One month in and struggling

One month in and struggling

Sartorialsass • Sep 15, 2022

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site and new to BDSM, although power exchange has always been the fuel for my desires. I am 2 years married, and about a year ago my husband and I ethically ‘opened’ our marriage. We have had many ups and downs, but ultimately this has been a good thing for us: more and better communication, more and better sex, ability to fulfill out desires.

About a month ago I met with a Dom for the first time. I have always been interested, but clearly I was not prepared. The connection was instant. Serious chemistry. And although I was just exploring, i found myself in a frenzy: my Dom said he was going to ‘keep me’ on our second date and began issuing ownership rules. I was on holiday from work, and my husband and children were out of town so I had ALL the time to obsess over it. And when life went back to reality, creating limitations on the time we both had for it, i dropped hard.

I’m looking for advice:

How do I compartmentalize this thing? How can i be owned, but still keep it in a box and not have it affect my primary relationship? How do i not become too attached? Anyone have any siggestions for rules, boundaries, limits that would help me do that? So i can live my vanilla life and my sub life? I recently tried to break up with him because it was all a big confusing emotional mess and i wanted to run and hide. But the draw is sooo strong.

Thanks!

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 15, 2022

Pre qualifier: i do not presume to advise you or present a standard here, these are just my thoughts for what they may be worth to you or the discussion.

lol, sorry, just trying to be clear about intent. Here's my couple of thoughts.

i think one month is not a lot of time for any relationship, especially a complex one. Consider giving yourself grace instead of pressure. Also, in a relationship, pressure can come from the other. If the person you are in relationship with has much more mileage with this, they may forget, or be less sensitive to what you are feeling, experiencing, or they may not care. Bottom line, i believe, is that all adults in a relationship need to find ways to be responsible for their own self.

i know, that is really tricky when considering dynamics like D/s. It can be counterintuitive for a "sub" to protect their self when their nature might be to need/want a protector. Personally, i do not think one precludes the other. I.e., it's not impossible for a sub to establish methods and tools to protect their self, it's just not the end goal. i think to give submission before establishing a safe foundation to build on is counter productive, more of a gamble and less likely to reach the dynamic goals to meet BOTH parities needs and goals. i say "both," because i believe forced submission (or a variation of such) is , at best, incomplete, and by my perception unreal. So ultimately, it does not meet either parties need/want.

As i see it, your needs/wants did not happen overnight. i suspect with most of us, they are integral part/s of our life long makeup. When someone like yourself gets to the place of being able to meet those needs/desires later along in life, suddenly all of these suppressed needs/desires find freedom and they want to be exercised! Sort of like a person making their way through a desert, and suddenly they come upon an oasis with a clear pool of water. The inclination is to dive in and drink vs looking/testing to see if there are snakes, or if the water is even drinkable. Not a perfect analogy, but hopefully makes the point.

i'd suggest communicating these things to the "Dom" you are connecting with. i believe a mature and worthwhile person on either side of the slash will want to have a relationship with you, not with their idea of who they want you to be. That takes time and specific effort, more of a holistic approach vs isolating our kink needs from the rest of who we are. i believe that our kinks are an integral part of who we are and that it's ultimately best to find relationship/s where we do not have to fragment or compartmentalize. Which is not to suggest that we may not find different needs/desires met by more than one person, but i see that as different that fragmenting or compartmentalizing.

i think working to be patient and graceful with our self AND the other is key, and that attitude being present in the other as well, helps add to a foundation of communication and trust.

balloonkotinsp • Sep 15, 2022

My first thought is, are you enamored with the experience or the individual? I suppose it's possible that this experience struck a chord within you. Being owned and used. But also protected and safe. I suppose it may be hard to differentiate. I do however think that it is shining a light on something that you are missing. And secretly crave. Is your husband open enough to hear about how you are feeling? If you want your current life,but an improved version, you'll have to be brave enough to share. Just an opinion.

Sartorialsass • Sep 15, 2022

Thank you!

Solace​(dom male) • Sep 15, 2022

It would benefit you to put more thought into the limits you present upfront to potentials. As a married woman with kids, you have duties to your husband and kids first. Limitations imposed by a Dom cannot jeopardize this and the Dom will be required to understand and respect this. If your husband does not freely accept the rules and tasks placed upon you it could threaten your marriage together. Be open with him and ask for the same while giving understanding.

Bunnie • Sep 15, 2022

Solace touched on perfectly what I was thinking. My suggestion is to speak with your husband very openly, very honestly, without any “little” omissions. Discuss together what your boundaries and limits are in regards to your family, put them in place, and honour them.

We are very vulnerable when first entering into this way of life because we are like a dying plant receiving water for the first time. All Dominants know this… it’s simply a matter of who chooses to take advantage of it in a way that does harm, or who chooses to nurture and nourish it to work towards building something beautiful.

I'mME • Sep 15, 2022

Sartorialsass,

One month is a very short amount of time to meet someone, play with them, and now be owned by them.
This is not exactly an example of ENM, so I will ask you what have you done in regards to educating yourself about D/s, O/p? In educating yourself you will find a strength in having knowledge and it will help you with the questions/issues you named in your op [whether it's classes BDSM 101, sub frenzy, negotiating , reading books]
If you go to the page events that sells tickets and search for BDSM, adult education, the Cage lists podcasts. Then you could search and find podcasts that will help you with foundational knowledge such as red and green flags of dominants.
I do not think I am supposed to list links here, if you need some please pm me.


Nonya

Sartorialsass • Sep 16, 2022

Hi everyone,

I would like to say thank you for taking the time to reply. There is a ton of excellent advice here, and it all feels very supportive.

😊

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 16, 2022

Probably already mentioned but I have trouble dealing with long posts so from my perspective, this clown is moving way too fast.

....Issuing rules on a second date?

You seem to be moving too fast on this as well, yet you're also regretting where it's going. Right down the crapper IMHO.

It's not going to last long, be of much value, nor end well.

Wish I had a solution.

He knows he's got your attention (to put it mildly) and is playing you like a cheap flute.

Sorry, I know you're into this "dom" but he's a shitty dom if he's doing this crap.

Hopefully soon you'll see him for the tool he is ---before you get too tangled up in his web, tell him he'd be better served going on Amazon or something, buying an actual cheap flute, and shove it up his ass.

2 cents

Mentor For Now​(dom male) • Sep 16, 2022

Hello, I hope this finds you well.

New relationship energy is a hell of a drug. When you are finally able to express something that has been held inside for many years more so. So, here is my advice. Enjoy the energy and happiness, do not feel the need to be two people, and accept your vanilla life and your kink life as parts that make up who you are. Share your happiness with your husband. Celebrate wins, and let that bring excitement to your marriage.

But, that drug is real. So, here is what I would reccomend:
Write things down.
Alone, and in a calm place where you do not feel any strong emotions, write a list of the following things:

1. Red flags that if you saw in your sister's (hypothetical) boyfriend, you would be concerned about. After the next date with your new Dom, and after every date for awhile, look at this list and think if any of it applies to you.

2. What are you are not comfortable doing right now. Work as specifically as you can, but generalities are fine. Use this list to set boundaries. You are the one offering submission, you have the right to set the terms of that.

3. Schedule. Sex with a new partner can be awesome, and we want it all the time. But write down how much time you are willing to devote to this relationship that will not impact your current lifestyle. Google calendar is your friend.

4. Talk to other submissives, and learn from other people's mistakes. Also, having a support network is never a bad thing.

I hope this helps. And I wish you the best of luck in your relationships.