Who is in Charge? Surely it’s the Dom…but is it

Sammy45​(sub female) • Aug 5, 2021

For me it’s very simple

There is no dominance without submission
And no submission without dominance

Master Raf​(dom male) • Aug 6, 2021

The sub is in charge, by giving the dom her submission, he gives him his power to influence her. Without that, he has nothing.

enigmatic • Aug 6, 2021

I agree, the foundation of the consensual dynamic begins with communication about expectations, roles, and limit setting. It's a cooperative effort that can work when both people have done an inner search and are honest with their partner and find where their kinks line up. Respecting limits is essential for trust.

This is my ideal dynamic, though I don't have that with my partner.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 8, 2021

Did you give me a choice there or make a demand?

You also failed to address anything specific, state with what or why (eg: If you're confused point out where. etc). You whine about whining. You ramble about ramblings. Refusing to even make any genuine attempt to try and be understanding. It's hypocritical. At least I can present reasons beyond a hand wave and just saying I'm in the right. What do you do? If I sound harsh right now, I am. But think.

As for the lack of the name, in all honesty I just don't know how to add names to quotes. I tend to type the command itself. eg: [quote]. And it's not just with you. I do understand this is an inconvenience.

EagerToPleaseYou​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Aug 12, 2021

In my experience, the Dom is in charge as he leads the dynamic. I can say yes or no but I can't initiate time together or make him do something that he does not want to do.

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Aug 12, 2021

I think we both have power, we both set boundaries and expectations. Its hard to describe in my experience because it really depends. In the beginning of the relationship, I'm less vocal about what I want and far more reserved. Then its far more traditional with them guiding and leading and coaxing. When I get more comfortable, I get more vocal and in my experience me being vocal about what I want has gone over well, I'm allowed to be a bit demanding and assertive. Generally though, I mostly initiate and they take control of what we do. The roles are still very clear in all this though, even when I'm vocal and demanding.

Samsea​(dom male) • Sep 4, 2021

Thanks for all the interest....

My final thoughts...

There is no greater compliment from a new submissive, or any submissive come to that than the first time she kneels for you without you demanding or telling her to. Everything else that follows on from that simple, but that very complex act has to start somewhere and the act of willingly kneeling before you... is the start of it all, it is true submission.

It's a bit like my pet hate, 'it happens to guys as well' it's when they demand from the very first message to be called Sir, or Master.. dickhead would be a my chosen title for them.
Just because you call yourself a Dom does not mnean that you are the 'superior being' far from it.
The submissive has all the control right up until she offers her submission as a gift, and it's a rare gift, true submission is given by choice, not demanded.

How come you might ask... think about it for one moment. In the Dom/Sub relationship, nothing, absolutely nothing happens until the submissive says so, there is no messaging, no first meeting, no submission, nothing unless she wants it to happen, and it has to be freely without any threats or coercion.

Stay safe at this very difficult time in all our lives
Sam

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Sep 4, 2021

It takes time to build trust, friendship, etc, but only the Dom that has what it takes, inherently, to have Power over my own and has a vision that aligns, has my submission. We both have choice, we both give in our exchange. He has the power and the control. This takes time.

kittytamer​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2021

I have been what I am, for as long as I have been.... I did not know terms or complex structure.
I have learned that I am only in control of what is surrendered to me. There is no taking control of anything else. No without violation of human rights.
I'm 50 yo in a couple of weeks. At 23, I a fantastic creature of a 21 woman presented herself to me. I was so shocked by her perfection, I ignored her. She in turn was so shocked, she found herself giving over her only possession that others sought to covet. The only thing that she ever used as a weapon, the only power she ever understood... Her valueless beauty was mine. There were lots of pain games, because she always wanted to know, that I would overlook the physical, infact she despised her own beauty. Because of the power it afforded her. She harboured a deep resentment towards men for wanting the her they could look at. Everyday bringing me home a new stack of phone numbers. And 3 to 5 times the average tips.
Even I suffered her wrath if I showed softness or weakness to her small frame and beauty.
In the end.... It was my love and compassion for her that ultimately caused our end.
A true masochist was born. A true dominant destroyed.
Without her submission, you dear masculine dominant ego.... Are nothing but the next victim of your own desires. The only power you are afforded, is that which your sub gives you. Aside from that, you are not going to grab a unwilling party and tie her, or beat her, or fuck her.... Without going to prison, which is what you deserve for harming unwilling parties.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 7, 2021

Time isn't the deciding factor.

Honesty and straight answers is.

Brings in other factors. But it's the starting block. The sooner you clear up assumptions and ignorance the faster you can move on to better things with less concerns.

I for one get it over with. Instead of letting things linger unresolved. I take control of that. And doms dig it. Those that ask questions and find answers at least.

Then it's smooth sailing. sometimes jsut smooth sailing right away without having to talk at all. Show no fear, lead by that example. You need to really have your issues addressed to pull that off properly.

If someone else worries, need to control the situation. Some don't. Many will. That's just realistic. Normally the sub will have the "shy" or "not sure/doubt" issues. But not always.

And seriously, can we please stop making blank carpet statements about which side is better/worse? It's going to depend on the person. And what the situation is. Control and power can be abused. And it can given too blindly before being aware.