What would you do…?

What would you do…?

EyesDownChinUp​(sub female) • Oct 2, 2021

First… I’d like to say that I KNOW honesty is the answer. This question is more for the secondary problem…

To begin…
I’ve been in and out of these rooms for about 8-9 years. It was a long known, internal desire but decades before I took the leap… being a submissive is where I find comfort and purpose-outside of my family/profession.

I took a break from our world and went to the land of the vanilla. I met someone and everything clicked- mostly his acceptance and 100% acceptance of my past and who I’ve become… however… he’s not Dom… at all. In any sense.
And we have hit a wall. I love him dearly. He’s one of the greatest loves of my life. And he’s here. In the flesh. And loves me unconditionally.
I have shared my preference for D/s… and without judgement… he just states that it’s not who he is. And it isn’t.

I can’t leave him. But i feel like I can’t stay… my heart is breaking and I have come here to just… listen or find the words I don’t know how to put together myself
I’m not LOOKING for a Dom
I’m looking for a friend. sub or Dom… that has an insight or experience

Please help
EDCU

propertie • Oct 2, 2021

Have you considered a poly household? I lived in a 4-person house for 6 years. One person meeting ALL of another's needs is a hard thing to ask . . .

EyesDownChinUp​(sub female) • Oct 2, 2021

I know it wouldn’t be his thing either… but thank you for the suggestion

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 2, 2021

Open things up, with his blessing to find the missing part elsewhere. That, he tries, you accept its not going to happen, or it ends.

Where you are is the hardest thing. I have been there.

propertie • Oct 2, 2021

I'm currently living with a married couple and their three dogs. I help with dinner prep every night, have become the primary dog caretaker (to the point where they are spoiled rotten), do laundry, etc. This is a completely vanilla roommates situation, but I find little ways to "serve" where and when I can. It keeps my inner submissive alive - even when no one is asking.

ihavesparetime45​(dom male) • Oct 2, 2021

That's a really tough spot.

It's tough because it's unfair to ask him to do something that he is not, for him to be somebody he is not. You also stated that he would not be open to allowing you to find something outside of your relationship to fill that need.

I would recommend counseling. Which nobody really loves to hear, but it may be a safe and neutral space for you two to try and find a solution. Otherwise you are going to stay stuck in a position where you either;

A ) Stay with your partner and remain as is, unfulfilled.
B ) Leave your partner entirely because your desires outweigh depth of the relationship.
C) Worst case scenario. You could end up slipping/submitting into a dynamic or behavior you shouldn't be while in a relationship, which will only end up hurting him even more and most likely lead to the breakdown of the relationship anyway.

Counseling first... Then if that doesn't work I think you need to really reflect on what is more important to you. The relationship you have now, or the lifestyle you left behind.

EyesDownChinUp​(sub female) • Oct 2, 2021

Properties…. This is a good point
I feel like I had been doing those things… and that it did fill in a little bit of the hole I felt
Doll maker…. That he tires would try would be amazing and I will hate what it puts him through…
There isn’t an easy solution and I feel so alone and selfish and that I’m about to hurt someone I love thank you so much for empathizing
It DOES help

Dressing​(dom male) • Oct 2, 2021

I have to be brutally honest and say, that I think the reason why I am on the cage is because I don't want to end up in your situation.

I've been close to having a relationship go to the next level before deciding that I just couldn't live without being satisfied sexually as well.

I'm sympathetic that you've both found a soul-mate who's not into bdsm, and that you're suffering because of it.

I wish you all the best and hope you work something out.

No Body​(dom male) • Oct 2, 2021

Your so not alone in this many subs have this problem. Some have talked it out with the hubby and then found a Dom who understood and just did things over chat.

ribbonbaby​(sub female){Guarded} • Oct 2, 2021

I agree 100% with ihavesparetime45.
You need to address this now and make a decision.
If you want to talk more privately, feel free to message me. I understand.