How to

How to

enigmatic • Apr 19, 2021

Communicate, communicate, and communicate.
I read these wise words from experienced Doms and subs. And I guess we all think we communicate well but sometimes the other just doesn't get the intended thought.
We recently started the dynamic after letting it slip away and now we are not on the same page or have all the same kinks.
We did talk in depth about limits, soft and hard and as it becomes more and more apparent that he wants a slave, something I am not, it's not going so well for me.

When we're in the scene, I suffer some things that are humiliating because it's not a safe word/safety situation. I want him to be happy and get off. After, I am not comfortable saying anything, because I have tried to explain things before and I don't want to complain or critique things. However, I feel kind of a fear, and just dont want another scene.

Doms, please tell me how to say what I need to say.

Rivermxl • Apr 19, 2021

Hello, Enigmatic.

So you know what to say but not how. I can understand it is hard but it is not complicated. You said you two spoke in depth about limits, were you clear on yours? If so, there shouldn't be a problem in which you're being degraded beyond your limit. Comunication is worthless if no one does anything about it, you need to make your limits clear again, and then enforce them; even if it is at the cost of ending the scene or his pleasure. You need to be firm or this can only get worse.

Take care, and best of luck.

- River

Re: How to

FullCanadian​(switch male){MissB} • Apr 19, 2021

Please say NO. And then after you say that, have a serious talk. That is DEFINITELY a safeword situation. This is why there isn't just one safeword that means stop everything.

Here is a common "stoplight" list plus one;

RED: Play stops immediately, all bindings undone, back of and do not talk or touch sub until they initiate communication.

YELLOW: Slow down. Don't stop, but I'm uncomfortable and you should back off of what you're doing. (THIS IS THE ONE YOU REALLY NEED)

GREEN: I'm loving what you're doing now, keep going!

ECHO/GREY/BING: All is OK, but I'd like to say something important or check in and see how you're feeling. Please talk to me.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2021

It is also possible that this is not a safe word situation at all.
It could simply be a matter of clashing kink.

You want to be a little or babygirl and he wants a hard slave to degrade and rough up. (Not saying these are your wants, just an example).
In this case, degradation may not actually be something you are against, you may even enjoy it in the right context; but he is not giving you that context and the way he comes at you is not putting you in the right frame of mind.

There really is no special way to convey this to him. You just need to tell him what you want and if he pushes back out ignores your requests, it may be time to admit that you are not a good fit in the kink sense.
It happens.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 20, 2021

Have you thought of showing him this thread? You have expressed yourself here.
sometimes writing what we want or need is easier (for some, not all)

there is nothing wrong with talking over old ground..or what we assume is old ground.
When negotiating kink its hard to cover every single trigger good, bad or intermediate. There will always be things that are not as you thought.
Some times BDSM is like dance and we often need to step backwards. (sorry for the corny analogy but it works)
That backwards step isn't failure, its still movement, its still progression. Stop seeing it as failure.
NEVER be afraid to readdress what you've already talked about. Every time you "dance" it will be different, accept that and you'll do much better.
If you feel you cant re talk about issue then...I hate to say it but maybe you need to turn off the music for awhile, until your ready to do that dance again. The important thing is you want to "dance" again.
for BDSM to work for you both and for you both to dance to the same tune...you need to keep returning and re tuning the discussion on how it will all work.

just be honest with him. Trust in the process.
if your fear is stopping the want to scene again....then it needs to be addressed. At this stage what is there to loose? if you already feel you cant go on.
JUST TALK TO HIM.

enigmatic • Apr 20, 2021

I told him from the start that humiliation is a hard limit. He said no problem, because he's not into that.

We just don't agree on what that means.

A mild example is crawling on the floor.
He says, and I believe him, that nothing he does is meant to humiliate me and its becoming clear that he thinks that settles it.

Humiliation is subjective and I am the one to identify my feelings.
I understand that for many, bdsm naturally involves humiliation and that is hot for many people. For me, a little goes a long way.

This is becoming more interesting for him and I guess since he doesn't understand what it is or how it feels, it's like he's often pushing those limits.

Thank you for helping me and easing my mind that I can say yellow when I need to

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 20, 2021

Communication in general... It'll never be perfect except the bare-ass obvious.

Sometimes thoughts get altered a bit in the "wires" from brain to mouth as in semantics, and other times the wiring between the ears to the brain of the recipient are a bit scrambled, and of course there's the all-too-human "detour" where that which one does not want to hear gets diverted to the brain's dust bin while conversely, ear candy gets the Express route to the fore of the mind.

That is why, when it comes to safe words and all that shit, you almost have to use baby talk. Make it so obvious a cave man could understand.

(winks and a nod to the old Geico ad campaign)

* * * * *

I skimmed the thread so if I am off point, sorry. It's just my overall experience with human communication as a whole.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 20, 2021

Are you open to helping him find a slave? Even if you're monogomous it may be possible for him to have a nonsexual slave

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 20, 2021

Non-sexual slave??? Bite your tongue.. What would be the point?

I know, I know, they're out there, but to find one of them for this character is a mighty tall order.

For me it would be like being taken to a fancy restaurant but only being interested in a slice of crappy toast with a glass of water.

But That's Just Me.....

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 20, 2021

This made me snort out loud. So loud i scared the cat! But I think your spot on Mikki!
you really, really need to go at it all and over simplify EVERYTHING, over and over again and then when you think your done, start again.


For the OP it cant be said enough there is NOTHING wrong with having limits and expecting those limit to be met. There is also nothing wrong with voicing those limits over and over again until they are understood. You are putting your mental health and well being into his hands, he owes you the right to listen and try to comprehend your meanings of the words.