The most important facts before first meeting and negotiations !

The most important facts before first meeting and negotiatio

Ellenyx​(sub female) • Jul 4, 2022

Hi all,

Happy to meet you all here. I am a total virgin if it goes about BDSM. I never searched about it, I never heard about it and the only reference was a book 50 shades of Grey - I know.... bad...

Recently, I met a guy online that is in BDSM for 5 years and he is looking for a sub now. He is single and I myself am in an open relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years.
I decided to give it a try and we are supposed to meet in 2 days to negotiate and he said that if everything will be good between us, we will go the same day to his appartment. I started to research BDSM a ittle bit, but there is sooo many informations that I am starting to get a little bit lost.
He is a Dom, Primal and he wants a sub that will be his prey.

My questions:
1. What are the reg flags about Dom that i should watch out for?
2. Can I negotatie that he will not disrupt my personal life? Im talking about my boyfried and my work.
3. Can I refuse to send him sexual pictures/videos?
4. If I am not sure if I agree to somethin or not, can I postpone the negotation to another day?
5. If Dom is asking me to come, but I really can't at that moment. Can I refuse ?
6. Is only Dom deciding after what action I would be punished or not? I am scared that if he likes punishing a lot, he would just find any excuse to punish me?
If you have any other ideas and answer that I didn't mention please be free to comment !!!
I am asking, because I am a very submissive person in life, like he said after conversation with me "pure submissive", and I was never hit, slapped, choked, tied etc. It was always an easy, delicate in bed.

Thank you to everyone for the help !!!

Have a great day !!!

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Jul 4, 2022

here is a quick summery of how I feel about it all. Your mileage may vary LOL


10 cold hard facts about submission:

If the Dominant wants to collar you before meeting you, building with you, getting to really know you they are a control freak NOT dominant.

submission is inspired not demanded, only the insecure demand it.

Sending naked pictures of yourself to a so called Dom because he demands them is not submission it’s feeding his collection of pictures to get off to.

You choose to submit to One and one alone.

The submissive holds the power in a D/s relationship but gives it freely to their Dominant.

There is no place in this life for abuse, everything is consensual.

A Dominant never ignores their submissive.

A Dominant is always in control of their feelings at all times.

Dominance and submission are states of mind not something that is turned on and off.

A submissive is an equal and will always be treated with respect

Facts of a Dominant

1.Courtesy - They have politeness and good manners in the traditional sense of the word and will show this to all they communicate with whether via e mail or within chat rooms.

2.Respect – They will always be respectful in their approaches, showing an appreciation of the other and being mindful of how their communication is perceived.

3.Honesty – They will be totally honest in how they communicate, ask a question they will answer it in a detailed way, there will be nothing vague. They will tell you their thoughts when required.

4.Integrity – They will be consistent in their interactions with you, you will always know where you stand. There is no hidden agenda.

5.Confident – Do not confuse confidence with arrogance, they know and understand themselves in all aspects of their life. They will not be boastful but will give their opinions specially when asked.

6.Selfless – They will want to know about you rather than telling you about themselves. They will have provided the majority of information for early communication on their profiles so have no need to talk about themselves unless you ask when they will be happy to provide the additional details.

7.Unassuming – They do not make a big issue over things, their focus is on the girl not themselves. They have no need of causing or being part of any drama, they will state their opinion and qualify it where and when needed.

8.Knowledgeable – I nearly wrote intelligent or educated but settled on knowledgeable as it is more fitting and easier for me to qualify. They understand what a submissive needs, understand the deeper cerebral aspects of D/s, understand it is not just about sex and certainly understand that it is the submissive that holds the power within a D/s relationship and that she chooses to give it freely.

9.Assertive – There is a power in how they communicate, it holds the readers attention, makes them want to know more, piques the interest. It is this that gets them noticed, makes them stand out. Not the posturing, aggressive, crass and down right obscene ranting that some mistake for overt misguided displays of dominance.

10.Chivalrous – (adj) (of a man or his behavior) courteous and gallant, especially towards women. They do challenge inappropriate behavior, make no apology for doing so and will always do so.

In short they are consummate gentlemen, this is first and foremost and their dominance is an enhancement to this, an important part of the greater whole person. They see their submissive as their most treasured possession, one to cherish and nurture, one to guide and allow to be the best they can be under their dominance. They do not just see the girl as she is but see how she will become. They see her as the yin to their yang.

They inspire submission

Ellenyx​(sub female) • Jul 4, 2022

OMG !!!!! Thank you so much, this is exactly what i was looking for and before nobody could answer my question. That is very helpful and surprising a little bit in a good way ! I will keep it in mind before my first meeting !!!!

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Jul 4, 2022

The way I think most real Dom's feel is that you do have the ultimate control, and even if you chose to give that control away which does happen a lot, YOU have to choose the right Dom. So until you feel he meets your needs, you always have a choice to walk away. If he does tick all of the checkmarks, then it is your CHOICE to submit to him.

Look up the "9 levels of submission" and see which one most closely describes how you feel about submission. THEN see what he is looking for. If he wants a 24/7 slave and you just want to dabble and play around a bit, then your probably not a good match.

ANY good Dom should also be looking out for your safety. You are literally giving him your body to tie up and such. If the house catches fire, can you county on him to save your butt first, or will he bail and leave you hanging (Literally) So the long and short of it is, Can you trust him. If the answer is "NO" or "I'm not sure" Why the hell would you let him tie you up ????????

Secret Mind​(dom male) • Jul 4, 2022

1. What are the reg flags about Dom that i should watch out for?
The first red flag is that he wants you at his place right away on the first day you two meet.

2. Can I negotatie that he will not disrupt my personal life? Im talking about my boyfried and my work.
Yes, 100% and if he refuses then walk away.

3. Can I refuse to send him sexual pictures/videos?
Yes, 100% again. You shouldn't do thing that you dont like to do. That's not BDSM.

4. If I am not sure if I agree to somethin or not, can I postpone the negotation to another day?
Yes, both people need to feel fully comfortable with things.

5. If Dom is asking me to come, but I really can't at that moment. Can I refuse?
Try your best to do so but if it can't happen then it can't happen.

6. Is only Dom deciding after what action I would be punished or not? I am scared that if he likes punishing a lot, he would just find any excuse to punish me?
He may or may not. If you dont agree to that type of dynamic then he doesn't have the right to do so.

Just because your a submissive doesn't mean you aren't allowed to say no or to feel safe and comfortable

Noire{Owned (NH)} • Jul 4, 2022

Hello!
It’s wonderful to meet you! Welcome to this place I like to call Kinkdom! After reading your questions I figured I’d respond to them based off of a submissive’s perspective intertwined with my own experiences! So forgive me if this response is long lol.

Q: What are the reg flags about Dom that i should watch out for?
A: In my experience red flags can be a lot of things. That your gift of discernment will tell you feels wrong. But to simplify here are a few red flags I’ve noticed when a perspective dominant messages me.

*Asking for sexually explicit photos/videos, too many personal questions about you/where you live, within a short amount of time talking with one another.

*Rushing the vetting process.

* Commanding /ordering and trying to groom you to their liking. Before actually communicating with you and getting to know you and your boundaries.

* Mind games. A dominant creating mini tests of “ are you good enough for me” scenarios. This could look like a lack of communication on their end in the beginning of a conversation. “I didn’t respond back to see if your flighty.” Or saying things like “If your a true submissive you’ll do..” So on an so forth.

Q:Can I negotatie that he will not disrupt my personal life? Im talking about my boyfried and my work.

A: Every bdsm dynamic comes with a contract of sorts. Some dominants have rules for their submissive’s they’d like to be followed. This depends on the individual. Before solidifying the dynamic a submissive and dominant should have an open conversations about their contract or rules. No one should ever agree to doing something they don’t want to. Your voice should alway be heard by your dominant. If you don’t like a rule or if you don’t like a certain command. Voice it and see if there’s a comparison to be found. If you have boundaries about your personal life, tell them. Communication is key.

Q:Can I refuse to send him sexual pictures/videos?

A: If a dominant asks for anything your not comfortable with. You are not obligated to do it. Unless that is your official dominant and they’ve collard you, or you two have agreed your a dynamic. You do not have to send anything explicit. That should never be asked of you if that person is a stranger and w foundation of trust hasn’t been established.

Q: If I am not sure if I agree to somethin or not, can I postpone the negotation to another day?

A: Again you don’t have to go along with anything that your not comfortable with. A dominant who is not yours and your not theirs.. Has no power over you, you can decline, deny and reschedule until your ready. A dominant who cares for you would never pressure you to do anything your not comfy with.

Q: If Dom is asking me to come, but I really can't at that moment. Can I refuse ?

A: Usually a dominant will get to know your schedule. They won’t ask you to drop everything your doing. Usually they will ask if your able to meet or not. An if not then another day can be negotiated.

Q: Is only Dom deciding after what action I would be punished or not? I am scared that if he likes punishing a lot, he would just find any excuse to punish me?

A: This comes down to vetting and asking the questions you need to know. Not all dominants punish their submissive’s. If punishments are apart of your dynamic for breaking rules. This is a detailed conversation that you and your dominant will have. So that you as the submissive will understand what is considered a punishment or a funishment. Punishments are incredibly sensitive in nature. They are also suppose to be seen as a funishment instead of something to be scared of.

Hopefully this helps! Happy hunting!
Noire

Ellenyx​(sub female) • Jul 4, 2022

Thank you all so much for the answers !

Noire !!!! The longer the answer the better for beginner like me, this way I can really understand deeper the dinamic between dom and submissive, especially that a week ago i didn't even knew the meaning of words like dom, primal and submissive !

Thank you so much all ! From the deep of my heart! I feel so much better now after reading the answers !!!

Notely • Jul 6, 2022

Cam and Voice before meeting. Never go to their place the first time meet in a public place in day light few towns over never in your town. Do not get in a car or leave with this person first day. Bring someone with you the first meeting. Should have coffee and conversation see it their is a connection. You meet to hang out few times before more. Before any sexual both should get tested use safe sex tools know your limits just be friends this learning for both of you. Forgot 50 shades of grey The last movie tho he grew up more. Watch the secretary about close to bdsm that will show true bond. Take your time. Submissive have mind use it speak up but agree on things with the Dom. It out of love with bond punishment with love the pleasure not hate.

Re: The most important facts before first meeting and negoti

Atila​(sub female) • Jul 7, 2022

Knowledge is power. Books like " The Loving Dominant" by John and Libby Warren can be really helpful. I've read some of Elizabeth Cramer's too, her books are not as long. And of course, always ask and vet. There's a ton of events, both free and online, in this page and in Fetlife. There are tons of webinars and munches where you can get to know people and hear directly from more experience people.

Miki • Jul 7, 2022

Can't emphasize it enough. Lots of talking about who wants what, why, and establish limits.

Equally important... this dude is moving too fast. primal or not, it takes time to see and get to know other facets of his personality other than "the public face"

Could be minor things like maybe he snorts when he laughs, or scratches his balls when he thinks no one is looking--- or could be something less benign.

I know, probably sounds cynical but meeting someone from "online" never sat well with me. One never knows what's on the other end of the connection, be it a computer or via a "face-time" knd of thing.

We're all human and always want to show our good side.. And there's nothing wrong with that, but every now and then we run into someone with a not-so-good side that is potentially dangerous, or at least incompatible.

But above all that.. No "house calls" on such short notice. Get to know this character a while first. You can learn about BDSM from resources in a freakin' library, not in his house.

Just my opinion of course.

Like the fine print on those circulars recruiting people for MLMs.. "Results depend on your individual efforts"