Language b/w a Dom and sub

Language b/w a Dom and sub

slave Sakura​(switch female){Owned} • Aug 30, 2021

Esp. if you have an argument, do you think it is appropriate for the D to tell the s to "shut up" or "shut the fuck up," or any facsimile thereof? And then to say they deserve it because they interrupted the D or something like that.

I think this shows a lack of respect for the s and a loss of control by the D. Comments?

SuperEight​(sub female) • Aug 30, 2021

That would most certainly never work with my dynamic. We both think that kind of language is extremely disrespectful and only discourages a person voicing their needs/concerns. Like all relationships, a D/s dynamic needs mutual respect.
Now if this were a scene, not an argument, and both parties consent to this kind of thing, no worries. If it's not consented to, I personally would consider this a red flag. My Dom and I do disagree sometimes, but it rarely leads to what I'd consider an argument. If either of us gets too heated we simply take a step back and let the other know that the conversation needs to be put on pause and revisited later on. This is something we agreed upon early and something we renegotiate when we have dynamic check-ins.
If a dom saying something like this bothers you, and I assume it does since you created this post, I suggest you have a conversation and discuss boundaries and "fighting fair"

cherilynn​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2021

When I had a D-type person in my life and I argued and interrupted him, yep, he told me to shut up.

This doesn't work for everyone. YMMV

AmethystKitten​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2021

Before I say anything else, I file the disclaimer that in some dynamics, that is a reaction consented to by both parties and each dynamic is different.

That being said.

No. I do not believe it to be acceptable. As many of the older crowd dominants can tell you, the first control a Dominant must learn is the control over themselves.

If they cannot control themselves - not only can they not be trusted to control a scene or their submissive or play partner.

But they cannot be trusted to be safe.

Losing verbal control is the tipping stone. Some may never pass it. Others will. And you will never know until one day the bruise that blossomed was nonconsensual.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 1, 2021

Depends on the dynamic, how "hard-line" it is, but as with any relationship, when a pair are arguing, the "niceties of the arrangement" are usually shoved off to the side and D/s dissolves into two human beings who are, to put it mildly, "Not seeing eye-to-eye" on a point of disagreement.

Is it OK for a dominant to tell the submissive to "STFU" or other--- well I suppose it s OK until the submissive indicates that the situation transcends their dynamic and any or all 'contracts" thereof and said submissive expects to be treated as a fellow human being--- Then saying that to them is definitely off-base. And vice versa...

But by their very nature, argumanes are seldom "civilized" so I suspect a variety of cuss words will inevitably fly as the fur flies.

Perhaps more important than all else-- in a verbal firefight keep it that way. No physical violence is ever acceptable.


$0.02 Mine

Bunnie • Sep 1, 2021

There is a possibility that if someone gets to the point of telling you to STFU, that perhaps your communication abilities aren’t as effective as you may think. If I personally allow myself to lose control to the point of argument, I am a total ass. I push buttons, and am simply downright nasty, rude and disrespectful. Somehow pushing the other person to a point of losing control helps to reiterate a part in me that still doesn’t trust people. That way I can walk away saying to myself, “see? I knew it… he’s just like all the rest.”
As I began to slowly trust more, I turned the focus on myself to ask myself why I behave that way. Why? Because I knew how patient and caring a man that person was. So… was he wrong? Or was I wrong?
Does there need to be a wrong person? Or perhaps it can simply be that there are hurdles to overcome in trust and communication still.

MsDove​(sub female){Eternal Pi} • Sep 2, 2021

Is it appropriate for anyone to tell some one to shut up or shut the F up and then say you deserve it? No, unless it's agreed upon play (which I don't believe this is). Why would it be different here?

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 2, 2021

I wonder what the submissive has done to push the dominant that far. There is no point answering this question. What you want to hear is that the behaviour is not appropriate... why is this important? You already made your point. If it was you it might be better to calm down and talk another day. An argument is between two people, not always between a dom and a sub and respect is not a one-way road. The recipient determines the content of the message! It means we all have to work on how and what we say.
If it happens the whole time, that might be something else.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2021

If it is okay with you and you feel comfortable yes it's fine. If you feel validated and heard yes its fine.

But what I see is a clear cut case of emotional dysregulation. He flipped his lid. A lack of emotional intelligence that is a wrench in the pot when trying to make progress.

Blaming you for his lack of control is ....well let's say not something I would want a second helping of.

Your both adults and are responsible for your own behavior.

Interrupting is not a good communication skill. It can escalate defensiveness. Telling someone to shut the F up isn't a good communication skill either. Both are reactions. Impulsive.

What's the goal here?

And what's the game plan to avoid this kind of thing in the future?

Balthezor​(dom male) • Sep 3, 2021

That one I don’t think is too bad, but it’s really the tone of your voice and everything else that will set it down. The couple I never use are go fuck yourself & eat a bag of dicks and die or anything like that in anger. If you’re being silly and fun yes not in anger. The shut up could just be that a shut up time to cool off or it could be a rude dick move. Can’t tell without the tone of voice. Just my .67 cents.