I want to talk about Ghosting

I want to talk about Ghosting

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 26, 2021

I figured this would make a better forum question, than a blog. I want conversation, debate, and hopefully insight for those who have been in this situation of "ghosting" or being "ghosted". Heck, maybe throw some catfishing in their (though I think some people are misinformed about what that is... so maybe not).

My statement on Ghosting is:
Why the big deal? So you get ghosted by someone you thought you knew so much about. Therein lies my concern. Life is a really long time people. To think you know anything about someone after even a few months of talking online is crazy. What causes you to fall so hard for someone so quickly? That when they dissapear, your life is derailed, or your only ability to compose yourself if to rage about it to other people you barely know?

I too would be sad if something I thought was happening, didn't happen. Or someone just dissapeared (or one day being told without discussion that you moving across the country was futile because you are now getting kicked out with no where to go and no employment, because you gave it up to move). The point is, it is a few months of the rest of your life. Sometimes less than that, less severe than understandable circumstances to be angry (like the example above) yet you think you knew this person and that makes you incapable of moving on, or taking it so personally that it affects your next relationships... after a month or two... of your entire life.

I suppose that is where I am coming from. No disrespect, though it may seem harsh. I truly want to develop this mindset that you have. Your reasons for holding your time invested as so much of your collective life and life yet to happen. Thabk you in advance for wanting to discuss

L a r s​(dom male) • Apr 26, 2021

A few months compare to what?

There was a time when the average lifespan of a human wasn't much longer than 40 years. Many of our ancestors bonded quickly, married, raised offspring, then croaked.

Our brain is more wired for that survival-mode approach than it is for modern ones. Society changes exponentially faster than physiology.

My point basically being, the long process of dating and courting, then engagement then marriage or what have you (which I think is a good system btw) is not because you would be unable to bond with the other person. There are happy and fulfilled arranged marriages all across the world that disprove this. It's to protect you from regret, or getting burned.

Ghosting is also just a shitty thing to do.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 26, 2021

@OraclePollon (quote truncated, everyone has already seen your post)

"My statement on Ghosting is:
Why the big deal? ..."


So, "ghosting" is okay for you?

Well, you are entitled to your opinion, and as I am entitled to mine.

Any friendship or romantic relationship, regardless of how long or short in duration, commands at least a modicum of respect unless the relationship is a toxic one, with the "ghostee" being one who refuses to take "no" for an answer or becomes abusive in conversations written or otherwise.

Ghosting is the act of an immature, shallow coward who lacks the spine to contact the person with whom they want to break up and say so. They're afraid of the reaction. they fear the reality that the other will be hurt. It's just so much easier to disappear and pretend the other never existed and doesn't mean a fucking thing to them.

Another product of the online world we have built for ourselves... No accountability.

Social media has become a college course on how to devalue fellow human beings.

People are now nothing but disembodied names and faces on a computer or phone screen.

Disposable like el-cheapo shoes from the nearest "department store".

what a shame.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 26, 2021

I see! So you define ghosting as already being in a relationship and then dissapearing.

Yeah, I can absolutely see that as a shit move.

Is this, an established relationship, or just someone thinking they might be after say a month or two of communication. Is there a line from "dating" to relationship, or is ghosting wrong in both of those situations?

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 26, 2021

I agree. So if this long process is for preventative measures, then why are you feeling burned or regret when you get ghosted? Doesn't that just mean the system is working?

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 26, 2021

Miki has made some honest statements. ( I would never expect less from you Miki )
The one I'd like to point out is this - " Another product of the online world we have build for ourselves. . . no accountability. "

Key word WE

WE can't control what anyone else does but the we factor should be considered. Collaboration was an after thought as the planet was rushed into territory unknown. The rules of engagement, conduct and even basic grammar has been restructured for communicating on the net. WE are still figuring out all this. Heck ! WE are still figuring out how to live in peace without watering down someone else's value.

Those things that disappoint us about the lack of accountability on the internet are the very things that we often do not address in real life. I see a reflection. Even projection at times. When the WWW took by storm I was hoping it would pass. Many things have in history. It seems technology has become an appendage .

What's the big deal?
People are real that's the deal. Fantastical individuals with unique qualities. ( love'm or not)

Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.

It would be a dull world if feelings were obsolete. And an even more cruel one if actions were taken with no consideration on the impact on others.

So much more to discuss on this . . . .

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 26, 2021

hahaha The System Is Working? Really? What is so hard about telling someone that it was nice meeting them but you don't really have anything else to say?

The system is working for spineless cowards who regard other human beings as disposable as condoms after they get all they wanted.

Ghosting very much includes when the person you (RHET) disappear on writes, texts, or even calls asking what happened, what they did wrong and the response is crickets.

Grow a fucking backbone and tell them you simply don't want to talk any more. Is that so much to ask? For some 2-legged squids, I suppose it is.

As for the other posts, though I did write "relationships" I have to add that even the most casual of acquaintences with whom one has a few light conversations with deserve a "Thanks I'm done here."

This does not apply to two or more people who stop talking. Then it's a "ships passing in the night" kind of thing.

I refer specifically to cases where one party asks what happened and the coward who ghosts says nothing.

If after one responds and says they're done talking for whatever reason, the other persists, of course one can feel free to ignore them from then on out and it is not "ghosting". Continuing to contact the disinterested party after being told "Bye bye" becomes a form of harassment.

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The system.... Sure the "system" is working. So does another system that allows a criminal to walk out of court scot free due to a technicality, free to wreak havoc on more victims.

Not all "systems" are good for humanity.

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I never felt burned or hurt the one or two times I was ghosted. All I felt was pity for the person who couldn't face me, even electronically, to say they didn't want to talk to me any more.

They're nothing but pathetic, bankrupt souls, not because they don't want to even bother to say "See ya round." to just me, rather, they're pitiful because of the part of them that cannot treat people as fellow human beings and show the VERY basic respect to which all people have a right to expect.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 26, 2021

[quote="Miki"][quote="OraclePollon"]

I think you misunderstood the "System" it is not mean to protect the perpretrator... Reread and see that it is to protect the affected. The one who could be burned or hurt. To prevent them being that. Since you have never been that, I can see why you would automatically think this was in defense of the "Ghost-er" why would you get burned or hurt, if the whole purpose of the length of time committed, was to prevent hurt or burned? Specifically in response to what was said. Not generically.

But this bring up the same point. Those who are getting hurt/burned are the only ones affected, so why be affected, when it is only detrimental to personal well being and in extreme cases, entitlement.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 26, 2021

Quote Oraclepollon " Those who are getting hurt/burned are the only ones affected, so why be affected, when it is only detrimental to personal well being and in extreme cases, entitlement."

Why be affected?
Why are any of us affected by someone's behavior?
Resiliency isn't a personality trait it is a learned skill. It circles back to self awareness and all that good stuff. My mind backs up to say that resiliency can be disguised as stoicism ( on the outside). Stoicism being a discussion I've not seen on this site...yet.

Defender​(dom male) • Apr 26, 2021

It can hurt to be ghosted, but ultimately we have little control over the behaviour of others.

So it is better to keep the focus on our own behaviour.

Just because other people play in the sewer, it doesn't mean we have to join them.


My take?

Enjoy the roses, forget the turds.