Red light/Green light

Red light/Green light

LittleMo​(sub female) • Nov 29, 2017

When is too soon? I want to find a Dominant who cares about the possible D/s relationship and invests actual time into it. Not days. Not weeks. Maybe even months before saying that they want to write up a contract. I don't know how to weed out the ones who don't want to invest themselves in it that way. What if a Dom's process in getting to know you is having you do tasks and sending pictures of face with a note in hand though? Is that too soon? What about contracts? Is it bad to have a contract that was written by someone else and that Dom tries to pass it off as someone else? That question was already answered by a Dominant on the chat but I was wanting to get more feedback. What should my process be like in talking with potential Dominants?

Is there such a thing as a Mentor who trains a submissive on these things but also gives rules to help protect and help the submissive? I want to find one (Dom or Domme ~I'm straight but it doesn't matter to me who teaches me on how to act and helps to teach me) If there isn't then I would still appreciate a Mentor in general that I can contact about such things.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and I hope you have a wonderful day.

Sincerely,
Littlemo

rosethorn​(sub female) • Nov 29, 2017

I once had one get to know me for a year before going any further and its needed to gain trust if you dont fully trust it will fall apart x its worth the wait.

LittleMo​(sub female) • Nov 29, 2017

Thank you @rosethorn ! I appreciate it a lot. It's nice to see that a Dom can be willing to invest time and energy into the "getting to know each other" phase.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Nov 29, 2017

It is possible and i find that its a good indication of a true Dom when they are willing to invest time, that could mean months but for me it meant being a vanilla friend for a year first so he knew all about me, i also find that you can sometimes pick up on the traits of one without realising, you can just be drawn to them. I hope you find them soon, they are waiting for you out there and you are very special to them too, do not suffer fools your Dom wouldnt want you too xxx

DrWakko • Nov 30, 2017

It seems that if you want to role play a D/s relationship on line the key is to collar someone as quick as possible. Then you will be lucky to find these relationships last more than a few weeks. A month at best.

If you talk to those who met at munches, or on various websites you will find they had little on line time and more face to face and slowly built up their relationship and what they wanted. I'm sure with a long distance relationship really nailing out the details before meeting is a good thing, but the problem is unless you have money LDRs are hard to do and very expensive.

I use a 3 hour rule for dating and relationships. I won't date someone more than 3 hours away. Further than that I will never see them and if we move in together there is a middle ground and neither are too far from home.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 30, 2017

Interesting post, Wakko. As someone with some experience in both online RP and real life D/s relationships, I think you make an important point about not rushing into commitments like collaring or a formal D/s 'contract' type agreement, but I disagree about a couple of points:

"It seems that if you want to role play a D/s relationship on line the key is to collar someone as quick as possible. Then you will be lucky to find these relationships last more than a few weeks. A month at best. "

Online RP is a means to an end only; another way to form and explore a new relationship. RP may be the initial attraction, and you're not wrong about things dropping off there. A popular mantra for online RP is 'Expect Unfinished Business". RL always trumps RP, and legitimate things happen IRL that prevent RP from going any further. But.... RP is only part of the 'relationship'; two people writing creative erotica in various forms online to get to know each other better. An good online relationship can and should be able to endure even if RP isn't possible due to the circumstances listed above; you keep in touch, explain why you don't have the time for RP, and try again if circumstances and fate allow.

To touch on the issues Rose and LittleMo raised, RP is a commitment that requires skill, scheduling and planning. If an online partner can write creatively, discuss character arc, motivations and Kink, listen to a partner's needs and desires there, and incorporate that into the RP, that speaks well to their potential in a relationship, whatever form that takes.

"If you talk to those who met at munches, or on various websites you will find they had little on line time and more face to face and slowly built up their relationship and what they wanted."

Not my experience at all. I find that most of these folks first met online, and communicate that way on a daily basis, punctuated by 'face to face' meetings. Since I added RP to my dating and Kink life, all of my IRL relationships have started online (with local folks), with anywhere between weeks and months of online communication before we met in person. It's not always easy or wise to talk about your kinks and most intimate acts and desires in a crowded Starbucks, nor are all folks always at ease speaking in person about that to someone sitting right across from them. Online helps to bridge that gap and develop a bond that is enhanced by face to face meetings. I think that the two are more complementary than you suggest.


Your 3 hour rule sounds sensible. I'll add in my own dating rule. It's not related, but it's helpful when evaluating new relationships;

I never form an opinion of anyone until at least the 3rd date. Not only does it take that long to get to know a person, but it's also about how I feel between the dates and how easy it is to arrange them. If I have a great time with someone on each date, but spend the rest of the time between dates worrying if they're going to call, anxious and/or confused by text messages or the lack thereof, then that should be a red flag.

The same applies to online. If I enjoy my interactions with a person, but I'm constantly fretting about when I'll hear from them next or worrying about offending them, then I start to re-evaluate the RP and my investment in it.

Having said all that, The Cage is a weird hybrid of RP and IRL but so far my experiences have been wonderful. I've met tons of interesting people (and one very special Kitten..) and hope that my interactions with folks on here so far will form the basis for some very real and lasting relationships, both online and in person.

Love and hugs,

Fud.

Re: Red light/Green light

Malkinius​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2017

It is possible but such people are not common. Most people want instant gratification of whatever they are into any time or way they can get it. Those are usually the ones who are more interested in sex and play than anything more. Usually the people who will do what you want have been around a while and have what they are looking for and are not currently looking for someone new. Good luck on finding such a person.

Malkinius

Lily pad • Dec 10, 2017

I am in the same boat as well