How To Get Your Partner Involved

How To Get Your Partner Involved

newbutinterested • Oct 20, 2022

I’ve always known that I want someone else to take control in the sexual aspect of a relationship but my partner who I love and have been with for years isn’t naturally dominant so I feel embarrassed to ask! Can someone who isn’t naturally dom ever really get into it? Is it a pipe dream that I’ll be able to have the relationship I want with the sex I crave? Help

newbutinterested • Oct 20, 2022

Specifically I love dirty talk and ownership/protectiveness but feel like my partner is too almost “progressive”? Not sure if that’s the right word but we’re millennials/gen z and some of what I want isn’t necessarily respectful.

newbutinterested • Oct 20, 2022

I also know I’m reading erotica that probably isn’t realistic (Tessa Bailey anyone?!?!) but it makes me feel so unfulfilled.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Oct 20, 2022

Matthew Hussey has a great quote. He says the problem with 50 Shades of Grey is that the relationship only works in the future. If the relationship only works on condition that the other person changes something, then the relationship doesn't work at all. You can't bank your future on someone changing into something that isn't in their nature. It's also basically disrespectful to who they are to base the relationship on something that you want them to change rather than simply accepting them for the way they are now. If they aren't naturally inclined to dominance or submission -- whichever you want them to be -- then you need to make a decision about which is more important to you -- the role you want to take or the person as they are, not what you want them to be.

Re: How To Get Your Partner Involved

HEMI​(dom male) • Oct 20, 2022

Ask anyway. Tell him that you like it when he takes charge, and be encouraging even if he fumbles a bit.


Leadership/dominance can be learned, if an effort is made. There is a lot of information available to assist in this regard.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 21, 2022

member has left the building. Profile does not exist.

We'reInthistogether​(dom male) • Oct 27, 2022

Huh it's like me talking to myself and my fucking dog. Send the best conversations I swear but it is my ego talking to my ego that's just funny.

AsPetrichorr​(switch female){not lookin} • Oct 27, 2022

I personally used to find myself getting depressed because of all basic bedroom things with my few ex partners that I had. Depressed in such matter that I used to feel chained inside without being able to express myself, at that point couldn't feel free. Eventually relationships were turning into mundane and unsatisfying chore for me no matter how much I have tried to talk about it or get to know their fantasies and etc. they were quite unwilling to take any participation in such things they simply seen it unhealthy and their exact reply - I don't understand people who like these things, I think porn dried their brain after watching it and putting weird ideas in their head. SO that said I kept my mouth shut about who I am until the end. These few relationships made me realize that i am not cut out for ''normal and healthy'' (in their eyes and understanding ) relationship as I wont feel it to be happy for me nor fulfilling in life.
Also in your case it might be that he isn't feeling comfy as well as little scared about this. It might be hard for him to break through in such thing(and if he is not capable he won't) so i wouldn't push him or change him it might turn very sour.....
However that's just my experience, and my personality.

All of us here are unique in different aspects and we respect that, but there are many people who in our daily life can't understand, accept us or respect us.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 28, 2022

Though the OP has left the site, the topic might be helpful for others in a similar situation.

I've said this every time I see it. If someone isn't naturally into this N that.. Then forcing the issue won't do you any good. If they try to make themselves do these things to make you happy, you'll feel the pretense soon enough, lose satisfaction and so-forth, and sooner or later he'll come to resent you and then the whole deal ends on a sour note.

If you two enjoy your friendship or other things, make a clean and civilized break.

A leopard cannot change its spots--- nor can anyone change its spots for it (like with spray paint --although I don't recommend spraying big cats...)-

But under the makever is the same leopard.

Graffman • Oct 29, 2022

I agree. Either you are into it or you aren't.