How do you determine the difference for yourself?

How do you determine the difference for yourself?

Bunnie • Sep 7, 2021

How do you determine whether your hesitation is simply a fear of jumping in, or intuition (“your gut”) telling you it’s just not the right path for you?

parsumlit{UnderConsi} • Sep 7, 2021

My gut is usually always wrong unless I'm communicating with someone in person.

For digital communication, when I start to find myself hesitating, I try to share any questions or concerns I may have and get them answered.

If my questions and concerns are answered reasonably and I feel that my doubts are beginning to die down, then I figure it must've been my average unease about the unknown or trigger-happy "intuition." And I try to work through those feelings until something else happens that tells me to feel otherwise.

If my questions and concerns were shut down or dismissed from the start, I try to dig deeper on my own. When/if I find shady answers, I return to the start menu and accept that my gut was right this time around and cut myself loose.

Thotsferatu​(switch female) • Sep 7, 2021

I tend to give things a good try at least once, regardless of which one I might be feeling (since I don’t know how to always tell the difference myself). From that point, I just study my feelings and behaviors.

For instance, I tried having a 24/7 dynamic with a person, as a sub. I found that whenever I could get away with it, anytime I didn’t want to do something (which is often, because I’m usually pretty autonomous and know what I do and don’t want to do at any given moment), I wouldn’t. I would *say* I did to keep from disappointing the Dom, but that brought me no satisfaction and it made me feel ever more distant from them because I was keeping secrets.

For some people, doing tasks for a Dom or figuring out ways to obey requests even when their lives are busy or hectic genuinely brings them joy. But it did nothing but annoy me, and I felt like I needed to keep my true feelings about what I was doing hidden from the person with whom I ideally should have been sharing them.

So that’s when I decided that submission, or really most D/s, was not for me. I got out of that dynamic and, fortunately for me, I had chosen a mature, kind Dom who totally understood that it was a learning process for me. After all, nothing we do should ever come with the stipulation that once you’re in, you can’t get back out.

Sometimes you never know until you try, but when/if you do, you’ve got to be brave enough to accept the verdict. That means being honest with yourself about how it makes you feel and, if it’s not working for you, communicating with the person you’re working with. Which is hard sometimes, because we feel we’re rejecting that person, or that we’re not living up to the picture of ourselves that we painted in our minds when we thought we’d love a thing that we turned out not to, but doing that just frees us up to find what we really enjoy and will fulfill us.

Jareth​(dom male) • Sep 7, 2021

Experience.

If I am faced with a new situation and I am hesitant, I tend to look back and see if there has been a similar situation in my life. If there has, I will examine what happened, especially my choices, and decide if my gut is telling me to get out of this new situation or trying to tell me to proceed, but make different choices this time.

If it is a completely new situation, I will usually just listen to my gut. It steers me wrong occasionally, but not very often.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Sep 8, 2021

Bunnie ,
I agree listen to your gut. But at the same time talk to those you trust .I find that talking without wanting any answers sometimes it is like writing in a journal . Just putting out into the universe helps.i hope that makes sense? .....

Oh yes if this is about a dynamic . I would talk to not only the person you are working towards/ or in with, along with a trusted friend/s

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 8, 2021

I give myself time … it is about experience, but this can lead me as wrong as my guts. I listen and ask and listen even more. Guts are often overloaded with our fear or old triggers. So, I look for pattern and action… these two points are not about what I feel or think. They are plain and honest. Does it help all the time, hell no, and I don’t expect that. To be on guard just because we think it is a good way not to be hurt is a waste of time for me. I try something and if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. I mourn if that happens, yes and it is no fun, we mourn the loss of possibilities. After a while, I dust myself off to be open again. There is no correct way, there is only your way...

KissKali​(sub female) • Sep 8, 2021

I would 'talk' to my hesitation, ask it deeper questions. Find out some particulars.
What is it specifically that feels 'off', or frightening, or boring? Yes, boring! I am hesitant when I perceive that someone is not strong enough to match me. I cannot relax and let go into my natural submission if I feel that someone is taking too many cues from me.

RightOne • Sep 8, 2021

Not a gut or intuition type. Learned some hard lessons in that regard as a young man. I go with information, data, the inter personal experiences, and my well known preferences and interests.

Re: How do you determine the difference for yourself?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2021

At no point did you ever state logic. You just mentioned feelings.

What's the LOGIC of the situation? What's the HONESTY of it?

So when those feelings come into play (most likely when others are feeling it), I counter it with a good dose of BLAM! With a bit of WHAM!

In other words, "What don't you know?" Along with "What if you're wrong?"

Other tactics can be used. Gets the not interested to get interested. If you show confidence when others doubt then you're the one more capable of your own abilities. The only question is if you can prove it when someone lets you show it.

Also important to be realistic about likely messing up the first time if someone is being more one sided. They were stuck more in their comzort zones. Had to establish the "100% both ways" thing. Which is the only fair way considering I'm basically obligated to do it myself. Your "Feelings" were nothing more then "worrying". And if you flee with that assumption then it's the assumption you're stuck with. But that won't make it true.

Those that find out the truth with me don't regret it. Can't speak for others. I pull it off because I don't let anyones feelings (mine or theirs) get in the way of logic and honesty. Your (or my) hurt feelings do not get to the truth. Only the truth gets to the truth. And for that you need logic and straight answers.

Seriously, can't stress straight answers enough. Make sure you get them. There's no honesty without that. Think of it as cross referencing with each other.

Bunnie • Sep 9, 2021

@ Taramafor,

“At no point did you ever state logic. You just mentioned feelings.”

A very good point. Thank you for pointing that out. I never would’ve considered looking at it that way.


“What's the LOGIC of the situation? What's the HONESTY of it?”

Good questions.


“Only the truth gets to the truth. And for that you need logic and straight answers.”

Love this.

You’ve definitely given me a different way to add to looking at it. Much more rounded than before. Thank you.