s-type Sabotage

s-type Sabotage

Bellona​(dom female) • Jan 30, 2018

Does anyoneone have any expereince in an s type intentionally messing up to get attention? I don't mean in a playful, braty way but in a malicious, can't ever do the right thing, kind of way.

I believe this might be a subconscious reaction to physical separation and the D type's pursuit of new/additional partners, which has always been a part of the dynamic. The s type has historically had a central role but that dynamic is changing with an in-person relationship becoming a LDR. If so, how do you deal with it beyond communication, which has been tried? I am seeing damage to the dynamic and hope there is a solution.

Villanelle​(staff) • Jan 31, 2018

I have experienced something along these lines. It took a lot of heavy discussion and brutal honesty to get past it. At the heart of it, at least in my case, was insecurity, but it took me some time to figure that out. Although I hate the idea of rewarding bad behaviour with my attention, sometimes that is exactly what is required to work through. In my case I went out of my way to spend time focusing on my submissive, without him asking or expecting my attention. I also made sure to reinforce how important he was to me and to give him concrete examples of ways I found him useful and pleasing. Although it sounds like your submissive could handle your situation in the past, even a reasonably small change in circumstance can require a refocus.

I wish you the best of luck in getting through this with your submissive.

Asteria​(neither female) • Jan 31, 2018

It might not be helpful, but... I want to tell you how it looked from my point of view. Because there was a time when my behaviour was pretty unacceptable and to some extent similar to what you describe, although the reasons were completely different. Now, after me and my Dominant went through it, I can see my own mistakes, but it was not that easy to see them then. I used to try to push all possible lines and that was annoying and irritating for both of us.

But the truth is that it was not even about what I wanted, but what I _really_ needed. Because of some reasons I needed more attention, but the way I have been asking for it (pretty often not directly) was probably the worst possible. And however receiving my Dominant's attention might appear as rewarding, at that time it was something that was not really a reward but just something necessary, something that was basically condition sine qua non for our relationship to still exist.

Sometimes even small change in the dynamics may cause insecurity and provide to unwanted behaviour. Sometimes change might touch the deepest fear or something that submissive tries to hide even from himself / herself.

My behaviour at that time might have cost us everything. It took us some time and a lot of effort to deal with those issues.

So if your submissive has a really hard time and trouble handling something which makes him ask for your attention in such annoying / desperate way, then... the question is whether you really want to give him your attention. Bellona, you said that dynamics between you is changing - maybe your submissive does not feel secure and that changes are simply too difficult for him?