Vanilla He Meets BDSM She

Vanilla He Meets BDSM She

makemeplease​(sub female){Prussian} • Sep 21, 2021

There is a human that I cohabitate with. I haven't yet verified this fact, but I am of the belief that the source of the actual sunlight so critical to my existence is actually this human. Not only is the carbon form of this human in every way drool-worthy but in addition to that... The brain that operates that carbon form holds equal levels of drool-worthiness. As if I'd engineered this human's inner-workings my very self with careful planning and blueprints and whatever else smart people use to engineer shit... This human possesses trait after trait, both the tangible types and the non-tangible, that I desire in a human companion. It's borderline frightening.

"It's like I made you in a fucking computer."

So... what's the problem? No 'problem'... Exactly. I am happy. I am healthy. I have a SSC platform to expand and grow and stretch out my beautiful, youthful faerie wings.

BUT...

This human is what we here in our neck of the woods call a "Vanilla' sort of folk.

And I... I have roots... Deep, deep roots... In this community. I have experienced the very small tip of a very large iceberg in regards to BDSM. I've seen it... I know it... And I want to see the whole damn iceberg. I've studied it. I've dreamt of it. I've written about it. And thankfully, I've gotten to experience it in a beautiful (albeit too brief) way.

This divine human in which I find myself falling more and more in love with as every day passes is AWARE of our community... He's even had a previous relationship with someone who, from what I can tell, also had beyond taproots in the lifestyle. He finds it intriguing. But it would seem he lacks the same... facets... That you and I possess that bind us together here in our beautiful community.

And it is here that I produce my query.

Within this man exists the potential to fulfill my desires as they pertain to BDSM. I can see it. He is strong, mentally and physically. He is incredibly intelligent. He is patient, kind, understanding. He's not judgemental and possesses a great deal of desire to make me happy and assist me in my ventures to ensure my needs and wants are met.

What he lacks is the desire... The desire to 'play' the role of the Dominant, the Master. At best I'd say gentle coaxing has moistened the tips of his toes to filling a "Daddy" role.

What I refer to here has very little (if anything at all) to do with the sexual aspects. What I desire and crave more than anything is the psychological, the mental aspects.

So do I educate and hope to open some dusty door in his subconscious? Do I 'top from the bottom' and gently try to coerce him into the role? Do I flat-out, plain-English express these parts of me and hope for the best?

What, praytell, should happen when a submissive/little falls in love with a Vanilla?

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Sep 21, 2021

I can only tell you from my experience. If he’s not into it, he probably won’t be convinced otherwise. I was already married when I figured out how into BDSM I am. Unfortunately my husband just wasn’t even though he tried some aspects with me a few times. I stayed with him for 15 years and just denied myself what I desired so badly because I loved him and wanted my marriage to work. If he was a better man, I probably would have stayed.
So you have to decide for yourself if it’s something you can live without or is he what you don’t want to live without. I think if he’s not 100% into it, you start getting into an area of coercion that isn’t cool.

minasubforu • Sep 21, 2021

I can speak personally on this topic. I've been in a very vanilla marriage for 36 years and have just recently discovered my interest in BDSM and d/s dynamics. My partner unfortunately doesn't have any interest or propensity for domination or bdsm. I love and respect him and can't just divorce or cheat on him, so I am pretty much destined to remain very unfulfilled.

Decide now whether you will be happy in this vanilla relationship 20 30 years from now. Be really honest with yourself and with him when making your decision.

Miki • Sep 22, 2021

I write this every time I read about iffy relationships (in general) or especially those where one is into kink and the other is not.

You can try to get the other person to "try" this shit, but in general, if they're not into it, they won't be swayed by any "show and tell" expeditions or "try it you'll like it" crap.

So what I always say to these situations is:

"It's No Good if You Gotta Force it."

What remains is more boilerplate from me:

See if you can still enjoy the relationship without it, although that will be as difficult as trying to get the other into being a twisted fuck.

If neither can get into what the other is into, they can fake it but unlike the cliche, they can fake it but they won't likely make it.

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 22, 2021

I had a long Vanilla relationship and he wasn't interested in anything. I tried to be someone else and it didn't work. We are still friends but if someone isn't open, we have to accept it and decide if we could be happy anyway. For me, I wasn't...

makemeplease​(sub female){Prussian} • Sep 22, 2021

Perhaps I should have clarified - the relationship in and of itself is so phenomenal it's ridiculous. I literally feel like the left behind jigsaw puzzle piece finally made it's way from the box and got stuck all up in it's spot... And now you can see the whole picture. The relationship is going to remain, and happily, with or without the BDSM aspect existing between us.

To clarify my clarification - HA! - My interest in BDSM is comprised nearly entirely of the psychological/mental aspects. I have been a silent observer of the community without ANY first-hand participation whatsoever since my introduction. (It happened at an odd age for that type of thing, but let's just say it's been over half my life.) And I was perfectly content (curious, I'll admit, but content) with putting on a cheerleader's outfit and watching, rooting, celebrating victories and strategizing ways around losses. If that's what must happen - so be it.

But he is equipped. Willing? Confused. So much of the negative stigma that exists on the exterior walls of our community makes it's way into the minds of even the most intelligent of individuals. It's a shame.

Of course I'd never "abandon" my ties or interest in the lifestyle. That's ridiculous. I'll never sever pieces of myself for another human ever again. (Unless it's one that I literally 3D printed with my uterus or some shit.) But as far as expecting any active participation... I don't know. I guess my attitude could change in a year. Or five. It's impossible to tell.

I'm very interested to see that all my feedback has been A) primarily negative/not positive from women exclusively

Food for thought.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2021

There are levels to alternate lifestyle living.

Many think you just plug in the kink and it works, but kink is not one thing.

It is an action- and how that action affects you

It is a mindset- and how deep that action goes in your mind, body, and spirit

Is it a specific kink just moving from fantasy into reality like bondage or spanking? Or the product of years of searching and experimenting, having good and bad experiences?

It changes you, and how you function and relate in this world

It is either part of a larger relationship dynamic or just play and fun

And there is a lot of kink. So introducing him to kink or your version of kink per se, is in no way a promise of anything that relates to you or your long-term potential with him.

I've known many men very strong and of dominant character who were totally vanilla. Actualized and content in their lives, successful and happy with no interest in anything different from what they had already developed.

I've also known many vanilla couples who switched to Ds because they thought, as some admitted, clearly defined roles would simplify their failing relationships where the woman was running the show but wanted the man to do it. This is very painful to watch as they struggle and flux and fight trying to force each other into a role that is not authentic.

And in this case, it IS a role as you said. But it isn't a role to me, it is in my wiring. So that would be another qualifier, is this a person playing a role and just enjoying the moment? Or is this a dyed in the wool, hardwired Dominant or submissive?

You said, "What he lacks is the desire... The desire to 'play' the role of the Dominant, the Master. At best I'd say gentle coaxing has moistened the tips of his toes to filling a "Daddy" role."

These are not interchangeable terms. Daddy, Dominant, and Master are different things but all require a lot of time and personal development before that title fits.

You wrote a long flowery post to ask a simple question. I suggest if you approach this with him you be much more direct and a lot less flowery. It seems like you have a lot to learn about what it is that you seek. So if you are inexperienced you cannot present this to someone with no knowledge of it and succeed.

Finally, his desire to please you and see your needs met may have to do with his assumption that he possesses the skills to do that.

You coming at him with needs that are outside what he considers his wheelhouse seems lopsided and he might not respond well to that. The two vanilla men I tried this with couldn't process it. One almost bolted out of the house and the other? He just pretended I never said any of it. Obviously, both relationships ended pretty quickly.

Because when all is said and done, it wasn't that they couldn't meet my needs, it was that they didn't want to. <~~read that a few times.

It is probably the hardest thing when you see in someone all the qualities you desire save for the one that is the glue to our relationships...

Kink and Ds Compatibility.

Buy the book "When someone you love is kinky" read it together. Admit what you don't know to him and if he says, "absolutely not" believe him and let him go.

H*