Change, learning and changing

Change, learning and changing

Purple Freesia • Aug 19, 2021

Often a firm believer in the notion that people will only change when they realize that what they are currently thinking and doing is fundamentally wrong - wondering in this lifestyle and within the BDSM context is that a notion I should hold on to or give up?

ObsidianOx​(dom male) • Aug 19, 2021

Something you have to think, "is the situation you are currently in right for you?"

I personally had to leave well established lifestyle circle due to toxic nature that slowly grew in it, and just looked normal drama. but then someone gave me an outside perspective and it changed the way I view my relationships now.

So I would not say give up or just hold on, find out what takes the spark of joy form you and get a different perspective on your situation. This way you learn something for the future.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2021

Quote " Often a firm believer in the notion that people will only change when they realize that what they are currently thinking and doing is fundamentally wrong - wondering in this lifestyle and within the BDSM context is that a notion I should hold on to or give up?"


Personally, I believe change is a natural and healthy part of living. Evolving, taking shape and living more authentically I hope would be part of anyone's life. In relation to your mention of doing something fundamentally wrong, I would say that I made a major change by stopping the continuation of a toxic situation. This was years ago now. It was tremendously difficult but has proven to be a magnificent decision.

BDSM is not separate from life. I keep reading this concept like it has been segregated. I suppose that is a choice. I don't see it that way at all. To me it is a matter of self expression, way of connecting, exploring and growing; one of many, some more common than others.

Always be willing to bring a change when something or someone is oppressing another or holding them back from developing as a person. Beyond that no change in my mind brings = static, stagnant, distasteful existence. Change may be uncomfortable but embracing it expands enjoyment of life. It is the resistance to change that prolongs the angst it may bring.

Just my thoughts.

Re: Change, learning and changing

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 19, 2021

Like anywhere else, you'll gext mixed results. But more importantly, if people are ignorant then challenge them.

If they can only complain and whine when they make excuses to be dismissive, then perhaps they can't handle the truth. Ask questions. Challenge logic. Some people will be closed minded. Others will love you for being observant.

Keep in mind some things can only be proven through action as well. Even if people have doubts/concerns beforehand I get them to have fun. When they actually make an effort to find out. Everyone that's tried would say they enjoyed themselves. The rest are left with their ignorance.

It can be frustrating when you come across ignorant idiots that don't consider your viewpoint. Just at least try to show you have a brain and make it about what isn't known (as opposed to what is). And maybe put things like hypocrisy in a silver light (if being honest about it makes things better, great). There's a few "tricks" you can do to make things go smoother with people. Provided they at least think about/consider your viewpoint.

More often then not people are simply ignorant. I've had an exception when someone even says being closed minded is a good thing. I call this person an idiot because I know open minds go further. Frankly, it's more considerate. And makes it about the understanding. The moment they said open minds are overrated I took it as an indicator that they're lying to themselves, let alone me. And assume far too much. Which they do. I am not the past. I am not others. The future is not yet known. Only an idiot speaks with certainty about those things without context.

Frustrating isn't it? At least most people I know keep me in mind. Just because you don't like a situation and THINK you know it doesn't mean you're "in the right" about it. Ignorance is the deciding factor. I honestly have more respect for someone that degrades and talks down on me (in a none playful manner). Because at least then I know I get people to realize they're being hypocritical. Even if not directly said showing an understanding nature proves it.

Consideration. Keeping others in mind. Considering their viewpoint and that maybe, just maybe you're not as "right" as you assume. It's too hard for some people. I used to be that person. Frankly, hate the old me. What "is" known isn't where the answers lie.

The answers lie in what "isn't" known instead. It's where the "new information" is. Which is not what you're telling yourself over and over when you're ignorant and close minded. I just had to face one of those types recently myself. I might give up on them. But I know plenty of others I know that can handle the pursit of the truth which results in good things and being happy together. So when you ask yourself if you should give up, I remind you of this. Honesty. At any cost. And beware of those that claim to value it when their deeds betray their words.

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 19, 2021

I think that applies to life in general, BDSM or not, if one wants to keep growing as a person. Expand the horizons and all that. Those unwilling to change certain aspects of their lives are soon "forced" to one way or another, be it other people around them or life circustances.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 3, 2021

The foundation of the lifestyle is people. So you never have to abandon what people will or will not do in your consideration.

The basic concept of change is willingness. So there has to be something in it for a person to want to change. There has to be something they see as a beneficial result to the choice. That is why external influences to change don't work. Instead of looking at one person's potential for change, ask yourself if them being in your life (for whatever reason) as they are right now, without the change is enough.

I think we often attach to people based on the potential we see in them. Then the trouble begins when they fail to live up to that image. Or you think you should be important enough to them that they want to change for you and won't.

This is one reason we encourage people to meet others and see them in neutral environments before they get into a relationship.
How do they treat wait staff? Are they ugly in how they see others, or do they scream at drivers on the road and curse them out for no reason?
Do they say one thing and do another?
Do they confess to lying or using others as if it isn't important?
etc.

You have to have your own value system and if they don't fit within it then you have your answer.

Will they change? Only if they want to. And if they don't want to? Again you have your answer.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2021

Keep in mind that expectations is often a trap though. Judging books by covers so to speak.

What if what you see the worst of is where the best is?

Convince someone they might be wrong and suddenly their own desire for honesty causes them to change. they have to think then. The trick is getting someone to realize they can be lying to themselves. There's asking ways of going about it. Basically, get them to question themselves.

If someone bullshits me I push for a straight answer. What's the truth and can you handle it or not? It's your choice to answer. Can't make you. But I'm not afraid of the truth. Which is why I'll always answer. Not afraid of being proven wrong either. Draw your own conclusions.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 9, 2021

Taramafor​(sub male)

Keep in mind that expectations is often a trap though. Judging books by covers so to speak. What if what you see the worst of is where the best is?
Convince someone they might be wrong and suddenly their own desire for honesty causes them to change. they have to think then. The trick is getting someone to realize they can be lying to themselves. There's asking ways of going about it. Basically, get them to question themselves.
................

..question themselves, or get a restraining order.
I vote for the order.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

That's my point actually. I get people to question themselves. It's in the ASKING. Not the TELLING. Which is why I'm so miffed about how you dare to lecture me when you don't even know me.

Is asking questions really that hard for you Subhush? In all of your posts you've never asked me a single one. Or if you have then I haven't noticed it. Is it clearing up misunderstandings? it is not. Make of that what you will.

I probably gave that impression myself. But things aren't as they appear to be. It's clear enough when people worry and have concerns. I can't read your mind. But if you worry and BS me then you worry and BS me. That simple.

And can you please knock off the snarky judgemental comments already? You are what you hate subhush. I'm going to prove to you that it's you that can't be trusted.

You probably forgotten at this point. But long ago you stated you have trust issues (for reasons other then me) and made the statement of saying you can only trust yourself. Do you have any idea how dangious and destructive that is? You clearly have trust issues. You don't consider things with an open mind. And you get yourself into unhealthy arguments because you literary complain. I mean that quite literary. Even professionals will say it's counter productive. It's not trying to be understadning. It's not trying to find answers. It's just going "I'm a judgemental prick". And if you thought that's what I was then you sunk to that level yourself. Keep in mind I'm referring to an earlier post of yours when you whined at me (you're not doing that right now. Thank you). Admit what you did. Don't admit it. Whatever. Don't need an answer here. But you are thinking about it. That's all I need right now.

I point this out because mistrust CAN be a good thing. Even in a healthy relationship. Calling each other into question can be a GOOD thing. If someone is in danger or puts you in danger then there are times you HAVE to argue. Otherwise the alternative is being blind, unaware and going insane. Keep each other aware, stable and sane. Make sure you don't get in over your heads. BUT if you ASSUME (and you do) then you're LYING to yourself. Let alone others. The worst part is you won't even realise you do it. It's actually a common mistake for many people. Not specific to you. But you do see in the danger in that don't you? It's just going to lead to giant misunderstandings.

What bothers me the most about this in ragerds to Subhush is that they claim to value honesty. But it's like they don't even consider being wrong. I see a contradiction. You do NOT know my interactions. People CHOOSE to try and understand even when things are difficult. And I always remind people about choice. Are you perfect? Do you have no flaws? Please.

You see me as some horrible monster. Well, quesiton for you hotshot.

What if you're wrong?

I can even you a hook. I know what it is. It's called honesty.