One of those annoying, "eye-rolling" questions.

One of those annoying, "eye-rolling" questions.

acronymboy • Jul 14, 2021

The subject of this posting is exactly how I felt when the question (or thought, rather) came to my mind. So I'm imagining when you all read the question, you'll probably roll your eyes too.

But I figured there was no harm in posting it. So here it is ...

Is it possible to be submissive without being with someone to be submissive for?

Now, I'm not talking about having a submissive nature. That I'm okay with. It is already a part of my nature. (Lord knows, there are certain women in my extended family who may well have been Dominatrixes in a previous life. So I've had lots of practice.)

What I'm talking about is from an unattached, single standpoint. If with no one, then who exactly are we being submissive to? Doesn't the presence of a dominant seem like a prerequisite to submission?

On occasions, I will message with a dominant female who ... #1 is actually real and #2 - right away, does exactly what would be expected ... she begins to dominate and seeks to learns if the person she is talking to is #1 actually real themself and #2 - is actually submissive.

No disrespect meant here, but when a dominant person shows that they don't really have any clear dominating ability in communication, a submissive is made confused that much more.

I mean ... I'm not going to react to her the way I react to my domineering aunt!

So, back to the question ... Is it possible to be submissive without being with someone to be submissive for?

I kinda feel like I just confused myself further by posting this. Can anyone just give me the answer? I promise I will listen. LOL

Miki • Jul 14, 2021

Not an eye roll, as much as a question in the "Don't overthink things" category. Too philosophical for me.

You excluded the notion of "submissive nature" , so to un-tangle all the overthinking, I see it as the submissive nature is the root of being submissive, and without anyone present to submit to... That's all you really have. The nature. The propensity.. The potential.

This might be an oversimplification, but while one may enjoy all they know that goes into the art of baking, but can one call oneself a baker if they don't have any flour? If they do not have access to an oven?

At that point the whole thing takes on the attributes of a riddle. Great for a group to sit around the living room on a cold rainy October day, sipping apple cider, and discussing without end, but nothing concrete will come of it. It reminds me of another philosophical debate I heard while growing up, and it likely predates me. But I decided to root out the trees and install a more colorful mental image:

"If a bear farts in the woods, does it make a sound? (excluding the silent-and-deadly ones some people like to unload on crowded elevators.)

* * * * *

Just my thoughts, no offense or belittlement intended.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jul 14, 2021

"What I'm talking about is from an unattached, single standpoint. If with no one, then who exactly are we being submissive to? Doesn't the presence of a dominant seem like a prerequisite to submission?"

(I am submissive. It's in my wiring. It's how I relate to a partner without the bells and toys and bs. As I am attracted to him, I want, need, desire to follow his lead. To please him. That is why as a strong woman, I need a strong partner so that we complement each other. Him leading and Me following. I am submissive even if single. Meaning my nature to a potential partner is submissive, not overly compliant, door matish, or weak. I do not reveal my inner desires to vanilla people even if they ping my subside. I have to get to know them first. I also type 90 words a minute. I retain that ability even if not typing. We are the sum of many parts and not all parts should be put out there to the random population. It is also not OK to expose vanillas to your submissive or kink side.)

....................

"On occasions, I will message with a dominant female who ...

#1 is actually real and (You have no idea what is real. How would you know she is? Don't confuse authenticity with playing a role.)

#2 - right away, does exactly what would be expected ... she begins to dominate and (Which is highly inappropriate. What do you seek? Instant online, or phone games so you get off? Or do you seek a relationship. If the latter, do not let random unknown people wander around in your mind and toy with you. That isn't dominance. It's a parlor trick)

"..seeks to learn if the person she is talking to is #1 actually real themself and #2 - is actually submissive."" (No sweetie. She can no more tell that about you at hello than you can tell that about her. This isn't easy stuff. It's time-consuming and you have to dig deep. You have to learn yourself as much as you have to learn your partner. Again if it's kicks and giggles, cool, but that isn't dominance or submission. )

"No disrespect meant here, but when a dominant person shows that they don't really have any clear dominating ability in communication, a submissive is made confused that much more."

(I"m sorry to tell you that sub males have a rep for being overly wanting and needy. Not all, thank goodness, but many come here and are open to anyone who rolls up acting dominant. A strong woman will always appreciate a strong man, even when he is following her lead. And again, if you are that new, what do you know about what constitutes a dominant woman?)

"(Lord knows, there are certain women in my extended family who may well have been Dominatrixes in a previous life. So I've had lots of practice.)"

(I find the above comment disturbing. I don't know what you mean by all this, but if it was abusive get counseling for that. Not what this is supposed to be about. Otherwise, see below)

"I mean ... I'm not going to react to her the way I react to my domineering aunt!"

(NOT all people who are strong or controlling are dominant. Please read that again. Some folks are pushy and demanding when they have no right to be. Please be careful not to apply our terms and personalities to vanilla people. It will mess you up and confuse you. And it is unfair to them.)

(With all due respect, I doubt you have any real-world experience in this life and until you start meeting the people and socializing without the play and games, you probably will not learn much relevant to our realm.)

H*

acronymboy • Jul 14, 2021

Miki - I think you're right. I'm overthinking this. And while I do regret having posted this message at all, at this point, I'm not offended or belittled. Although I am a bit shocked that my message drew a comparison in your mind of a bear farting in the woods.

Subtle - You gave me a lot to think about, but mostly just the thought that I put a lot of unneeded information into this posting without fully explaining myself. With that as the case, it's logical that I would be misunderstood in meaning.

I get what you are saying. So ... yes, it is possible to be submissive on one's own.

But for clarification (as I have done a poor job of explaining):

When I used the word "real", I just literally meant real and nothing more. As in, a person on the other end of a conversation who is typing their replies to me - as opposed to auto-generated responses (or at least responses that seem auto-generated or fake).

No, I don't believe I will know who someone is or they will know me just from "hello". I didn't mean to suggest that someone could know someone else from "hello". As a matter of fact, I don't believe I suggested that at all. I am aware it takes time and effort.

Yes, I'm certain lots of sub males are overly-needy. If I was looking for a sub male, that would apply and it would be a good thing for me to keep in mind.

When I said that certain females in my family were probably Dominatrixes in a previous life, I was joking.

But this does explain your comment of: "NOT all people who are strong or controlling are dominant. Please read that again."

I am aware of this. But I never said my aunt was dominant. I said she was domineering.

I do thank you for taking the time to reply to this message. But I've learned a little something else ... perhaps I ought to keep my thoughts to myself.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Jul 14, 2021

For me, submission is given.
Surrendering to another.
Self-direction is not submission.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Jul 15, 2021

I am submissive by nature. That part of me does not go away in the absence of a dominant partner. However, I only submit in romantic relationships.
In all other aspects of my life, when I do not need to be in charge, and the situation calls for it, I acquiesce which can be confused with submission but is not the same.

Hoping this makes sense. Insomnia and all...

cherilynn​(sub female) • Jul 15, 2021

By the way, please don't keep your thoughts to yourself! I, personally, did not find your question of the "eye roll" variety. I have seen many submissive people pose the same question in the many years I have been on sites such as this one.

Something else to ponder. I have met many vanilla women who are naturally submissive and relate to the world in that way every day. They aren't weak nor are they door mats. They are just being themselves. Nothing wrong with that.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jul 16, 2021

"Yes, I'm certain lots of sub-males are overly needy. If I was looking for a sub male, that would apply and it would be a good thing for me to keep in mind."

(It is appropriate to keep it in mind if you are a sub male, which you indicated you were. It is also important to keep in mind when trusting strangers on the computer. Lots of male subs get taken advantage of by assuming the Domme on the other side is real.)

"When I said that certain females in my family were probably Dominatrixes in a previous life, I was joking." (Lots of people post real thoughts and toss LOL after it so we don't believe them "too much". Much truth is said in jest.)

"But this does explain your comment of: "NOT all people who are strong or controlling are dominant. Please read that again." "I am aware of this. But I never said my aunt was dominant. I said she was domineering. (Yes but before that, you used the term, Dominatrix) "I do thank you for taking the time to reply to this message. But I've learned a little something else ... perhaps I ought to keep my thoughts to myself."

(When you post to the general population it is your choice to be clear or withhold info. We can only respond to what you say. There is no point in being upset about it after the fact. I didn't take your question as an eye roll either, which is why I answered it. New people often see the world as sub or dom. it is common, so your comments were common as well. You can certainly keep your questions to yourself or you can phrase them better and be open to some responses being direct.)

(However, if you are going to respond to every post by saying that you already know what the person is saying, odds are you will not learn as much as you could by keeping an open mind. Again, your choice.)

H

Lustella​(sub female) • Jul 16, 2021

Don't listen to "SubtleHush"! They were harassing my forum earlier nitpicking at my choice of words. You have the right to express yourself however you want, and that includes how you phrase your freaking questions! If the person doesn't understand what you mean, they need to ask you to clarify, not immediately jump to their own troll-fueled conclusions about you. It honestly breaks my heart that someone would talk to you this way.

To answer your question though: I would personally think that it is very possible to be a submissive without actually being submissive for another person in the sense that one can still have very submissive tendencies in their daily life. I'm sure we all have different ideas of what some of those tendencies could be, but for the sake of argument, I'm going with the following examples:
- Being Polite, ESPECIALLY when you don't have to: I would imagine being a "good" submissive is one that is able to roll with the punches and obey when needed. Since you can't rely on anyone for commands or tasks, giving yourself the limitations of having to do things for others anyways may be a fun way of tricking yourself into good behavior if you normally lean towards bratty, or otherwise lazy.
- Secret Wardrobe: Reward yourself for putting in extra work by wearing something kinky under your usual attire. Panties? With kittens AND hearts? Go for it. A collar under your professional dress shirt? Eh, it's risky, but you've earned it~

You can probably go off from there, but I'd be happy to provide more examples if you like, if that's not already overboard, lol. Basically though, seeing as you're a solo-submissive, I would say it would make the most sense to treat some portion of your routine as if it were your master. "Nature" would be if you were always that way, I see practicing the lifestyle of a submissive or a dominant as ultimately exercising discipline and control.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Jul 16, 2021

Personally, I think Mikki is onto something here! I am sure she meant for this to be the focal point of her statement! Well you see, you have to really THINK about the Bear scenario ..... really take it to heart.

Then ask yourself - in the BDSM community = are you the Bear or the Fart? and if you are the fart .. are you an SBD? Do you just sneak up on peoples noses and scream SURPRISE! Or do you enter with volume so people know you are coming and can choose whether or not to allow you nasal penetration?

Now if you are the Bear - do you gain secret pleasure from dropping the ol SBD on unsuspecting fellow woodland creatures? Or do you "rumble em out" so that it sounds like a German Panzer is in the forest = proclaiming your flatulant superiority for all creatures to see?

<Sorry Mikki! I just HAD to do this one ... lol, I know ...I know>