Best Advice

Best Advice

Cressida Clytie​(masochist female){Taken} • Aug 9, 2021

Share to this forum the BEST piece of advice you've ever been given or learned in the BDSM lifestyle.

Let me share first:

When you are new in the sub/masochist lifestyle, don't obsess over finding a Dom right away. Focus on your awareness, passion and self-knowledge. Know yourself first, identify your needs and don't put that responsibility to others. Once you gained the confidence, you don't need to speak. Because, you can ATTRACT.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Aug 9, 2021

Learn yourself: Don't let others define or rush you. Put in the effort and figure out what matters most to you. Learn how to trust yourself and your gut.

Learn this life: Take responsibility for your own learning. No shortcuts. Avoid Fantasy and stick to the real information outside of profiles, blogs, and chat.

Go to real sources. Many people can write well and speak knowledgeably and still tell you all the wrong things. Or worse tell you what will give them the edge.

Learn Boundaries: Develop your own deal-breakers and must-haves. Refine what is important to you and stick to that. If you are talking to someone who hits a deal-breaker, then walk away. Don't be a pal, chat buddy, or FWB. You must value yourself.

Don't let someone deny you your voice until you know what you are agreeing to in that act. You matter you are important, you make a difference.

When evaluating a possible situation, remove the leather and kink and look at it or that person as you would in a vanilla setting. Then decide if this is a smart and safe thing for you. We aren't magical here. Ds or Ms isn't an excuse to do the wrong thing.

Isolation is a predatory tactic. Beware anyone who tries to make you trust and listen to only them. What would you tell a child about bad people? Tell yourself that here as well.

Banquo​(dom male){cassi} • Aug 9, 2021

Never assume anything, period.


No lengthy explanation necessary for this one. Until consent is given, or a contract is signed, respect your partner enough to have the adult discussions and talk about what you want.

K y i v • Aug 9, 2021

Trust YOUR Gut

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 9, 2021

I am definitely not in "the lifestyle" as they call it, so my blah is "general":

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The converse of what Subtle... wrote:

"Don't let others define you and don't define others, because each has their own perception and set of expectations as to what's hot and what's not, and one shoe seldom fits another's foot, even if the size on the bottom might look to be the same. That's not to say either is wrong. Just that one size does not fit all.

One ought not feel as though they "need" a relationship, whether by attraction or by seeking. Oftentimes "the right one" comes along when you least expect it, and definitely when you're not looking for them.

and don't be afraid to want and enjoy downtime and peaceful solitude. Speaking only for myself, I have never been happier than once I decided to skip relationships and focus on the joys of quiet, contemplative living. Reading a book, taking a walk in a nearby nature preserve, etc. The world does not revolve around people coupling up and of course as I learned in this past year it doesn't revolve (for me) on sexual pleasure.

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For whatever that's all worth, that's my 2 cents.

As always (as the TV advertisements often say of diet pills and such:)

"Individual Results May Vary."

CSI • Aug 9, 2021

What is meant for you will be there for you once you are ready. There is no rush.

I_am_the_Sea​(sub male){One Day} • Aug 10, 2021

Always wait 1 hour after you eat to go swimming...

Ummm...at least that's what my mom always told me. YOU GONNA TELL ME MY MOM'S A LIAR?!!??!
~I_am_the_Sea

VelvetGlove​(dom male) • Aug 10, 2021

There are no shortcuts when it comes to pursuing a vibrant and dynamic relationship with anyone, but especially in BDSM. Every relationship is unique.

yourbootsownme​(sub male) • Aug 10, 2021

Don't focus on terms, meanings, definitions. Every single person is different, and what something means to one person is probably very different than what it means to another. Get into the weeds, the deep details. Understand that there are no set rules or guidelines (outside of some accepted practices). Grasp your individuality and make sure the person you're talking to is a true match.

and of course...for the subs:

If you get an unsolicited message from someone asking "Are you ready to serve me and obey me in all things?" delete it.

lizh​(sub female) • Aug 10, 2021

The best device I got was from some kind of a Lion Dom in my blog. As new to THE CAGE i wrote a lot in my blog and in my profil. Now, I feel that is nothing I want to define me as today.My Lion Dom friend said that a true Dom will let you to trust them again, and again and again. They don't give up that, and I liked the device a lot.

I've read about red flags, different kind of. It's interesting what it is that make it click . I had talked to many and got hurt and I was just to write to THE CAGE asking them to permanently take away my blog, when a messaged come. "I just wants to give you a huge hug" he said. And for some reason was that what I needed after a young kid thought he could take over me exactly on just some minute. "Call me Master now. Get yourself a account where we will training in films togheter.." bla bla and He mailed me, I had to block him. "Those make it so hard when someone like me comes around" my new friend said. We started as friends. Went over to What's app. Since that day I wrote so much but he liked it. He struggling with own things. For a long time everything was good, I did my day-lie task . He was proud. My ankle started to get hurt. I couldn't run. Made me sad. He knew I'll be able to be strong . I'm still fighting. I'm so afraid loosing him.