Advice for starting BDSM?

Advice for starting BDSM?

AshDidNothing​(sub male) • Aug 26, 2021

Sorry ahead of time I have Dysgraphia and I am slow at typing and not very good at wording.
I am in a relationship and looking for advice, we both want start BDSM but don’t know how to go about it. Another problem is we are both submissive. My partner is female to male, he and I are having trouble. Any advice is helpful!

MrFulmen • Aug 26, 2021

BDSM is such a big field with so many options for kinds of relationship and ways to play!

If you haven't yet, I'd recommend reading some of the essential how-to books to give you both ideas for options and help you describe what you want more specifically. Here's a guide with some places to start:

http://www.consensualdominance.com/resources/

For your specific question about both being submissive: try talking with one another in terms of what you'd *like to do,* instead of in terms of what you think you *are.* "We're both submissive" sounds like a dead end, but really you're both complex human beings and you're each capable of a vast range of ways of expressing yourselves. Talk in detail about what each of you would like to give to and receive from the other, don't fence yourselves in with labels, and you may find some excellent areas of compatibility.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Aug 27, 2021

Hey there,
Welcome to the wide world of BDSM.
My advice to you is to try not the let labels, rituals, protocols, people, ect., stress you out and ruin all the fun.

You are already two steps ahead in that you already have an established relationship and you already know (or have an idea of) how you relate to each other.

I hope you won't let the fact that you are both submissive stop you. If you guys are anything like me in your submission, your focus will be the pleasure of the other person.

While you are trying things out and finding out what you would like to do, don't worry about complicated scenes at first. Start small, learn, grow, ease into things and most of all have fun.

Lady Char​(sub female) • Aug 27, 2021

There are bdsm checklists you can look at which will give you an idea of the range of fun activities you can up to. You can score them in terms of how interested you are (don't worry if there are lots of No Ways!! Lol) ... Maybe if you and your partner do it separately, you could then compare and see where there are overlaps you could start with?

You can just Google BDSM checklist.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 28, 2021

Consider the psychology behind events like control and choice, along with automatic response.

Also keep in mind options come BEFORE choice. If it's not an option then you can't decide it can you?

Also keep in mind it's actually impossible for anyone to make the choices of others. I know a sub. They had to stand their ground against their dom. Because I was the one going "what do you want"? In the end, the dom had to eventually say it's up to the sub. Violate choice (intended or not) and it can cause severe mental truma. Which the sub already been through (due to past events not involving the dom). Opened up to me about their past ASAP the moment they met me. Despie having held it inside for a long time.

So, keep in mind that there's a difference between instructions/orders and "They decide for me". The later is in reality impossible. And good intentions can backfire there. A good dom will state the situation for what it is and nothing more. They will instruct and nothing more.

A good sub will also be able to challenge a dom. If they don't then they can let themselves get walked over. The dom might not mean to walk over you. But if you're a doormat then consider why.

Except the above can be a good thing at times. When you admit that you're useless and not able to handle the situation you're in. It's an "acceptence" thing. Can even be fun. Anyway, focus on what you can do. Not how "doomed" you are.

Imagine the worst situation ever. Make the best from that and what can't you handle afterwards? Easier said then done to learn how. But anyone can learn how. If they don't make the mistake of "avoidng" and "fleeing". Feel the worst. Embrace the worst. From yourself and each other. For who looks past the monsters? Just try to do it with understanding and control. But if one must be a savage beast to learn how to do that then so be it.

House Talion​(dom male) • Aug 30, 2021

Both as individuals go through the pages of what is known bdsm. Both write down likes, dislikes, and curiosities. Then switch and read each others notes. You both might have mutual things and probably a few that are not. Take from the lifestyle what you want and make it your own

Koelntop​(dom male){ } • Sep 13, 2021

Ash,

As previously stated in earlier replies BDSM is a wide and generic term & no two peoples kinks align up 100%.
I'd recommend that you & your friends make contact with a local MUNCH. That way you'll meet other people with similar interests as you and also at various stages in their journeys into the BDSM world. Try the New England Dungeon Society - they have listings for meet ups throughout NE states

undtaxis • Sep 15, 2021

I would keep reading and keep talking. It is very important to talk about everything multiple times, ask questions of one another. I would start with one thing you want to experience but again START SLOW. Even with all the experience I have I start VERY SLOW. You need to ask yourselves this question--what is your END goal. Where do you WANT to be as a submissive, switch, or DOM? If you start your process at least thinking about an end goal, it will help clarify things as you keep talking.