Do Dom/mes Settle?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 28, 2023

^^This^^.

i think the notion that 'love' means compromise is overtly and subtley woven into the 'normal' cultural fabric of romantic relationship. How often is the argument posed: "...if you loved me, you would_____________." Anything more romantic than passive aggressive lol? The notion that 'love' means sacrifice is common, and even ennobled as an ideal, while pursuing what you want/need is labeled "selfish."
Western culture conditions us to hide our self (cause it's selfish), and instead construct socially acceptable images that we present instead. We end up getting into relationships that are between images instead of real people. Images are hard to maintain in relationship, sooner or later, that unravels and what's real bubbles to the surface. But there's lots of confusion and frustration when reality surfaces because we're often not even aware that we are have it reversed and are trying to live with constructed images instead of what's really there. Trying to be what we should be instead of what and how we are.

We do not grow up learning how to be self aware and we do not typically learn how to articulate who and how we are as part of our education or upbringing.

i read Your post and cheered. This, to me, is maturity and understanding. i believe successful and sustainable relationship is built on symbiosis that results from compatibility... "meshing."

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Oct 28, 2023

I have met so many married sub partners that were hiding this from their "regular" partners because their entire life would come crashing down if that person found out they wanted to eat out of a dog bowl or whatever. So many marriages on the rocks because one partner is masturbating to fetish porn quietly in their office or crossdressing when everyone's out and the other thinks they're having a full-blown affair, when it's really harmless fun that's hurting no one.

THE HAPPIEST GUY I KNOW is the one that finally came out to his wife as an extreme kinkster! She isn't into it at all but she loves the idea that there are women out there yelling at her husband when he doesn't do all the chores so she doesn't have to. He got the happiest of endings by going against the dominant culture and it warms my heart so much. Most people won't get that ending, sadly, but he did and I'm here for it.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2023

This is an odd dry analogy but here it goes.

Seeking Jeff finds seeking Sally playing checkers. Jeff likes Sally ( Sally warms up to him) The checker board is cool but Jeff finds chess more stimulating and fulfilling. They have the common interest of board games and definitely a chemistry heating. Both Jeff and Sally are life learners and creative people. They decide to engage in a D/s dynamic. After the initial zing and surge of brain chemicals they hit points of frustration and at times boredom. Because they are both dedicated and invested in the dynamic they lean on into creativity. Over time the Jeff creates the board game that both stimulates and fulfills him and one that Sally thrives within. Because of the right match they created something on a deeper level of intimacy than if he had found someone who played chess. They have formed some awesome memories together, and overcome challenges.

If we are here to maintain the status quo what are we doing here? Being challenged is the joint that allows pivot, new perspective and growth. But I am a sub and challenge is the way to bliss. This is just my perspective.

I'mME • Nov 2, 2023

SageFlame,

Your perspective on the OP's question brings an important factor to this topic. I will stick with Jeff and Sally. Jeff has a 'must' list of kinks and it is this list which dominates (haha see what I did) their thoughts when they chat with potential subs. It's (the list) also the reason that no sub ever measures up for them.

Do Dom/mes ever do a self-inventory, go through their list and re-evaluate like the advice always handed out to subs.

There are countless profiles of Dom/mes where they write out how they will push a subs limits.

This pushing is not even necessary if a foundation is built right, trust being a main component.

Sally may have things on their list that don't interest the Dom/mes, hell Sally may have things in their darkest corners that are not on their list.

So Jeff meets Sally , they hit it off, they both share similar values, they don't beat their dogs, they both believe in tipping servers well. They are months into getting to know each other, the ways that each other think, kink in general has been talked about but not each others 'lists'.

(I know this last sentences may have shocked some people around these parts )

So Jeff and Sally have decided to take the next step and see what each would desire out of this dynamic.
They both have things relating to impact play,
bondage, and humiliation is on Jeff's list but Sallie is a fuck no.
There are so many different types of humiliation play, actually, because everyone is an individual, the different types may be limitless. Through discussion, it's discovered that it really boiled down to the TYPE of humiliation play that Sally received.

This is just an example of what some would see as a no can do, I'm not settling situation.

Is there a kink or some sexual aspect that would have a Dom/me feeling that they had settled if they were to enter into a -ship with a sub who says hell no to it, I'm sure there are a few.

What I wonder though, is not having one or 2 things off of a list worth walking away from someone that checks so many other boxes on the form?
Of course, if one feels (Dom/mes or subs) they are settling and carries that feeling into a dynamic, then that's probably what will ultimately drive said dynamic. ( Whether either party is consciously aware of it, it will be in some remote area of their brain) and very well likely be the demise of said -ships.

I thought that that in a Power exchange both parties should be expanding and growing not just the sub side?