Is there such a thing as punishments for Dominants?

Is there such a thing as punishments for Dominants?

ALittleTooMuch​(sub female) • Nov 28, 2022

I get that there are set up rules and decided punishments for disobedient submissives. What about when the Dominant in the dynamic does something that goes against what was set up by the submissive in the rule deciding?

My question is…..are there rules that should be set for the Dominant and if so, should there be some sort of punishment if the Dominant breaks them?

Bunnie • Nov 28, 2022

Firstly, as a disclaimer… I never speak in the context of abuse or harm being the foundation of a situation. The context I speak is within a consensual dynamic that at times will have hurdles.

You’ve touched on something I consider to be a very tricky area for us submissives in this way of life.

The basis being, “do we trust that our Dominant will hold themselves accountable?”

By agreement in a desire for our power exchange, neither of us consider it to be my responsibility to hold Him accountable… even though we have agreed that He will hold me accountable. That’s a lot of work for Him. Of course we have both made mistakes… both of which require correction. My correction comes at His hand. His correction comes at His discretion. Communication is an ongoing constant in our dynamic. Everything is addressed, discussed and decided upon as a course of action. In the earlier days, this included His failings. These days as my trust in His ability for introspection and desire to take responsibility for Himself, not as much… unless it’s necessary.

I believe it can be damaging if we as submissives take on a position of feeling we need to “police” our Dominant… or worse, it becomes a tit-for-tat. Sounds exhausting to me actually! However, in the early days while trust is being established, I definitely get it. I am terrible for it… any reason my mind can find to run, will pop up. Flaws, mistakes, failures. My biggest struggle is overcoming disappointment. Again… learning trust. How is trust built for me? Consistency in intentions and actions meeting.

So… do I personally believe there should be a way of punishing a Dominant? In all honesty, if they take their position seriously… they’ll be punishing themselves enough. What they need from us is love, understanding, and forgiveness.

Bunnie • Nov 28, 2022

Having said all that, perhaps in some dynamics it’s needed. An example I just thought of could be within a DDlg relationship. Perhaps a Little needs that reassurance through action that the Daddy/Mummy understands their mistake and is willing to show their remorse in a way that helps the Little to feel safe again.

Ultimately it is always what works within your agreed upon arrangement.

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Nov 28, 2022

The real test of a Dom's ability to discover the needs for both in the dynamic, design a set of communication systems that lead to excellent sessions that keep enough fun and spark in the dynamic: does she keeps showing up ?

Dom's regularly punish themselves, alright, mostly by driving off an otherwise willing partner. I propose that both partners need to find a voice the other hears, listens to, honors. Well-skilled interviewing of each by the other may not be sufficient in the long run, but will be a starting point in an early relationship.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 29, 2022

Depends on the power level of a given dynamic, but while I believe dominants should hold themselves accoutable if the screw up, for a submissive to "punish" a dominant.. shutting them out, witholding things... That, from my point of view would up-end the dynamic, but in cases of a pair who are both switches, sure. Have at it.

The only "punishment" I can think of that doesn't screw around with the nuts and bolts of a D/s dynamic is if the dominant turns out to be a jackass or does something that's over the line--- then the sub dumps their ass and leaves. Kind of extreme,so it would be in the event of an egregious breach of the agreement --- ignoring safe words or, if not in a poly deal, sneaking around with new, even possible "replacement" subs.

This can be gradually more common with the length of a relationship like this. One or both get bored with the other and finally one "steps out" . But that's about the time a dynamic is no longer dynamic, so it's likely time to toss it like a worn, leaky old shoe anyway.

kaoh • Nov 29, 2022

[quote="Miki"],
...but in cases of a pair who are both switches, sure. Have at it.

TLDR

Maybe this should be its own thread and maybe I'll spin it off but this sparked a question for me: Are switches taken seriously by the community in general? I've always considered myself switch and straight. I enjoy giving pleasure up to moderate pain to a restrained female but also enjoy being helpless and at her whim. Does this make me a tourist or hobbyist to the community at large?

That being asked, the best thing when playing with a long term fellow switch is an "oh you remember when you did this? How do you like this?" scenario. And so, things tend to ramp up naturally over time while keeping each other's boundaries. Yes it is a dream scenario and have only had a lasting one a couple of times but in this situation the "punishments" are built in. "Oh you pushed my limits when you were on top? Guess what we're doing tonight?"

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 29, 2022

I think Bunnie is pretty spot on with her comment, especially that last part about Doms punishing themselves enough if mistakes are made.

As far as Doms breaking rules, that may be a separate issue depending on what you mean. Dom rules in my opinion are respecting the submissive’s limits and safe word and basic relationship rules (no cheating for example). If those are broken by the Dom, the submissive would be justified in ending the dynamic completely. Otherwise in my opinion, rules are for the submissive to follow.

That’s not to say that Doms can’t mess up in other ways and that the submissive can’t bring it to their attention. They absolutely can and should. But then leave it to your Dom to correct his own behavior.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 29, 2022

I wouldn't use the term "position" but I otherwise completely agree with your point. If ever I felt like I didn't live up to the demands I placed on myself, or that somehow I failed to meet the duties and obligations to my sub that I assumed as her Dom, there is no greater anguish than the feeling that I have disappointed or hurt her.
So, yes, that would be more than enough punishment.

To answer the OP - very generally speaking I would say that the nature of D/s is not such that a Dom is strictly subject to rules or punishments per se, not in the way a sub might be, but I interpret the sentence "something that goes against what was set up by the submissive in the rule deciding" as being something that contradicts or violates what was agreed upon by all parties during negotiations, including all limits. It is common - and a very good idea - for the consequences of doing so to be negotiated as well at that time.

The question of "should" (in this case should there be punishment for Doms) is perhaps more one of propriety or correctness, and there will rarely ever be a consensus definition of what those are. So I think that we, as Doms, should hold ourselves to a higher standard than our subs, our community, or our peers hold us to.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Dec 1, 2022

I think a better question is "What are some ways that a Submissive can address an instance when a Dominant 'gets it wrong' and it affects the dynamic."

It is my belief that nomone should loose their voice or their ability to take off the "kinky" hat and communicate with their partner as equals. Sometimes a "trigger word" needs to be said that signals "I have an issue I need to discuss in a consequence free zone", "I need to express myself and be heard", "we need to pause the kinky roles to fix something.".

To me, it doesn't matter WHAT type of dynamic you are in, you don't stop having feelings, thought, opinions, desires, and individual experiences JUST because you agreed to a certain format of relationship. You don't stop being human just because you are a submissive. You also don't stop being capable of holding a respectful conversation just because you are upset.

Communication doesn't stop just because you get naked on command.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 1, 2022

Hey Miki, I would like to state that I am not trying to start an argument with you, I am actually curious about where you get the information that you constantly share in forums. I've read many times where you state that you have never been in a D/s relationship and have no desire to ever be in one yet you always seem to have answers to D/s relationship questions. So how do you form your opinions when you have absolutely no experience? Do you get all your information from YouTube videos, do you read books...which books? Seriously, what kind of research have you done?

Again...I am not trying to start an argument, I would really like to know.