Finding a mate

Finding a mate

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 12, 2022

This is sort of a core and common topic on this site. Even if one is not looking for a mate, most here are interested in relationship with kinky elements.

One of my take aways, in my journey/process of self discovery and coming to a place of self acceptance, has been the practice of examining and questioning the status quo. i think most assumptions about relationship are unconscious, and yet they dictate and control so many of our decisions and choices when looking for or selecting a mate.

i think one of the advantages to being kinky (read: "different from the 'norm') is our differences give us a different perspective, and make it easier to see and question what most just accept as normal. Yet, even with that advantage, we seem to often work to conform or fit our kinks into the 'normal' way of doing relationship. E.g. we go online, write a profile, look for 'the one,' etc., etc. ad infinitum. People get chided, disdained, even ostracized for breaking the rules of the norm, without us even being aware that we are doing it a lot of the time.

With that preamble, here's where this is going: i recently googled the top reasons for divorce. Granted, not all are looking for marriage, but marriage is just a form of relationship. If one is looking for a type of relationship, some of the same stuff may apply? i'm convinced that one of the reasons it's often so hard to find "the right" mate is because we adopt and are using the same methods of relationship that haven't been successful, even in 'normal' culture.

i'll reference it below, but most of the articles i have read on top reasons for divorce are pretty consistent. The number one reason is "infidelity" (read: "sex"), the second is finances, third communication. Sounds familiar, eh? Yet, we keep doing relationship the same way, even though half of marriages result in (often bitter) divorce.

We put a proflle together with pics and text about walks on the beach or gardening, yet none of those things are ever listed on reasons for separation lol. Kink sites are sometimes a little better, with some venturing to talk about sex a bit. But why not be open, emphasize and upfront the stuff that ends up separating people later on? Why do we still approach relationship as something we "fall" into (i.e., "fall in love") as though it were an inevitable cliff or hazard of living? Vs taking a rational approach and looking for compatibility in the areas that affect bonding and sustainability.

https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Feb 13, 2022

I hope I read this post correctly, in that you're wondering why marriages and "sex as taboo" are still the foundations of relationships even though they don't function well per your research/thoughts. Very sorry if I got that wrong.

To start with what I agree with, sex being a controversial topic that's reserved for after you get to know someone, at least discussion-wise, is indeed ridiculous. The usual reasoning is that religion is what perpetuated that, but it's not like religion wasn't written and upheld by men. Fundamentally sex is a little gross if you're not participating, and especially if you're not aroused. I don't have a source to cite but it doesn't take a scientist to tell you that our tolerance for disgusting stuff drops its guard when our dick gets hard . I think kink strikes a really unique middle point in that it's technically non-sexual acts (well... for some fetishes) that are sexualized, and discussion of those and interest in them isn't something that qualifies as gross in the same way that raw sex does. Someone sending me a pic of their red rocket isn't going to be pleasant even while I advocate for people putting pictures of their sex toy collection in their tinder profiles as a means of hobbyist expression. I think as kink becomes more commonplace, the act of sex will remain gross, but the intrigue of arousal as an emotion akin to feeling happy or sad will push people to be more open. Aka, wait a decade or two.

Marriage is different, for me. I have friends who don't think marriage is useful, because it's just a piece of paper and it doesn't protect against cheating anyways - they can always just divorce. However, I think there are very few ways that true trust can be given human to human, at least outside of life or death situations, which aren't a practical means of bonding with someone. An agreement on a societal level for a significant contract is very important, because the only thing it needs to be trusted at that point is a base level of commitment to the society.

If you meant in more of the one to one relationship sort of thing, I think the overlap between kinkiness and polysexual/romanticism is overstated while we're experiencing a cultural shift towards sexual freedom and away from religion (not that I'm religious). I really, truly think that a significant majority of the people engaged in open relationships/poly are doing so out of fear of losing the partner that suggests it, rather than actually interested in adding more parties to the relationship. I also think that the majority of people on a kink forum who ARE poly, are exceptions to that majority, bear in mind. I don't think it's 'normal', mostly because if it was, I would've expected at least one major world culture to have kept it throughout the centuries. I'm open to information that says otherwise, and it's true that religion/imperialism would shut that down pretty quick, but I have a hard time seeing a good argument against humans being a single-partner species on a biological level.

Notely • Feb 13, 2022

Well said bravo

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 13, 2022

Thank you for your thoughts.

What i have noticed is we don't start fresh even though we are different, we still bring attitudes, ways, ideas from the cultures we were/are a part of, and i think a lot of that is unconscious. Ethnocentricities?
For instance, why does one bristle or take offense when someone talks about sex? i'm not making a right or wrong judgement, just questioning what it is that makes one take offense?
Same with finances.
And, how often is "communication" a topic of discussion on this site?
Each of these tops the lists of reasons for "divorce," so they are apparent (obvious?) issues, yet it's as if there is taboo, offense, awkwardness about openly discussing this stuff or we have to meet certain criteria before they can be discussed. Does that perpetuate the problem/reason for "divorce" ("divorce" to me just represents a failed relationship in this context).

i cannot count the number of times i have been contacted by guys who want someone to support them financially as part of the relationship they seek, it seems like it is a primary desire on their list. Some are direct, others lie and hide that. Hiding that reality is just a future source of failure of "relationship," if it gets that far. It doesn't though, and it's just a waste of time.

Finances are a little less taboo and more of a scam item.

Sex? i think that religion often fosters and perpetuates feelings of taboo (among many other feelings) about sex. And yeah, humans create religion, so the which came first questions could be endless. Figuring that out is not that important to me. It's the notion that once one is 'married' or in some form of committed relationship, they are now secure to discuss sex vs discussion of sex being on the short and long list of qualification for entering into a relationship in the first place, that i question.

i am not advocating for wearing ones financial or sexual heart on ones proverbial sleeve, sadly there are scammers and predators and other things that preclude that practice. On the other hand, i don't think it benefits relationship, or the pursuit thereof, to hide those things in the proverbial closet either. Maybe wear it under a layer of clothing?

As to sex being "fundamentally... a little gross." i don't relate to that at all. Even if i am not engaged or aroused by others having their form of sex, i don't find it gross.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Feb 13, 2022

All makes sense to me.

"Does that perpetuate the problem/reason for "divorce"" Mmh. I don't think so, no. Humans are fairly fickle. I think a lot of the problems people break up with others for are wholly solvable, but the passion has died out, and thus interest in working through issues has as well. No data for that though.

"i don't relate to that at all." My bad, lol, should've seen that one coming, forgot where I was.