Who's In Charge Here?

Who's In Charge Here?

acquiesced​(sub male) • Apr 10, 2021

Now that I have your attention, a serious question. One that upon reflection has been difficult for me to wrap my head around over the decades. If a submissive says "I like to be spanked", or a dominant says "what do you like", who's really calling the shots? Or is this just one pie slice of the BDSM dynamic, like "you do my kink and I'll do yours, if we both agree."

Sometimes I feel like the labels we give ourselves may not be the best gauge for compatibility.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 10, 2021

Interesting point of view. Back when I was active it was a combination of both. I love getting paddled, flogged, etc and to find a dominant or even a sadist that gets off doing me until I surrender and, unbeknownst to them temporarily-- pledge to be a good girl. (again there walketh on the Earth no Brat Tamer able to truly tame me) For me I got what I craved as did he. But control is with the one weilding the punishment tools. The only "control" I had was if the limits of my pain-as-pleasure are reached and it's time to stop.

I may be missing your point, it might be more nuanced than I see, but I don't control the scene just by wanting to be paddled or whatever, he just does it because he knows I'm into it.

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Also, do take into account I'm only a sexual masochist, not a "real, full time sub"-- I don't do chores or shine shoes, but I do polish "doorknobs", so my reply might not be quite what you're looking for, but it's my not-unique-but-not-common take from where I play.

NaughtyMinxxx​(sub female) • Apr 10, 2021

I hope I’m reading your question correctly and this is only my opinion, but I would answer, that you both are, although the amount or weight changes with circumstances.

I would say that during negotiations when you are both creating the skeleton of your dynamic is the time for dual shot calling. Here, you are both letting each other know what you like, why, your limits, what you’d like to try etc. The balance at this point is equal, in my eyes, as you are both taking the responsibility in structuring the dynamic you BOTH want.

Then, when the time is right, the Dom takes this knowledge, with the sub’s consent and calls all the shots during scenes or in a TPE situation all the time.

As the dynamic progresses, the need for calling shots may change. During an impact scene, for example, it could be said, that it’s the subs’ responsibility (not in a topping from the bottom way) to call some of the shots as it pertains to safe-wording and letting the Dom know what’s up. This builds trust - the Dominant knows the submissive will protect both of them and the sub feels safe and respected that they are heard in their dynamic.

However, during the long run, the Doninant should, using what they have learned about their submissive be calling MOST of the shots. When the sub feels their needs and safety is honoured by the Dom, that is where, I feel, the Dom is given reign for all shot calling.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 10, 2021

@naughtyminxxx: You answered better than I did.

For a top to outright call all the shots isn't a relationship, it's more like imprisonment. There has to be input, discussion of limits and all that from both.

In the actual "activity" the top is in charge, but within agreed-upon parameters I'd say. It's the "human" thing to do. Also, otherwise it's no fun.

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Now, a bit off the official topic, but also in the mix is trust.

--Once tied up, I'm completely defenseless and I have to trust the "dom" isn't actually a freak who would beat me to death and dump me somewhere.

(One can reduce the possibility of that by getting to know your partner before playing but some of the more accomplished psychos can breeze through that with ease.)

-On the other hand, especially nowadays, a dominant has to trust that the sub isn't a head case who would run to the cops and claim she (or he but less likely from what I have seen) was abducted, beaten and raped. Yes "consent" could be put in as a defense but we all know that, due to the actions of certified shit-bags, it can be countered by "I said 'No! Stop!' and he kept boning me!"

Unless the exchange is on video (something I do not mind but others avoid like un-flushed crappers.)

[And defense or not, have fun showing what amounts to an amateur porn video to heavyset cops munching on doughnuts]

$0.02

Rivermxl • Apr 10, 2021

I already used most of my typing energy on a blog post and a few replies but I think I can summarize my view on this.

Both Minx and Miki have wonderful dexterity to express and project their views for us to contemplate, and you should read their wisdom carefuly.

As I see it, the submissive always calls the shots; for example, in the moment that a TPE comes into effect, provided that it really is permanent and lasts until one of the two parts leaves this world, the submissive has made one huge final call: "You take it from here". And most likely, it will be the sub the one who will terminate the agreement, should it not work as intended or cease to be productive or consensual. Doms provide, yeah; we all choose what we can and like to provide but that can never happen without someone agreeing to be provided such goods. No matter how strong the dominant or how intense the dominance. The power play theory behind BDSM dynamics is a wonder, so many lines are drawn and none of them are straight lines (except for hard limits, don't look at me like that). So while I'm pretty sure of what I'm saying, you'll find there's no real answer as to "who calls the shots?"

I like to think I do, though, gets me off.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 10, 2021

The dynamic is meant to serve both sides of the slash. Even if your desire is to be entirely at the mercy and input of your D type, you still have to state that.
A destructive practice among s types is to expect a D type to simply understand what they want from the start. I can see the romantic element of someone just sweeping you up and doing everything correctly, but that is not realistic and logistically ends up bordering on sexual exploitation. If you are not talking, how are you actually getting consent??
Equally difficult is the practice of wanting the D type to make all the decisions because you, as the s type, are actually afraid of asking for the ‘wrong’ thing, and being judged. In this case, where is the trust that is so important in a kink dynamic? Is it in any way healthy to operate with such a level of belief that your D type does not see your preferences as valid?
As per the wheel of consent (and common logic), it is very possible to take at the same time that you are giving. What separates the D from the s is not just who is choosing, but what is being done. Both sides of the slash need to give, take, receive, and allow in some way.

Dragonlove​(sub female) • Apr 10, 2021

I agree with the ladies and River about this but I feel like you are secondarily asking if we are limiting ourselves as well with labels.

You need to see if there is any compatibility. Will you really be happy, long term, if your dom/domme isn't into one of your major kinks? What if your label of a kink doesn't match what they have in their head. Some things are simple to label "like to be spanked" example you used. Pretty easy right? Or is it? Spank could be anything from a simple palm slap lightly all the way up to the point of serious damage.

Labels aren't really limiting so much as lack of communication in general. Seems the best think to do is just be as open as possible while connecting.

Who’s in Charge

SinMaster • Apr 11, 2021

I would have to say that is why chat is used in this lifestyle.
Most subs while looking for a dom put in the profile that they want to take time and get to know each other.
This is the place to learn about each of you and your likes and dislikes and things that can go deeper in your chat as needed.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 11, 2021

One note for Rivermxl. Pretty well on point, but it is not overwhelmingly the sub who ends an arrangement. I have seen a fair number of Dominants who shit-can their subs for a variety reasons from just getting bored with the same ol'-same-ol' to perhaps a sub getting too feisty, or like me, too much of a brat, a sub packing on unwanted pounds, or somewhat related to Reason #1 but not quite, a dominant who simply outgrew the dynamic and wanted to "trade up" Things might still be going
"good", but why settle for "good" when that next, busty bombshell is in plain sight?

But most of all, unfortunately like a lot of modern relationships of all shapes, sizes and genders, "commitments" are now more like "contracts" with an expiration date.

MrFulmen • Apr 11, 2021

In a big way, the person who's in charge in any consensual relationship is whoever has their hand on the brake.

Consent means that things only proceed if everybody involved wants to move forward, right? So the position of driving for more, sooner, more often, harder, deeper is the weaker position. And the position of "Talk me into it," is the stronger position.

When we talk about power exchange folks often assume that it's the dominating partner who's driving forward and their submissive holding the break, but it doesn't have to go that way. If you have a dynamic where the submitting partner is saying "Please spank me," and their dominant is saying "Maybe if you're good," that creates a foundation for the D to be pretty firmly in charge.

So in that way sharing your desires with someone you submit to can be a way to add depth and power to the dynamic. It comes down to the intent, I think. Is it a list of demands or a script you expect them to follow? Or is it handing them leverage that they can use to get you begging to serve them?

(And like Miki illustrated, I think it's always worth reminding that not everyone who says "I like to be spanked," is interested in submitting. Lots of people just want to be spanked!)