Commited people having vanilla and BDSM paralell lives

Commited people having vanilla and BDSM paralell lives

Domme Mariela​(dom female) • Dec 28, 2017

Hello,I'm new here,but I'm into BDSM for 10 years now.
It's common to see married and commited people not interested about introducing BDSM on their relationships for many reasons,but they explore BDSM with other people anyway and most of the times,their vanilla life partners have no clue about that.
I really wanted to hear you guys opinions about that.

shahh • Dec 28, 2017

I would love to be able to say that everyone should just be honest with their current vanilla partner and if they don't love you for ALL OF YOU...screw them! BUT... Life, love, desire, true nature and learning what truly makes you tick are messy things. I needed the duality for a while to find myself and truly understand what I was looking for and needing...and risking a long term committed relationship with all of the dedication, family and friend connections, financial stability, etc to be able to explore my submissiveness was too scary for me to accept....however 'wrong' that may have been.

Orpheus​(dom male) • Dec 28, 2017

Sadly, it is relatively common for two people in a married / committed relationship to find that they are not on the same page with their sexual needs and desires...whether those desires be vanilla or BDSM. Many people get married quite young, which creates a situation where two people in a married / committed relationship might evolve very differently physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually over the years.. and some people are able to handle that better than others. Add to that the fact that some people go through physical changes as they age which can effect their sex drive, while others can become too stressed about family, or careers, or Instagram, or whatever to give a rip about the sexual “needs” of their partner. In those kinds of situations.... dialog sometimes only goes so far, and then come the really hard decisions... like weighing giving up your identity versus abandoning a person who depends on you for his or her livelihood.

Vanilla couple

tmo50nv​(sub male) • Dec 30, 2017

Hello, like your post, because i've been living that life. Though I (sub Male) would like to go a bit more mainstream, my life partner (dom wife) is really comfortable in our closet. I have been trying to get her to come out more, but it usually just turns my backside a brite red. really could use some advice on getting her to come out more?

Sincerely
Terry

Makemebad2 • Dec 31, 2017

Hello, I am a result of one of those "quite young" people who married vanilla. I knew then my feelings, my needs were different than others but the world I grew up in, those feelings, needs were wrong. If you felt that way, you were a freak. So, that's how I saw myself and never said anything. I loved my vanilla husband then as I do now, but he couldn't take the"freak" out of me. Over the years, I came to learn what I am. Not a freak as it turns out... after 30 years of marriage, I tried to tell my husband about my needs but by this time we were almost platonic in our relationship. We were at the "trying to fix it" stage...or I was. He listened without judgement and even tried to please me physically but that just doesn't work. You can't make a vanilla partner, who's all but lost interest into a BDSM partner anymore than you can turn a man into the Pope by putting him in a funny hat. Truth people! He knows now... not interested... explained what he's missing in detail... more than once...so, I ask you, am I better off telling him and dealing with rejection/ lack of interest? Or should I have just left it Iike it was, thinking he'd just lost his verve for sex in general?
Either way, I still love my vanilla husband... we've built a lifetime of memories together that is irreplaceable... so, I come to the Cage... thank you for listening..

sman27812 • Jan 1, 2018

Yes, this is an issue that many face and I am familiar with as well. Fortunately online mediums can aid in exploration of one's deepest desires.

LordofPain56 • Jan 3, 2018

Okay, I did not read all the reply's to the posters question, but here's the first thing that comes to my mind.
COMMUNICATION. What is the matter with talking to your partner/spouse about what you want to try to do. People today have these little devices glued to their ears all day and half the night and they are not really communicating. I suggest talking person-to-person, face-to-face in a quiet space, if need be, set a time weekly for important things to discuss about your happiness, complaints or requests with your significant other. There can only be three options: acceptance, outright rejection, or tentative agreement with a sundown if it does not go as hoped. Beyond that, people should get to know their partners much better before they get into a committed relationship.

ScarlettM​(sub female){Collared} • Feb 17, 2018

I am married, my marriage is 'vanilla' and I am in a D/s relationship with my master.

We didn't marry young, we have been together 7 years (married for 2), I have spoken to my husband in the past about my desires to explore my submissive side and he isn't into it but we do have a very healthy sex life and marriage, we are also in somewhat of a unique situation which goes some way to helping me keep each part of my life separate, tbh, I am happy to be with my husband in our way, and happy to be with my master as his submissive.

It is not a situation suited to everyone but for us, it works

Domme Mariela​(dom female) • Feb 17, 2018

I just want to hear from you guys what to you think about that.I'm not here to judge anyone.I'm a Domme,not the owner of planet Earth.
My PERSONAL behavior is only getting commited when I really feel like,whether it's vanilla or BDSM and I take it seriously.Not many relationships, in my life because I really like kink and I'm not always on monogamous mood.
But scene is unpredictable and I've seen it all,even fairy tales like commited people leaving their folks for a BDSM person.
Cheers!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Feb 24, 2018

Short version:

People that are close get afraid of looking after a loved ones needs.

If these needs are important then they at least consider trying.

Fear of looking after needs can cause distance. Along with remaining vanilla. For these reasons alone I encourage communication on the topics if a partner even hints at BDSM/kinks.

Communication can resolve "distance fears" and have kinks (and even none kinks) met. Which might be for reasons beyond sex.

This can lead to being looked after in the ways you enjoy to make each other happy.



Long version:

What does all this mean? It's rather simple. If you look after someone and do what you can to look after what makes them happy and share their experiences, if they care and face their "fears" they will do the same in return. Or otherwise assume they won't enjoy it despite the fact that they never tried, which would be an assumption. I've had to talk people into sharing experiences with me of which they enjoyed which previously seemed impossible to them. Additionally not enjoying it it the first or even 100th time doesn't mean you won't the next time. It all depends on the reasons behind it. Along with the "how" and "why". At the end of the day it all revolves around communication and perhaps mixing other things in as well.

I actually need to have such a talk with someone about that soon myself. The real issue is in getting "randy" with each other in general. Which can involve things that aren't sexual or even BDSM related. though the later can help with the former. Is someone looking after my needs? That's what's turning me on. In this case it comes down to posting with each other. An attempt to make the time and such. She struggles with it more because of the lack of practice (Yes it's online. Yes it's different. No that doesn't mean there aren't similarities). There's also the matter of looking after their needs in return as well. That's how mine get met.

In this case "Interacting in an intermate manner" is where the lack of practice is. Be it posting (another thing she lacks practice with which is needed for said intimate happenings) or IRL it comes down to the same thing. I find it easier to "get the fire going". She does not. I find it easier to make posts, she does not (though she's very good at it when the ball's rolling). It's a simple case of lack of practice. Keep doing things and remain consistent. Where this thread is concerned that means "BDSM events". Things will get easier. Despite this she's had her moments and we enjoy the intimate times we do spend together. But I need the posts in general (both none sexual as well as sexual) to enhance things. I don't just want to be "fucked" or even play out a fantasy (I "keep things real" so to speak) and neither does she. We enjoy the "melting" of each other. An inside phrase. Teasing/having your hands all over each other and such basically. But also the more loving moments that can be both sexual and not. Not too dissimilar from an IRL couple that needs to do more then just cuddle and fuck. I enjoy the intimate attention as much or even more then simple penetration.

Basically it helps to focus on things other then what's between your legs alone, even if it is sexual/intimate. That's an end goal for me, not the whole journey. And even the lewd things can be used in the more "general" context (ball-gag for a week and such). Harnesses, chains, running a hand/flat blade of a knife slowly down a chest... These things can both end in sex and not. Though always intimate. Loving even. You get the idea. Each and every detail will mean something. Represent something. Had to talk them into being more forceful/direct with me. That "hurting" me isn't a "bad" thing to do at times because I need to be "put in line". Even need the pain. For reasons that go beyond BDSM. Everyone has a bad side and I need someone to trust me enough to be there in those moments. To hurt me even. This ties in with BDSM and in general. Both physically and emotionally. Uncontrolled these things go bad. With control they can go quite well. Control of the self and of each other.

As for other people, I can understand that somewhat. My dom has another pet. She finds sex easier with him. But that's understandable. They don't need the posts or other BDSM things as much as I do. Do I get jealous? Yes. Does the dom in question attempt to look after me to the best of her ability? Also yes. And we make progress even if it's slow. The reason why we're treated differently is a simple one. X and Y is X and Y. Y and Z is Y and Z. It would be a mistake to assume that X and Z are the same. People have different needs and even if it's the same needs it's in the "bond" and the "how" with Y that contributes to it all. Just because Y enjoy pizza doesn't mean they don't also enjoy pie (pizza and pie being X and Z in this case). It would be nice to get both from one but even if you do that doesn't mean it can't be as enjoyable with the other. Either different or the same ways but still someone that might be close and matters as much.

Now if someone didn't even try to get more kinky with me and involve BDSM items... I'd move on. Because my happiness matters and it would be neglected. Maybe some can make do without or even "settle" but the way I see it I care enough about someone to look after ALL of their needs and their happiness. So I don't settle for less myself. If someone isn't even willing to try and experience things with me when they do with others then that's also putting in distance in that area with me when they see others in the same field. "Personal moments between other people" I can understand. But if I happen to have similar needs and want to experience things with someone and say "I think you can enjoy this with me if you give it a shot" then they better at least be willing to try. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to neglect the "vanilla" things either. This is actually something I brought up and the long and short of it is this. Both matter. Experiences with X person isn't the same as Y. With this simple logic we can deduce that some people are more "BDSM attracted" to each other then others. If it's not as important to someone you're married too and you don't have it high on your need list you can make do without it. And hence see others that might be "better suited". eg: more experienced in the field. Though for my part I absolutely must have the intimate and close bond with another of which only something akin to a lover can provide. So I have my cake and eat it too. Not easy but so worth it. Don't need to be good at the start (can even be bad) but do need to be willing to make the effort. Of which I'll be returning in other things that are likely more important to the other person because they have different needs then I do. To this end look after each others differences and you get your own "different needs" met.