Help!

Help!

Teri • Dec 7, 2017

Hi I've been a new sub for a year my wonderful Dom just told me he wants to sleep with others I want desperately to do a good job serving him how do I do this graciously

Dnygrl​(sub female){Jabbers} • Dec 8, 2017

You need to be honest with yourself and with your Dom. I thought I would be ok with mine sleeping with another submissive woman if certain stipulations were met. Turns out it should have been an all or nothing situation because temptation was invited and my insecurities lead to a lot of tension in our relationship. We learned that while the idea didn't bother me, in action it is a hard limit for me to share my Master.

I realize that that may seem like me dominating from a submissive position, but really it is about us making sure we explore and live this lifestyle in a way that is mutually beneficial and allows for both of us to grow.

You can still serve him and make him happy while having limits, but you both have to talk about how you see things playing out, how you feel now, your fears/uncertainty, etc.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 9, 2017

Everyone gets jealous. even me. Instead of worrying about "others" however, I ask myself "Are they looking after me in the same way". meaning I make sure I don't neglected in that, or indeed any other area. If it's something that is lacking I make it known. That I need more of it. Indeed, had to do so recently even. If there's a lack of sex with someone then it is going to be lacking regardless of wherever others are slept with or not. Sex isn't the problem. It is but a symptom.

Now if it's not something that's seen too that doesn't mean the problem is "sex" (or lack of it). Lack of sex could be a symptom. The "spark" could be missing. In which case sex is the least of your worries. No spark can mean a lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy can lead to bigger problems. It's also important to keep in mind that a lot of sex can as easily mean not being "that close". Since sex might be the only thing you're doing with someone. Even if others do become close it doesn't make you any less so. things other then sex keeps us close. Sex can be one of those things of course but if you're a sub already there's doubtless other things in place. So take comfort in that if nothing else.

Telling someone they're neglecting your sex needs while they're doing that with others can also make them feel bad about themselves. Especially when they're doing everything they can to look after you already. In this case sex could be lacking yet wanted. Could be a struggle with the "spark". either on their end, yours or both. It can happen. it does happen. It sucks. But such is life. Work on the "spark". Which will be present or lacking between the two of you regardless of what happens with others you know. It's an X and Y situation.

The important thing to keep in mind is that just because someone sleeps with another it doesn't translate to being "closer" then they are with you. If it seems otherwise then the cause is likely things other then sex. As in other things between you might also be lacking that might need addressing. Hopefully that's not the case. If it's "just" a lack of sex (or spark) then you simply need to figure out how to get the fire going, so to speak. It's simply easier and harder to do depending on the company. Meaning it can be hard to do with close company due to different needs when it comes to sex and what mixes with it (eg: more then sex with sex). Some people like to be lazy and vanilla. Me, I need more activity. Which is why I can understand someone having an "easier" time with others. That said if the effort isn't put in that area with me then that's not because they're having sex with others. It could as easily be a case of taking more of an interest in a game or having casual conversation with another person while not making the effort to see to my needs. Sex, gaming, talking with another person. It all leads to the same thing. Not bothering to try and look after my needs or/and a lack of interest. The only question I ask myself is "Are they trying to look after my sex needs and how long as it been since I got laid". If they're not I point it out and they make more of an effort unasked for (I never ask, I simply state the logic of "It's been a while and you haven't tried"). They might feel bad for not trying but so what? If they neglected me then that's the simple truth of it. Then, if they care they make the effort. Just as I would if someone pointed out I been neglecting them. Provided I care about them of course.

In short, don't spare feelings. But also be aware that yours might not be spared in the pursuit of truth either and that things that you might not want to happen may continue to happen. The only question is wherever you remain or not if you don't get your way. Just be sure that if others get cake you're getting it too. or at least are trying to bake it.

Teri • Dec 9, 2017

Thank you both for your awesome advice! I will definitely take a deeper look into our relationship.
And myself!!

Re: Help!

j84​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2017

I'm going to assume that sharing your Dom with others bothers you and that is the issue.

Your Dom has a responsibility to look after your well being above all else. That includes their pleasure.

The question here is not what you can do for your dom, but what they can do for you here. It should go without saying that you aren't obligated to simply accept anything; no exceptions.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 11, 2017

@j84 Keep in mind that everyone has the right to do as they please. Subs included. By this I mean some people, doms or otherwise, simply don't stand for being expected (eg: obligated) to restrict themselves to one person alone. Wherever it's a choice or a uncontrolled need to remain free to interact with others in all ways might be up for debate (It can be one, both or neither. Changes from person to person). Nonetheless it is a form of freedom that might be needed. Something that simply can not be lived without. This does not translate to a sub mattering or being cared for less. Nor does it translate to not being able to do so because of such.

Hence "Make sure you get your cake either way". As a sub I simply will not stand for others being tended to "more" then I am. As much is fine. And there may be periods of time I'm seen a little less and that's ok in the short term. But long term inactivity in a specific area is something I will not stand for. And therefor inform a dom about if I feel something is lacking. eg: "Needs not met. Try harder". Though perhaps with a bit of "You been looking after me well in other areas." Sounds less harsh when I toss in some validation about how well I been looked after thrown in as well in other areas. Excuses like "stress" will not be stood for though. Not when others try for me when they are (so in this regard others being seen works in my favour. Sometimes effort needs to be put in the "Feel like it").

Also I argue that it's up to the dom to decide for themselves what their own responsibilities are. Just as it is for a sub and every individual to decide for themselves. You simply do not decide what another is responsible for or not (I say this for myself as well). There's a big difference between "I'm responsible in looking after you" and "Doing/not doing these things with others." It sounds like something that wasn't talked about and it is NOT something that should just be magically expected to not be done (trust me, that leads to big muck ups. Talk about it. Speaking from experience here). We all do things we enjoy to make ourselves and others happier. Everything we do is in the interest of our own pleasure, even if it's to make ourselves feel good about making another happier. It does however need to be balanced out with how it also affects others though. To give a rough idea of where I'm going with this it's quite possible to have someone take more of an interest in a club then you. Such a thing did happen with me once. And does so with others. Interest (in each other) can't be forced yet without an attempt at being around each other and doing enough such interest will remain lacking (In this case the interest would be sex). So even a sub will at times need to go "Make more time" or "Let's do a little more of this or that". At no point however will I ever go "Don't do that with others". I might however go "Seeing that when it's not being done with me is bringing me down."

I do agree with what the dom can do for you though. The trick is to bring that up without making them feel obligated (No one likes feeling obligated. Especially without consent). Easier said then done at times. I'm not sure if being a sub makes that harder to do but I do know it can be difficult to find a balance there. Stating another never "has" to do anything helps though. And seems to get me what I need. Long as I logically point out the facts and what they might need to work on to look after me. Something like "You been on that guys dick twice this week and it's been a while since we did anything." I always get worried about guilt tripping or something but the facts are the facts. And the fact is it's important not to let your fear of speaking up keep you silent. This too might be something that is more "sub ingrained". But it is important to speak your mind when needed. I was thinking about saying something like "Whenever you feel afraid". I'm into fearplay though so that seems a loose fit. There is different forms of fear though and what there is to be afraid of. So in this case "Speak up your mind whenever you're afraid about the relationship". In this case the topic is sex I guess. Or perhaps the fear of what sex involves? Only Teri will know that.

There's also the matter of how much or little the sub and dom in question is getting in that area. If it's lacking then clearly it's going to be an issue. Regardless what I think needs talking about is "Sex" and "Interaction with others". Regarding the later it might be a case of the freedom to do as one pleases more then being close to anyone. If it's a case of being closer to another then that's another can of fish. Long story short make sure time is made for you regardless of what happens there. This sounds like a case of causal people being seen with no other close bonds having yet been formed though. It is not "Wrong" to have casual flings either. In other words I'm saying it doesn't translate to neglecting the sub. If that does happen then it may well be unintended. I state this because others had been "more interesting" with me taking a backseat yet when brought up the dom in question clearly felt down for the unintended neglect. Such events can cause an increase in anger which can cloud judgement. As can pity however. Let neither stand in the way of X activity with Y time (Make sure you're doing enough often enough, basically. In other words, communication).

Marsa • Dec 13, 2017

I am not in a relationship of any kind and honestly don't even know how to define how I feel about myself other than it would be nice not to have to be in controll all the time. I'm not sure if that would make me submissive. That being said I do know myself well enough to know that personally that would be a problem for me. From my past experiences I would relate him wanting to sleep with others as 'I'm not enough" This insecurity has actually kept me out of any kind of relationship since the one that started these feelings. Now that I am older I can see that I went back to school got a degree and a career and excelled at it to try to compensate . I still feel like I am not enough. If you are struggleing with the feeling of wanting to be good then give it some serious thought. If you don't think you can honestlly say its okay for you, well what I am trying to say is it doesn't take much for some of us (me)t o loose our ability to trust. On the other hand I have a friend who has an open marraige that has worked wonderfully for them for many years. Recently they did have an issue where she felt he was gerring to emotionally attached to someone else. They took the time to talk it out and started doing date night again ect so she felt the connection they had. Not sure this is helpful