to find what their heart desires. I had one session with a couple...where the Domme refused to let the Sub go. He loved her. She did not. He was hurt...deeply. Sorry. But not really...

I leaned into her selfish ass right then and there. I don't do ignorance....barely tolerate stupidity...and even Dominant's can be utter brats. And I have a really low tolerance for disrespect of one's heart.

Happy to say...I hooked him up with someone worthy of his submission. They are now engaged.

Hope they see this post!

Congrats you two!!!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 15, 2021

People come to BDSM and power exchange for many reasons.

So you must first decide what yours are.

Some want it to be a game for sex or play.

Some have vanilla partners and they don't want love because they are not interested in it going that far.

Some are here for the whole deal. We want love, romance, BDSM, nice sex, rough sex, power exchange and all the vanilla day to day. I'm in that last group. I've had such relationships and see no reason to settle for less. Further I submit with my heart, so someone telling me there will be no love does no good. My emotions will get involved. I know me.

Only you can decide what you want or need for yourself. If you want a love match along with all the other stuff. Then stick to your guns. Be clear about it at the start and don't let another person decide for you that there will be no love.

I've seen this go badly and seen people broken beyond even they imagined because one fell in love and the other walked.

So where ever you fall on that topic, be clear about it and accept that those NOT on that side with you are not compatible.

They are allowed what they want as are you. Never try to change anyone's mind.

MasterKit​(sadist female){Hmmm} • Jan 16, 2021

@SubtleHush

So very true!

"So where ever you fall on that topic, be clear about it and accept that those NOT on that side with you are not compatible."

This is the main takeaway about this topic. Recognizing compatibility. And then accepting it without forcing one into your own willfullness. And also, detecting and minimizing the damage that can occur.

Thank you for posting your insight

-Akira

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 16, 2021

MasterKit​ "This is the main takeaway about this topic. Recognizing compatibility. And then accepting it without forcing one into your own willfullness. And also, detecting and minimizing the damage that can occur."

So true.

Sometimes we see such potential in a person that we want to be the altering influence. I'm old so I grew up on Doris Day/Rock Hudson movies. It was always the same formula. He, a confirmed womanizer/bachelor. She, virginal and proper, but feisty.

They spar back and forth and then wallah! He is smitten and gives up his womanizing ways because he wants her -the one strong enough to resist his compelling seduction. But she won't take him and thus the hilarious romp through the chase because he must earn her now.

Replace the roles with the determined (possibly broken) person who wants nothing to do with love
and the remarkable and devoted person who will take all the other gives to show that person how amazing the they are.
And Wallah! Love bubbles up - fade to happy ending.

But I've seen this up close and it is painful. And when the one opposed to love firmly states that they are still opposed and then they break it off, you end up with a heartbroken person who should have accepted or walked away from the truth of what they were told.

Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

DrKrall • Jan 17, 2021

What's super sensitive about it?

Some do love, some do business, some do both. What matters is to agree upon it or deal with change.
I for one have loved all my partners. Slaves, subs or vanillas. It doesn't matter if it was romance turning into D/s or if it was business like agreed upon D/s that turned into love. One of my slaves told me while we were negotiating rules and restrictions "I'm not your girlfriend", so I told her I knew that, but me loving her would be inevitable even if it wouldn't affect the way I would treat her. Even a non sexual M/s relationship often has a lot of intimacy. We are all different, but to me intimacy leads to affection and affection leads to love. If there is sex involved it happens faster yet.

Even with a partner craving degradation and objectification there is still love from my side even if I don't tell her.

MasterKit​(sadist female){Hmmm} • Jan 17, 2021

@DrKrall

Yes, that is true. Even outside of all of "this"...one can still love. It is the fact of grasping on to "unrequited" love and valiant in that pursuit, that causes an undesirable outcome/ending. I think the message I really want to convey is...

Despite what Forrest Gump says...

Life is not like a box of chocolates. You know exactly what you're going to get. Warning signs are there. You just have to remove the blinders.

Actions have consequences.

Although, many refuse to see those consequences. Falling in love can not be helped. It's a natural "desire" of our very beings.

To love and be loved in return.

But when that love is not returned by the other party...and THAT other party refuses to allow you to be loved by another...

That is selfishness...possessiveness (and denial)

And that is what puts me in a protective mode...

I guess I have to stop being a "Mother Hen" as my friends have said lol

Thank you so very much for your post 💖

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jan 17, 2021

Define "love."

i do not know if it is possible? i have examined and worked at it for most of my life, and have a working definition, but it is incomplete. And that, for me, points to another often ignored element of relationship: "compatibility." i actually think that what often passes as 'love' is really the thrill of symbiosis that results when two opposites (naturally) attract and their individual needs/desires nurture each other (and those who have read other of my posts know i am big on compatibility when it comes to intimate relationship, especially D/s).

"Love," to me, is a different proposition. i do think love has it's mysterious side, but i also think it has a very practical side. my working definition of 'love' is: the purposeful and ongoing act of listening and looking to/at another with the intent to see/hear them as they are, and the subsequent affirmation of their value. lol, i know, sounds really clinical, but it's a hell of a 'practice' and takes a lot of energy.

i personally do not think one can have a healthy, sustainable, intimate relationship without both compatibility and love. No set/group of people is 100% compatible, and we fuck up all the time, so i think the purposeful practice of love helps fill in the gaps, adds grace to a relationship. i believe that without a large, ongoing dose, of both intimate relationship devolves into a loveless, quid-pro-quo dynamic, both tortured (not the good kind S/m folk) and torturous.