Being a Dominate

Being a Dominate

BratSubSwitch​(switch female) • Feb 6, 2021

So I am a submissive leaning switch and my gf is a dominate. She wants to see if she can be a switch so she gave me 1 day to be completely dominate. I need advice since we are in a long distance relationship and usually when I'm dominate it's when I'm triggered.

SirYesSir​(dom male) • Feb 6, 2021

Sorry/not Sorry to say but among any Dom's help for a /sub should include teaching the proper use of "Dominant" VS "Dominate".... Puh-leeze...

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Feb 6, 2021

Well, first rattle out of the box, I'll admit to being Dominant rather than switch, with little to no submissiveness in my personality. Even topping me from the bottom has been problematic over the decades. And interaction with other Dom(me)s (or switches) who attempt to try to control me generally ends up with both of us sorry and sore.

So, you may want to take that into consideration while reading forward. Can I really understand what it is like for a switch, much less a submissive who is trying to learn to dominate against innate nature? Well, I like to think I've at least got an understanding just where the clue phone is and don't run around trying to stick a quarter in every slot I see.

Being Dominant... or dominating, trying to Dominate someone, while it is something different from domineering, is... well, it's really not all that different from preferring to be the one behind the wheel of the car.

And being submissive is not really all that different from preferring to be in the passenger seat. (Quietly in the passenger seat, mind you.)

Both are moving in the same direction, together, but the dominant partner is the one steering, accelerating, braking... And the submissive chooses to either see where the ride is going or bail out the door.

Although some have a tendency to carp from the passenger seat. Or even reach over and yank the wheel sometimes...

Actually, kind of a funny story. Love, my late wife, and I hadn't been together very long. Nor had she lived in this city for just very long. So, when we ventured out of the bedroom and out of the apartment, I drove. Which just made sense, since there were very few roads (or alleys) I hadn't been down...

Well, this one day she was sideseat driving to the point that I pulled into a parking lot, got out, got in the backseat, and laid down for a nap. With her sitting in the passenger seat, just staring at me with her mouth open. She argued for about a quarter of an hour, then sat there and fumed for another half before finally getting behind the wheel and driving us home.

Which was only four blocks. Close enough she could have gotten out and walked. On the other hand, she knew me well enough to know that if she had, I would have locked it up and walked with her. And the car would have sat there until she relented enough to go get it, since I was stubborn enough I would have taken a bus or walked to get where I needed to go.

And that, I think, is something often overlooked when someone is asking how to be Dominant, how to dominate someone.

Which one of us was behind the steering wheel didn't and doesn't matter in the slightest to my method of Dominance. Except for that one instance, with Love, whenever both of us were in the vehicle, I drove. With my sweet little spice of my twilight, she always drives while I ride shotgun (or in the back when I make her wear the cute little chauffer's outfit) and tell her where to go.

Any road, back to the question at hand. You are a switch that, I'm guessing from what you've written, tend to prefer the submissive role. "Only becoming Dominant when I've been triggered."

Well, that makes sense to me. As I say, I'm not a switch myself. But, as an innocent bystander (or at least I try to be), it has seemed to me that is what makes switches switch. Something flips the switch.

So, I guess my question would be if there is somewhere you've been wanting to steer this ride you are taking that your partner hasn't gone towards. And if you can steer the vehicle that direction on your mad capped, whirlwind, twenty-four-hour adventure Ms. Toad, without waiting for direction from Rat, Mole, Angus MacBadger, Cyril Proudbottom, or Winkie

I'm (rather obviously) not a woman any more than a switch. But, even if I was, I wouldn't be you. Nor am I in your particular relationship. So, I can't really in good conscience give you any more specific advice.

And would you really want me to tell you something like "have her cam you with nipple-clamps affixed, a vibrating butt plug fitted, a piston-driven dildo in her pussy, a pair of hitachi wands bound to each thigh pinching her clitoris between them, and a pair of oscillating fans with floggers affixed to the blades and set at the point that they will lash her from either side, before doing a self-tie with treated jute?" (And, of course, she is not allowed to stop, even for a moment, until she either safe-words or you tell her she can.)

I mean, is your relationship even sexual? Or non-sexual in nature? Does the Dominance and submission you extend to each other involve the bedroom and shut off when the bedroom door opens, or does it go everywhere but the bedroom?

Your mind and your relationship are the only limits as to what you might or might not do during your twenty-four hours, what you desire that doesn't tromp on her (hopefully clearly defined and understood) limits.

You are behind the wheel. Pick a destination and follow the Wind in the Willows.

Just keep in mind, if you break her, you won't get to play with her later.

BratSubSwitch​(switch female) • Feb 6, 2021

Spell check okay. I don't proof read what I'm writing.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 6, 2021

You can't be something you're jot and to be coerced to do so from a long distance partner seems nothing more than role play which is for ppl the dabble in the lifestyle to get their kicks. Doing what we can to please our partners is reasonable within reason, but once you try to change yourself for said reasons then you stop being reasonable

dollMaker​(dom male) • Feb 6, 2021

Not a question of spell checking, but correct use of the word

Dominant one who dominates

Dominates the action/activity of dominating, domination

Its a thing in the kink world, among many, that being taken seriously flys out the window when that basic fact, correct use of the word isn't known, many judge, and harshly, so the corrections above were well meant, I think, hope.



Got to say that your gf is being extremely unreasonable, unrealistic and very unfair to you. One can't simply snap fingers and do what she wants, just like that. Firstly being a dominant is so much more than being dominant, its about skill, knowledge, responsibility, safety, the things that go into creating the magic, the art. Having that magic spark has to be carefully, seriously, grown, to harness the fire and make it art, not a burning, uncontrollable conflagration.

BDSM is very, very dangerous, its playing with fire, even the most simple things are dangerous, from recoverable injury, to life changing, even death. No one should just leap in, without learning the skills, how to use them safely and also how they want to use them, how those activities fit in with who that person is and can be as a dominant, top, or kinkster/fetishist. It takes time to do this, not 24 hours. My advice is say no to leaping in and doing stuff of the cuff, but maybe yes, over time, and together, learning these skills and cultivating the dominant side of your kinkiness, if its there. It may not be, or it may be that you are more a top, than a dominant, but in the case of topping, the knowledge and skill is still needed and again not something anyone should just jump into doing. It will take time, patience and seriousness to learn and acquire the knowledge and skill you need to do what has been asked.

If it wasn't for the Covid situation I would say you and your gf go to suitable classes together and begin the process of learning what's required to dominate or top safely. However in the Covid world you will have to learn via online resources, out of books and video conferencing classes to start with. My advice start simple, no advanced techniques until you master, get competent with the foundational elements.

I wish you the very best, but please keep in mind its ok to say no to your gf, you are allowed boundaries and limits and explain why you can't do what she is demanding.

MrFulmen • Feb 6, 2021

It sounds to me like you've been given a hard challenge. Perhaps you could tell your partner you need some support to make it a success.

You could ask for a couple of conversations--before the big day--where you take the dominant seat for negotiations, flirting and building anticipation. Time that you could use to explore possibilities, have her tell you about her submissive fantasies and desires and fears, and ease into a dominant role with her instead of being expected to flip a switch and immediately start actively dominating her.

BratSubSwitch​(switch female) • Feb 7, 2021

As a switch there are points in time where I do show my dominance but again it's because I was triggered. Being put on the spot is different. My head space is based on my environment.