Post-Dynamic Questions

Post-Dynamic Questions

JustGreenie • Jan 14, 2021

I am wondering if it is appropriate to ask post dynamic questions? I personally would like to know what they felt was the issue with me, so that I am able to recognize them and work on them for future dynamics. Especially since I am currently working on myself and learning more about the lifestyle.

What are your thoughts?

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 15, 2021

Regaurdless of its content, the only wrong question is the one you didnt ask. Of coursebive said that before which seems lost on some so I'll explain. As the only question that is wrong is the one you didnt ask then it makes all questions you asked as the right questions while the question you're thinking of asking yet have not asked is only wrong till you've asked it

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 15, 2021

I definitely think it’s appropriate to ask, whether you get an answer or not or a useful answer is a different story. But it’s better to ask than keep wondering

The original Her​(switch female) • Jan 15, 2021

It is absolutely acceptable to ask them in my mind, because how else are you expected to learn and take experience from the relationship (of whatever sort)? However, that comes with the caveat of making sure that you do so tastefully, and with regards to the other person's emotions, as well as knowing when to stop pressing for answers. It also helps give closure to you, and can help the other person further process their decision that they made.

Bunnie • Jan 15, 2021

Would they be telling you anything you don’t already know? Did it ending come out of nowhere or were there already glaringly obvious problems?

My suggestion would be to sit with the “why’s” and see what comes up. I think maybe digging deep enough, you may be able to find the answers on your own.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Jan 15, 2021

I don't know who I agree with. Both sides have merit in my opinion. When I have asked, personally, I have been met with things that were useless, in the fact that they were either untrue, or trying to be spiteful. How well does someone really know you aside from what labels they give you in their minds eye? But also, when I got those answers, it did help to realize that there was likely nothing I could have done and the outcome was inevitable, sometimes you do not need to know how you were turned into the villain of someone else's story so they could remain the hero. Just more fodder for the anxiety machine., which is unproductive if not constructive.

Re: Post-Dynamic Questions

MasterKit​(sadist female){Hmmm} • Jan 15, 2021

Good question. But, I guess I'm curious on a few points...

1) Why would you have to ask? Communication is an important role in everything. But I do understand it is often way too neglected and overlooked. Also, some people are ass hats at it.

2) Well...would we really learn and "improve" or "course correct"? How do you know that you didn't just come across an unreasonable ass? Example. I could fuck and submit to Superman. Doesn't mean he doesn't have a Hitler mentality that he wants me to live up too lifestyle wise. Met a few of those jerks 🙄

My advice?

Unless it is someone who specializes in guidance (in which, if they were you wouldn't have to worry about post anything)...

Just. Be. You

You'll discover someone who's willing to step up to the plate and ACTUALLY "volunteer" to help you hit that home run. Best of all?

No Questions Asked *wink*

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 15, 2021

I think you mean post breakup. Regardless of the dynamic you are still people ending a relationship. It helps no one's understanding to make it sound like more than that.

At such times some people will be open and others will want to walk away. So if they weren't able to either talk to you or get you to listen during the relationship, after the fact may be too late. Start the next relationship more slowly and make a term of your pre dynamic negotiation (What? You don't do that? Start.) an outline of communication needs and wants. Be clear on what you will NOT do without in your relationship. Ongoing feedback and communication allows for edits and changes along the way.

No communication agreement does not.

Have a long talk with yourself. Look at all your past relationships.
Do you see a pattern in the way those relationships began?
In who you were with? In where things fell apart?
Are you the common denominator?

Then you don't need anyone else's feedback. Work on those things you know are there getting in your way. We all have had them. If that means therapy or counseling, then do that. If that means other changes or growth efforts, do that. We often know what needs work but don't want to be right. So we latch onto the person who will tell us what we want to hear, only to end up right where we are at the end of every relationship.

You, I, We all deserve better. But it is up to you and your partner to co-create that better outcome.

H*

DrKrall • Jan 17, 2021

I'm not saying it's wrong. It would depend a lot on the circumstances, what the questions are and who you ask.
Once I had a friend. He identified as a Dom but he was very insecure. We were members of the same club and he had problems finding a partner, but he had a lot of casual sessions with single subs at this club. The problem was he was so insecure and always asked them for a review after each session so most of them didn't really want more than one session with him. I once invited him for a pain session with my then slavegirl. She usually came from being whipped and most of the time she got into subspace very easy, but his insecurity disturbed her. She got naked and I think he had a problem with this since he knew us both, and he also asked her after each lash if it was too hard. After a while I had to tell him to shut up, just whip her and go on until he had enough or I told him to stop it. She told me afterwards until I told him to shut up it was the most annoying situation she had been in, since his questions kept her from spacing.

Asking questions can be OK, but showing to much insecurity kills the magic. Most subs need to feel safe to submit fully and an insecure Dom doesn't install a feeling of safety. Asking what the sub liked or not, and if the intensity was on a good level are good questions but how they are asked can be crucial.

Edit: Oh, did you mean post breakup? In that case ignore my answer. If your partner didn't tell you why he/she broke up, I don't think there would be much use asking.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 17, 2021

i think you can do, and ask whatever you like. That said think about what you're likely to get, and/or hear. even one minute post break up both parties see each other differently to some degree- even in amicable situations. You must- its part of how we move on. I think Bunnie is right. If you feel like you need answers from that dynamic they, like all the real info you ever needed to know about that person are buried within the memories and information you already have- and got probably much earlier on than you suspect. Its imo much harder for us to see ourselves with the degree of objectivity we need to change and improve than it is to go back to someone we've left behind and ask for answers that may be of no use whatsoever. Working on seeing ourselves in a way that leads to future improvement- one might start by looking for patterns. Perhaps similar issues come up in our past dynamics and friendships and for the reason that they ring true- and truth is painful, as is growth, we have glazed over or fought against using that information in a constructive way. I'd sooner start there, on the hard road, than go back to a past dynamic and ask questions i probably couldnt accept the answers to the first time around ( and now ask and try to sift through what may be said out of bitterness or hurt on their part, no longer for our growth and prosperity)