Are Sex Fantasies Dangerous?

Are Sex Fantasies Dangerous?

GloriaBrame • Sep 15, 2023

Do you ever feel conflicted about your sex fantasies? Like perhaps they’re “too extreme”? Do you sometimes wonder if your sex fantasies are dangerous?

It’s a conflict my clients have often voiced. They are turned on when they have certain fantasies but once the thrill-ride is over they view themselves with contempt. They worry that their fantasies will send them into a downward spiral.

Sometimes, it’s about the porn they watch. They chase the dopamine rush of new, exciting, and sometimes extreme. Then they’re afraid the extremes will be their new normal and will wreck their lives. (Read How to Move Beyond Porn Dependency if this is your situation.) Or they may lie to their partner about their fantasies and feel terrified about getting caught.

Sex Fantasies are Universal
Sex fantasies are a universal human phenomenon, with about as much diversity as you’d expect on a planet of 8 billion people. Some of us don’t have any, and some of us have galaxies of fantasies dancing in our brains.

Long before there was an internet to make porn easily accessible, people felt the same fears about sex fantasies when they departed from the norm. It made them question themselves and their own sanity. They worried they could become helpless slaves to their own depravity.

I was one of those people. I thought I must be sick or broken to enjoy kinky fantasies and kept my fantasies locked down tight. Without access to porn as a kid, my mind still raced through crazy, often non-consensual S&M scenarios. I felt doomed. I hated myself even more when one boyfriend rejected a low-key request to try bondage by saying, “Oh hell no, I only like the normal stuff.”

Growing up in cultures that groom us to stick to a narrow set of rules on sex, it’s not surprising we feel profound conflicts about being turned on by things that others consider weird. It makes us feel abnormal. Our anxiety about not fitting in, and about how people would see us if they knew the crazy fantasies we have, usually leads to self-recrimination. We worry it makes us unlovable, dysfunctional freaks. “If John only knew what really turns me on, he’d divorce me,” or “If Mary knew what kind of porn excites me, she’d run away screaming.”

How can we reach a more self-accepting and self-forgiving space? Are sex fantasies good or bad? Are some fantasies more dangerous than others? Like so many other ambiguities in human life, there are no simple, one-size-fits-all answers.

So let’s explore the realities and risks of sexual fantasies.

What Do Sex Fantasies Say About Us?
Oddly, they actually don’t say much beyond “This scenario aroused me.” They are not a measure of our morality or a barometer of our ability to form healthy relationships. A bisexual or homoerotic fantasy doesn’t make a person bi or gay, just as a transgender fantasy doesn’t mean we want to transition.

That said, one of the coolest things about fantasies is that they can open the door to new possibilities. “Maybe I should explore or experiment with new things and find out if I like them?”

Fantasies are good fodder for our libidos and great outlets for creativity. They release innate primal energy and provide safe ways to explore otherwise forbidden or high-risk territory without actually going there in reality.

Where Do Sex Fantasies Come From?
Just like the dreams we have during sleep, sex fantasies are spurred by a combination of factors. Mostly, it’s natural human curiosity about experimenting with a variety of sexual behaviors. Occasionally, they tell us that we need more or different to feel fulfilled. And, often they take unpredictable twists and turns in our subconscious minds.

When fantasies cause deep internal conflicts, then they may be signaling emotional baggage. I’ve worked with many people who were so repulsed by their fantasies that the question became not whether the fantasy was unacceptable but whether they were trapped in a cycle of using fantasies to punish themselves.

But what better place is there to break all the rules than in erotic fantasies? They are fictional escapes from normal life, like a role-playing game. Sure, you may be a bloodthirsty barbarian in a DnD game, but when you’re with your family, you’re still the person they know.

Are Fantasies Dangerous?
I take an existentialist point of view on this: a person is their actions, not their dreams. We are allowed to have bizarre private thoughts. What we cannot do is hurt people or break laws in real life. Real-life actions have real-life consequences.

From my clinical experience, I’ve observed that the people with the biggest fears of fantasies carry a burden of sexual shame and low self-esteem.

Sexual shame makes them interpret their fantasies as despicable. The fantasy isn’t the problem. Shame is the problem.

Low self-esteem makes them doubt themselves, which leads to poor self-trust. They are afraid they’ll make stupid, self-destructive choices. The real risk of them going off the rails is usually small. Their lack of self-trust is what makes them feel like they are a danger to themselves.
Fantasies aren’t dangerous. Some people are.

When Should You Fear Fantasies?
You may feel like punching someone who cuts you off while driving, but chances are you’ll just honk at them or swear to yourself. You might even say, “I could kill them!” and not be haunted by that thought. Why? While you know that some people have violent road rage, you know that you’re just blowing off steam in a safe way. A dark thought doesn’t make you a bad person.

Apply that to your sex fantasies. Imagining non-consensual or extreme acts is one thing; acting on them is another. Let’s consider BDSM for a minute. In action, BDSM is a consent-based system. We may simulate extreme fantasies but we also follow rules on mutual consent, limits, boundaries, safe words, and mitigating risk. Our goal is to enhance erotic pleasure through self-regulated action that will not harm ourselves or others. BDSM is not dangerous to most; but in the hands of people who don’t respect our rules, it certainly can be.

People who cannot separate reality from fantasy are similarly dangerous. So are people who lack human empathy or have low impulse control. For those who can’t self-regulate, fantasies may become ticking time bombs. So if you’re one of those people, sure, worry. If you’re not though, then you’re not likely to suddenly act on those dark fantasies.

Fantasize Freely But Play Safe
Use your fantasies to escape, to explore, to turn yourself on. As long as you sleep well afterward, you have nothing to worry about, no matter what dark corners you explore. Play safe in real life, enjoy the ride in your fantasies.

originally posted on https://gloriabrame.com/are-sex-fantasies-dangerous

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 15, 2023

They're just fantasies. If they're really "too extreme" you'll know it and lose interestlose interest. A fantasy is only "extreme" if you act on it and get hurt physically and/or emotionally.

Similarly a fantasy might be too extreme in the eyes of someone else.

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Those are just general answers to the topic header. I only skimmed the post. Not meaning to be offensive, it's just how I roll:

I don't do well with walls of text.

TwoRingsOneChain • Sep 15, 2023

I think much of what you're talking about is how people are brought up or how they live their lives. Those who live in the vanilla world, when they get into fantasies. They may feel guilty about what they're doing because it's not their normal way of thinking.
But when you're talking about people that are into the the lifestyle and kinksters who live on the edge play in a daily situation. We would not be feeling guilty about what we are doing. Because for us this is normal.

Steellover​(sub male) • Sep 15, 2023

I've said something similar to this before, but my guilt stems from having these dark, submissive, kinky fantasies that would turn off any potential romantic partner. And, therefore are unfulfillable as well as unhealthy.

As a male, I fear being judged as "Cringy" for having these thoughts or expressing them. (Yes, even on here.) If I asked my romantic partner to tie me up, spank me, or other things I won't elaborate on here (but you get the idea) she would probably drop me like a hot potato. Reason being, most women, even many self described dominant women, just aren't into that kind of play.

So yes, I have felt a lot of shame and guilt for having these kind of feelings, because ultimately I want a healthy, romantic relationship, and the reality is, in my personal experience, that just isn't compatible with kink and fetish.

TwoRingsOneChain • Sep 16, 2023

Honesty, Trust and Vulnerability walk hand in hand in any relationship.
I have to be open to my partner, to become transparent to Him. And i want Him to see through me. Yes, it can be scary to become so vunerable. He could take my heart, and break it. But i trust Him enough to know He cares for everything that is me.

This is what you must have with your partner. If you want to build deeper onto that relationship, you must be willing to go onto a limb.

autisticbarbie • Sep 18, 2023

No, I never feel guilty about my sexual fantasies, and I have some 'odd' ones just like many of the other folks here. This sounds like a catholic / christian guilt thing to me. Self-awareness and being honest with yourself and the people in your life (as appropriate) solves a lot of these problems. I've seen it with a lot of the male doms on this site - they hide their lives and real personalities from friends and family and try to fit in with society's norms. They can't integrate their emotions with their actions, so they lash out and then feel guilt afterwards.

Bunnie • Sep 18, 2023

This was a great read, thank you.

As quite a literal person I struggle to relate to fantasising about something I wouldn’t do in real life. My brain just doesn’t seem able to create scenarios that are unrealistic, nor does my body respond to them. Most of my fantasy thoughts are based around past experiences that I found hot, or scenarios I’d like to actually try. It’s often something that I have to remind myself of, that others possibly see play as roleplay, or talk based on fantasy rather than reality.

This mindset has, as mentioned, worried me at times, of “going down a rabbit hole” I can’t come back from. But also as mentioned, as I am learning to trust myself more, that fear has lessened.

Shaded​(dom male) • Sep 18, 2023

I read about myself totally in this thread. I have used writing to explore my hidden D/s fantasies for many years. They started 'normal' but as new topics presented themselves for further expansion I delved much deeper and felt enormous shame. I did not know anyone else who felt the same way as me. I still cannot share those stories to this day (not that they are anything more than D/s fantasies) because they still have within the words the shame I carried at the time.

One day I will get them out and see if I really should be tied to a stake.

Steellover​(sub male) • Sep 19, 2023

I have used writing and story-telling as an outlet for some of my D/s fantasies for many years. Both on this site and on another erotic literature site. It is a catharctic feeling to lay out scenarios I will likely never experience in person, and to live vicariously through the characters in my writing.

The problem with putting these ideas out there, is that there is a risk, even on kink-friendly sites, that such stories won't be well received. Or, in fact, will freak out and offend people who read them and find them disturbing rather than erotic. Which, when it happens, simply gives negative reinforcement to these type of feelings, and further feeds the cycle of shame and guilt. I've ended up removing stories I've posted on other sites for this reason, after suffering much embarassment (and offended readers.) And on this site, I have made an effort to "tone down" the heavy kink content on some of my earlier blog entries because, well, not everyone's kink is everyone's kink, so to speak.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 19, 2023

... again, follow your better judgement.

A fantasy is nothing to feel guilt or shame about, but also bear in mind some things are best left unspoken/unwritten.

If you contemplate writing something and it makes even you "shiver me timbers" then it's likely a good idea to keep it private.

The exact nature of whatever fantasies which make you feel guilt or shame you don't mention, and shouldn't, ----but suffice it to say, unless it is Jeffery Dahmer-type bullshit, you'll be just fine.