Missing it

Missing it

KinkyChivette​(switch female) • Jun 6, 2021

I've been a submissive for a male in the past. I've been a Dimmer for a female too. I haven't much been a part of the lifestyle since I met my now husband.
Lately, I've been craving having a Dom and being collared. My husband isn't into it, and I struggle to talk to him about it. He's aware of my past and doesn't judge, just doesn't understand.
I miss having a Dom. So fucking much. Not necessarily the sexual side of it, (although I recently had someone grab my by the throat and call me a Good Girl for obeying an order.... Don't ask, I was drunk and it's a long story)
I miss the lifestyle. I crave the care. My husband doesn't understand what I need.
Help?

Rivermxl • Jun 6, 2021

Welcome to our community, Chivette. I'm sorry you're going through that, most of us have felt what it means to miss the lifestyle while not being able to engage like we would like within it.

With situations like yours, it often comes down to communication and choice. Provided he definitely won't engage with you as a Dom, you're left with either acceptance and living as is, or talking it over with your partner, expressing that you require these needs met (if such is the case). Many here are married and have dynamics with people other than their partner, with full disclosure and consent from all involved. Many just stick around here to feel involved and that's enough, it also depends on your desires.

This could be a very long text, but in principle it sort of translates to having the strength to accept that which you can't change, or the will to change that which you can, and adapt. There is a better way (probably).

Best of luck.

- River

L a r s​(dom male) • Jun 6, 2021

I don't mean to be unrealistic or get your hopes up, but I happen to be friends with a sub male, who over time introduced his wife to the idea of dominance. It took a while, and honestly he needed to get some things straightened out, but it IS possible for someone who doesn't currently embrace the lifestyle to see the appeal.

The above advice is excellent. I would just add to it, be patient. Good luck

Miki​(masochist female) • Jun 6, 2021

You're not the first individual I have seen in here who has had this happen.

Someone finds a partner not involved in kink and slides away from that activity only to have the need for it resurface, but alas, the partner they chose at the time is not into it.

This stuff not for everyone, and you're pretty much saddled with the same unattractive choices the ones before you (and quite likely after you) in here have to face.

Try and talk to the guy but be prepared, again, kink isn't for everyone and for some, the "twisted" (from the outside looking in) aspects of this stuff can be a turn-off.

So what to do?

If you love your husband, yet crave getting back into BDSM, you'll end up having to pick whichever is more important.

Not a barrel of monkeys there, considering taking a powder from the marriage will hurt more than you.

Or you can discuss it with him, see if he wants to give it a whirl, but from what I read in your opening post, it doesn't look like that's gonna fly. But I suppose "you never know until you try".

Or you can accept the choice you made when you got married and do without the collars and other trappings of BDSM.

None of these choices are really all that swift and I don't envy you.

--------------------------

Unfortunately, the best I can do is repeat what I've posted dozens of times in here (and IRL) pertaining to whichever choice you end up making. Consider the reality of the now-cliche phrase:

"It's No Good If You Gotta Force It"

IowaDom​(dom male) • Jun 6, 2021

IMHO there is a very large difference between being in a BDSM relationship and introducing BDSM into a pre existing relationship. But, that being said, you did say he is aware of the history you have with BDSM, so that in and of itself may be a doorway to at least discuss it. I would definitely be careful how I went about discussing it, most men (ok - assumption on my part) don't really want to hear specifics about former lovers.

Have you thought about playfully taking a yes / no / maybe quiz with him? Kind of a "I ffound this online ... I think it would be fun to take it together" thing. Normally, it would be taken separately then compared, but in this situation, taking it together, with discussion about what each activity is could be an opening to exploration. I am assuming he is vanilla by declaration, so if that is the case, I would suggest while taking it, you answer first, which would give him a safe place to be able to show interest if there is any.

there is a pretty decent list at https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/read/54154554/yes-no-maybe-a-kinky-list

If it turns out to be a dud, and he really has no interest, PLEASE tread carefully. I cannot speak for everybody of course, but I can say for myself, if my partner / wife / gf made of amove to introduce another man into our life together (that would be physically involved, regardless of the level, not to mention emotional) it would be a game ender for me. Not to mention the level a BDSM dynamic could affect YOU on as well. So at that point, you would need to make a decision, to continue with him as is, or risk detonating the entire thing.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 6, 2021

My wife revoked her consent for an open marriage every time it didn't work for her while riding me of how the lifestyle is ruining our marriage even though she was originally my slave. As I've see marriage is the worst thing for the lifestyle as it's been the worst thing for a lot of ppl outside of the lifestyle