Has anyone experienced this?

Has anyone experienced this?

BunnyBelle • May 17, 2021

Living and loving this lifestyles for years now, I have come across many people. There have been few with open minds to learn and listen about this lifestyle. However there have been many who immediately judge this lifestyle, with out ever trying to remotely understand. I have curious of other people who live this lifestyle, on your opinions... why do people judge this lifestyle? Why do they not try to open their minds to even listen to how it can be? I appreciate any response or opinions..

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • May 18, 2021

I think that it is just how some ppl are naturally, as sad as that is. For example when ppl mention others being closed mind ( meaning not even willing to listen , really listen and hear). I think about all the places I have seen and ppl I have met on my journey of life . And how some people I have met have never left the county that they were born in , the place their parents, their grandparents and their great grandparents were born lived and died. Oh wait I take that back they have but only to go on vacation for a week and always go to the small place year after year.
So when they met some that is different ( views on life, beliefs , or whatever ) they dont understand. Their way must be right they and everyone that they know have been doing things this way for generations.

And the same goes for when for example I was I college one of my best friends was a exchange student from Egypt. Now I was going to college outside of D.C. ( so her being there was really not odd or anything) but I was always asking questions about life there and her faith . She was very patient with me when I didnt understand something.
Fast forward 4 years I had moved to salt lake city but. And being not of the majority faith there and not knowing much about it I asked questions. But at the same time I lost ppl I had hoped to become friends with because they didnt see how I couldn't understand that what the were saying was the right thing.

I might also add that even within this life . Ppl can be the same way. I am ( for i) willing to agree to disagree on anything . As long as the chat is honest and polite.
Their are ppl here on the cage that dont see things the way I do at all , and the same goes for me seeing things their way. Yet there is a mutual respect towards each other.

So it not just what we call the vanilla world vs the kink world. ( oh I might add that you actually cant have one without the other IMO)
But everywhere ppl arent willing to REALLY talk and REALLY listen.

Sorry this is long and I think the train jumped is track .

Miki • May 18, 2021

It goes against the grain of how they were raised. In fact, there are those who still cringe at the thought of LGBTs.

Without digging in too deep and ruffling anyone's feathers, I read that, decades ago, there were terms such as "The Gay Lifestyle" and "Lesbianism" and nothing kind was said that was kind about trans people. But the point is, the word "lifestyle" is no longer tolerated by the LGBT community because it implies they choose to be LGBT. No, that is who we are.


Here, that term is embraced.

Zhivago • May 18, 2021

The ones I've met have had a lot of assumptions. Ignorance (lack of knowledge). Kind of like women who get all offended that I like to go to strip clubs. The ones who were open minded enough to follow their curiosity and come with me....their first comment was "wow, I had no idea how nice it is in here".

Solace​(dom male) • May 18, 2021

I would propose another perspective. I hope it rings clear and true and wish for listeners to hear it understanding I do not judge or think ill of either side.

We as members of this community and lifestyle, are being unfair to them, the vanillas as we call them. As Miki, a member here longer than myself, pointed out vanillas are not often raised to embrace this. Quite the opposite in fact, their world view be it religious or else wise may explicitly forbid it. A single brief contact/conversation cannot hope to wear holes in that wall.

While it may seem unfair for them to not accept us, it may actually be unfair for us to expect them to accept us so suddenly. Much like some experienced Doms acquaint ladies to new concepts of enjoyment, some members of the world may need to eased into the idea of what we do. They need time to learn it's okay.

A sickening metaphor might be if we were a forum of murderers (which we know ourselves not to be) and then hoped for members of the world to willingly expose themselves to our ideas and even embrace them. Too much of the world has convinced them to run the other way. In my experience too much of the world discourages anything but a vanilla lifestyle.

But as always these are my hollow ponderings. I hope they are thought provoking even if they ring false.

Sasa​(dom female) • May 18, 2021

I don't see a difference between Vanillas and people in the lifestyle. First half of my life is Vanilla, it is a part of me and my submissive. We here are all open minded, huu? People in the lifestyle are as judgemental as everyone else when they see kinks they can't accept. The person who is kinkier is often the previe. It is about people and humans, not about Vanilla versus lifestyle. We learn, we grow and we have prejudices as all the rest out there. We are not better because our needs are different to others. Assuming this could be called prejudice, by the way.

Slpnot​(switch male){Haven't be} • May 21, 2021

It's been my experience that closed-minded people are just that closed minded .
They are a special brand of people there is no convincing them or changing their mind and a colossal waste of time . I have dealt with many and have not been able to change their mind or look at it differently . When I figure out I'm dealing with that kind of person I ghost them .

purplevelvet​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2021

I can't root this in research and science, this is just my opinion. I think it's a cognitive breach. We simplify our surroundings to control our reality. We apply stereotypes so that we don't have to relate to the individual differences between us and everyone else. We generalize so that we can fit our world views into very narrow mindsets.

Cross the line in any way of how others understand their reality and you're the odd one out. Wear wrong colored shoes. Talk differently. Cut the meat the wrong way. The list goes on.

What's special about intimacy is shame. Shame has always been sexuality's ugly sibling, and at its core it's a very demeaning way of conducting social control on others. I wish it was a punishable offense.

We don't have to travel far back in time to understand how dystopian the view on different sexuality is. Back in 2013, the edition of the American Psychological Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) still considered sexual masochism a disorder. I would not be surprised to learn that well educated doctors and scientists still hold these beliefs. At some point in time they will be a dying breed, but as of now it feels like we're a long way away from oppression-free sexuality. That's why we gather at places like this, or only dare to be who we really are when the doors are locked and curtains are drawn.

Thanks for bringing this up, BunnyBelle. I think this is a really, really important topic to talk about.

Oneironaut L​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2021

My 2 cents,

It's the same reasons people are judgemental and non-understanding about almost anything. It might be that everything they have learned so far says it is a wrong behavior, so you asking them to accept it feels like you asking them to admit They have been wrong their whole life. Which is a pretty big ask, they might be willing to try if you are a close friend but otherwise?

Or it might be that they are part of some "In" group that doesn't accept your behavior (just as an example a very conservative religious group) and any in group has to contrast itself with an "out" group that it is against.

Basically it is very difficult for people to change what they see as a core piece of themselves (this applies to everyone about everything) and the people you've met who are judgemental just have core values that aren't compatible with "The Life". The only advantage us "open minded" people may have is that we see being open minded as one of our core values. But even then for most people being open minded only stretches slightly past what they themselves are comfortable with.

I guess my point in all that was try not to take it personally. The phrase "You can't please everyone" is actually completely accurate. If they don't agree with your life that sucks but at the end of the day they don't owe you acceptance. Likewise, you don't owe them conformity, so go be you.

-Oneironaut

reticent​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2021

Everyone has their preferences. If the thought of something arouses somebody they will generally do some digging and research on their own. If they're not interested they won't. I hate potatoes, if somebody tries to send me potato recipes I will shut them down immediately. I don't need to understand how "creamy/cheesy or delicious" it is. It doesn't fit my baseline. If somebody judges and isn't into BDSM, their preference should be respected just like ours should be, and their ignorant and uninformed opinions on the lifestyle should be dismissed as such. You can't make somebody enjoy what you enjoy sexually as much as you can't fix stupid.