Punishment- What are the ABCs and 123s?

Punishment- What are the ABCs and 123s?

PrecorX​(sub female) • Feb 6, 2022

Ok Folks, I’m hoping you can help me gain some clarity on this topic.

Having been here for a bit, I’ve heard the term punishment slung around with abandon. I’m all for spankings and turning a lovely backside red for fun and foreplay. But that is not what I’m referring to in my question.

I grew up in a strict home. Punishment was doled out with a heavy hand when you failed, rolled your eyes, talked back or broke curfew. Punishment in my home was both physical and psychological. It was used to instill and unhealthy fear and breed deep wounds in myself and siblings. My mother’s silent treatment was top notch psychological warfare.

I share this as a frame of personal reference in how I view punishment in general. For me it’s a pretty bad thing for one to earn punishment. If given without justification or a clear explanation, in my book, it’s unforgivable and hard to return from as a result of my childhood trauma.

Punishment is not something that is a part of my dynamic. So my question comes from curiosity and various conversations.

So questions are-
- What is punishment and what behaviors warrant it?
- Is there a protocol to engaging in punishment?
- Do you avoid dolling out the very punishment which may have caused the sub pain in their childhood?

DrWakko • Feb 6, 2022

It is my believe that those who "worry" about punishment in a relationship do not understand D/s or M/s dynamics in real life. I have to state in real life because I have seen those in the cyber world enjoy and go looking for punishment. I have never seen a sub or a slave go looking for punishment. I have seen them go looking for funishment. A funishment is completely different than punishment hence the word FUN in FUNishment.

In my relationships punishment is discussed, but rarely enforced. I also don't believe in pain as punishment. First off if you strike someone in anyway while you are mad/angry/annoyed etc that in my book is abuse and domestic violence. I'm sure there is an acceptable time table between infraction and carrying out a punishment, but I've never figured out what that is, plus the longer you wait to punish the less effect it has a punishment. For myself my punishments are given in the form of time outs. My sub will sit by herself for a period of time. This gives us both time to think about what happened and what we will do about it. When the time is up we both sit down and talk about what happened, why it happened and work on coming to an understanding together.

The other thing for me is if I spank my sub because they are good and I spank them because they are bad, at what point does the wires cross and my sub wonder if she is getting spankings because shes being good or bad.

I think when you start a relationship write up a contract so you know what is to be excepted of all sides of the slash. Give examples of what a punishment is and what the outcome of said punishment will be. As most contacts are reviewed and revised every six months to a year (seems to be most common) you can now specify what makes a punishment and the outcome.

Eunoia​(sub female) • Feb 6, 2022

Great answer ^^

PrecorX​(sub female) • Feb 6, 2022

I agree that there shouldn’t be a worry. As to your point, the topic of punishment should be discussed and clearly defined.

Funishment is an entirely different topic and stems from a pleasurable intent. Yes please and thank you!

My question stemmed from a conversation where the topic of punishment came up. It seemed acceptable to this individual that punishment be given immediately without prior consent nor a clear explanation. Prior conversations and agreements were not requirements. It is that viewpoint that I found to be quite concerning.

If punishment is not discussed beforehand then how does one know whether or not they are arbitrarily choosing a painful trigger from the sub’s past? It seems like a dangerous and potentially harmful act.

DrWakko • Feb 6, 2022

I would say that if someone gave a punishment be given immediately without prior consent nor a clear explanation, then that is called abuse not punishment in my opinion. If someone is doing that then I'm pretty sure they don't care about a punishment being dangerous and harmful.

It is also my opinion that anyone that does that isn't giving a punishment to punish the other person, but to stroke their own ego and make them feel better and more powerful.

Shaynna​(dom female){SxH} • Feb 6, 2022

Personally, I enjoy being given funishments, not punishments. I don't know if it's because my dominant part is too big but I don't feel the need and refuse to let someone discipline me. My own parents didn't punish me while I grew up, choosing to always talk and explain things to me.

Also, for me, knowing I disappointed my partner feels way worse than being punished.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Feb 6, 2022

To answer your questions:

-What is punishment and what behaviors warrant it?

Punishment is something not enjoyed by the submissive that is warranted for breaking an agreed upon rule or refusal to complete a task. What’s the point of rules, without any enforcement for breaking them?
Punishments to me shouldn’t be something that is a soft limit and definitely not a hard limit. I think the silent treatment is abusive so that wouldn’t be an acceptable punishment in a dynamic I entered into.

- Is there a protocol to engaging in punishment?

First and foremost, discussions and negotiations need to happen. A Dom should be clear about his expectations and a submissive needs to be clear about if those are acceptable and if they mess up, what punishments are off the table. These discussions can always be revisited.

The Dom should be clear about why the submissive is being punished and afterwards there should be a “clean slate”.

- Do you avoid dolling out the very punishment which may have caused the sub pain in their childhood?

Obviously I’m not a Dom, but if a Dom did this, he’s just abusive and cruel. To use something like that against me would have me out the door with my middle finger raised high.

docseanortho • Feb 14, 2022

against my better judgement, i thought i'd get on here and say, the answer to all your questions is just simple. HEART BROKEN. I wonder does that even begin to answer every question you have in your mind because thats how you answered all my questions

bearpig​(dom male){Collared} • Feb 14, 2022

Punishment is something talked about beforehand. There are rules one must follow and when broke then punishment in some form should be dished out. As punishment goes the punishment must fit the crime. For something simple there flogging or paddling. or standing in a corner or kneeling in a corner. If one does the crime one must pay the fine.
If one has emotional issues because of there past then they should seek the proper help. Life is not simple it is not always through rose colored glasses. And in BDSM its not all fun there shall be punishment but it should be talked about before an after punishment. Here are my thoughts. A person should not even think about going into a bdsm relationship or any relationship where one would get punished.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Feb 28, 2022

Such an interesting topic and one that should be discussed and agreed during your opening negotiations into your proposed dynamic!

These are my thoughts others may agree or disagree we are all different!

Punishments are just that, a consequence of a misdemeanour, and the level of the punishment should be graduated to match the offence ! The old adage “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” springs to mind !

No punishment outside of the agreed terms should ever be administered as it may well trigger unwanted consequences

In an LDR relationship I “stack” physical punishments until they can be administered in RL
If a meet is not likely to be happening in the foreseeable future we would agree a set of self administered punishments

In RL my thoughts are that the punishments should be administered at the start of a play scene , it distracts the sub if they spend the meet waiting for the earned punishment!

I personally dislike the word Funishmemt it detracts from and diminishes the actual punishment, a more correct term in my head is “impact play” which then separates the punishment from an agreed activity within the scene !

And the most vital rule , whether in RL or apart never ever ever punish in anger ! It helps no one and may well fracture the trust !

Like I say just my thoughts and opinions please feel free to ignore/adapt/adopt as you see fit😈💙