Lifestyle BDSM

Lifestyle BDSM

Sololoquy • Oct 11, 2023

I'm new to this and starting to understand how different it is from vanilla sex. The intensity is nothing like I've experienced before, and it's also somewhat about the sex, but far from completely. There's so much more going on.

I've realised that the trial I'm going through for Kinktober isn't bedroom only, but actually lifestyle, because there are choices and rewards and punishments going on between the time I set aside for a scene.

Having ridden out the worst of sub drop a couple of days ago, I'm aware still of an ongoing impact physiologically that I'm handling OK just now (anticipation, excitement, frustration). The main impact that bothers me is my appetite being lowered. I'm still eating and drinking fine, but I'm not enjoying it.

This makes me wonder: How do you regulate this kind of intensity 24/7? Do you incorporate longer periods where you're able to decompress? How long do you go between scenes (if they still count as such)?

Perhaps I've set myself too tough a challenge here, and I'm monitoring that in myself so I can stop if needed. Maybe taking a break to split Kinktober in half is a compromise - then I can take stock, fully unwind and recalibrate before doing this again.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 11, 2023

To be honest, there are very few people who do it 24/7.

Even when I was full throttle, years ago, there were times when I would lapse into vanillahood. Doing 24/7 is very hard and takes a great deal of mental and emotional work. Particularly of the Dom/me.

These days, when the lifestyle is more configued to the physical, you don't see 24/7 talked about. Once that bedroom threshold is crossed, they go back to a rather vanilla setting.

Sololoquy • Oct 11, 2023

When you say it's more configured to the physical, what do you mean? I'm not clear if that means sexual or non-sexual or both. I've come to learn that often BDSM practitioners aren't in a relationship of a romantic nature. Do you mean that if it develops into that, things become more vanilla?

Would you say lifestyle BDSM practitioners just make it more than bedroom only but less than 24/7 then?

Purĕ​(sub female) • Oct 11, 2023

I just talked yesterday to a dear Dom of mine.
We talked a bit about his sub and their relationship. They live together and all this 24/7 thing.
When I asked what would be if he decides she wouldn't be enough as a sub anymore, if they would break up or go into a vanilla relationship I was shocked that he doesn't even consider her a Girlfriend and that they would just go separate ways.

Maybe I was here naive, but I always thought in my loveydovey head that 24/7 or even a Reallife D/s wouldn't be possible without considering my Dom as a partner in all crimes

But as TopekaDom said, 24/7 is hard. And in my eyes also not really possible when both parties have also a (fulltime) job.


(in case nothing I wrote makes sense, I just woke up and my brain is still asleep)

Sololoquy • Oct 11, 2023

That's interesting 😯 I guess it makes sense. I found a romantic relationship to have plenty of challenges in its own way, and doing this is giving me plenty of challenges in a whole other way. They feel like two very different worlds and I can imagine it being a lot easier to separate the two and simply find a fellow kinkster you're compatible with and like and trust enough to practise together.

I can't personally see how I could do that whilst also having to think about that disagreement we had last night over me spending too much on clothes when we're supposed to be saving for a holiday and the usual sorts of crap that comes up in a relationship. That would kind of get in my head and mess with my ability to do a scene, let alone 24/7.

Everybody's different though.

I do work full-time and I am all parties (solo), so I know it's not something I'd be able to do 24/7 even if I wanted to. I'm mostly just trying to be aware of how much I can practise during the times I'm free to without it knocking the balance too much, not to mention that I have the experience of being both Dom and sub to decompress after, so I think that breaks are probably a good idea to keep me right.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 11, 2023

This is not a perfect analogy, but it helps give me perspective.

i approach the lifestyle trying to base it on what is vs expectation of what should be. One way i think of it is as we have appetite, hunger for food. That can be based on both need and desire. Food nurtures us in many ways, both physically and psychologically. What we eat, when we eat, why we eat has myriad reasons conscious and unconscious. i doubt all those things can be 100% quantified, but i like to be as aware as i can, so paying attention in the moment becomes the crux for me.

Kink 'Lifestyle,' like food, is different for everyone, so to me blending lives together in relationship adds more complexity. Some in relationship develop patterns where they sit down in a particular place at regular intervals to 'eat,' various factors go into it like who prepares the meal, who shops for the ingredients, who pays for them. Some meals are more satisfying than others, some more nutritious. Sometimes it's fast food, others a seven course meal. Some eat the same thing for breakfast everyday. Intermittent fasting is a thing.

In my thought process about lifestyle, i can insert the various needs/desires of "lifestyle" into that analogy, again, to get perspective. It's not perfect, but for me it helps me to look at it, consider it.

Sololoquy • Oct 11, 2023

That all makes sense to me. I guess it depends on the parties involved as to how best to manage the intensity - maybe intermittent fasting works for some, while just keeping to a steady routine with less variation works for others.

I think my instinct for myself is steady routine would have to be lighter but given I find all this much harder to compartmentalise, intermittent fasting may be better. I feel like when I go about my regular business, the word KINK is emblazoned over my face because I'm still processing and it just messes with my ability to focus. I know people can't actually tell just by looking at me - it's just a feeling.

A friend told me that right now, this is all kind of new and shiny for me, so it's going to be more distracting. Perhaps it settles down once you've been doing this a while...

Bunnie • Oct 11, 2023

I don’t tend to see 24/7 as constant kink. For me it means that our dynamic is the foundational mesh of our relationship. Everything, even when working, or with friends, or sitting on the couch watching a movie, centres around the fact that He is Sir and leads, and I am me, and follow.
To me personally, “scenes” are a planned session and occur with whatever frequency is desired, whereas everyday spatterings of kink within our daily life are simply “normality.” The dynamic itself (the power exchange) is always there, built into our daily fibre through both “protocol” and simple agreement, regardless of what’s occurring in everyday life. So, although it’s not an ongoing daily basis of intensity, it is still always at the forefront and centre of my mind and actions.
Hopefully this makes sense.

ThomasVa • Oct 11, 2023

I use to be amazed when I would look at a dynamic, D/s being 24/7 Or long distance , that it was not always what you saw. Most subs would think it it was the most important thing in the world. Where the Dominant had a different view. Whether it being poor communication on both ends or just one not being truthful. I think most people in this kind of relationship would be surprised how the other answered with the question…..How committed are you to this relationship? Who am I fooling? Most people in any relationship would be surprised.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Oct 11, 2023

Very much we are creatures with many facets and aspects. Much like Shrek, we are like onions - so many layers and desires and expectations. We aren’t just Dominant and submissive. We cannot just be a Master or slave all day without focusing on the rest of life.

With regards to any lifestyle change, whether with to call it Vanilla Wedding or BDSM Dynamic, you don’t just jump in the deep end without knowing how to swim or training for the event. If you mean to do it for life, you train for a marathon, which means you train and take time off to recover, you eat and drink and make sure you have the right diet. You train your body and your mind.

Many (way too many) consider the physical/sexual aspect to be the main focus of the 24/7 goal; when in fact it’s the icing on the cake. True 24/7 is about the power exchange - one member gains value and rewards from establishing and maintaining the schedules and order; the other member gains value and rewards from complying with and ensuring the order is followed. And within the rewards, there is the intensity of the sex being earth shattering. It isn’t the sole focus - but it is a spectacular outcome.

That being said, when you meet someone, you must work at communication and establishing your schedule. Slowly build it into your regular routine so that you can absorb and handle it. Too many individual dive in head first and by the end of one week stop communicating and ghost out. It’s too much. You need to start slow, build up strength, resolve, endurance, and then train for the marathon.

I do hope I made sense.