New and Inquisitive

New and Inquisitive

LaceyMarie​(sub female) • Mar 30, 2018

I have recently gotten out of a 4 year relationship where there was no sexual excitement. It was very straightforward missionary only. I have always been intrigued by BDSM but hadnt ever pursued it because my partner didnt want to. I now have the option to explore it for myself and would.like to do just that. I have been researching and studying but would also like to have conversations with people who are into the BDSM lifestyle so that i can learn more and be well informed moving forward. I am a very strong and independent person in my life until it comes to sex.then i become very submissive and that has been me as long as i can remember, that is partly what draws me to becoming a sub. So please feel free to message me if you would like to have a conversation or even have tips tricks or advice lol (: thank you.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Mar 30, 2018

A few tips and tricks: (Note and apologies to all the fine Dommes out there. Pronouns and words that follow are from the male heteronormative perspective, but not unique to them. Substitute 'she' for 'he' or Domme for Dom where appropriate if desired.)

-Fill out your profile with the information you've posted here. Look at a few others for examples, and only include what you're comfortable sharing. I would be very wary of anyone who approaches you based on a blank profile.

- Seek out and talk to experienced subs. There are a ton on here, and many are smart, kind and more that willing to take a new sub under their wing for friendship and advice. They make incredible friends and allies. Scour the blogs, forums and chat room for smart subs whose thoughts and words resonate with you, and get to know them better.

- Your situation isn't uncommon, and you seem to be taking matters into your own hands and doing your homework. This is all good. You're still young; some people don't reach the state you're in now until many years later. You've got a nice head start on finding your true self.

- This one is a bit more serious. There are predators out there. You've just admitted you're a sexually inexperienced submissive and asked for folks to message you. This is a dinner bell for this type. There are some that are kind, skilled and truly enjoy training and teaching new submissives. There are a lot more that prey on them because their tricks won't work on anyone who knows better.

***New submissives crave the new feelings and arousal that comes with BDSM, and react very strongly when they get that. Any decent Dom on here could probably have you completely enthralled pretty quickly. The predators will try and convince you that this is some sort of special mystic power that only they possess. BULLSHIT. Telling an inexperienced sub what they want to hear is EASY. Remember that. ***


Here's my best tips and the ways to avoid that. Predators will always try to cut the weak ones out from the herd before they attack. Beware of the following:

- anyone who tells you not to speak to other Doms without their permission. In a decent relationship, this is done for the benefit of the sub, to keep predators away. Even then, I'm not a fan of the behavior. If a Dom truly has a deep and real bond with their sub, no words from another can threaten that. Predators do this to isolate the sub and keep anyone from pointing out red flags or danger signs.

- a decent Dom should be willing to listen, answer concerns, and more importantly, should have NO ISSUE with his words and techniques being scrutinized by others. They should also be willing to defend their words and actions publically. Ask and seek feedback about any potential Doms from the community in general. If something sounds odd, ask questions. If not publically, then to someone you trust. Never assume that something odd is right and that you don't know any better because you're new.

- don't ask anyone interested to message you. You're not a mindless trophy or a princess reviewing suitors. That's passive, and lets predators into the mix, and in some ways (especially with you being new and inexperienced) will bring out more predators and less genuine and kind people. Read, read, read... then take the initiative and approach the Doms YOU like and feel drawn to.

- read profiles, read blogs, read forum posts. Be very, very suspicious of anyone that doesn't have anything to say there. Words will out the true self. Every single time. Predators stay silent for exactly this reason. The less they write in public, the less chance they have of being spotted for what they are. I've seen a few on here vanish and appear back under new aliases. The bullshit still smells exactly the same. Hanging a label on a horse declaring it a zebra does not make it so.

Read, think and stay safe! Listen to that little voice in your gut. It's instinct, and it's like a muscle; if you use it regularly, it will get stronger. If you ignore it, it will grow weak and atrophy. Exercise it on a regular basis.

Best of luck on exploring your new kinky side.

Dumbledore​(dom male) • Mar 30, 2018

Other than the excellent points Fudbar brought up, I'd like to add one more: please don't assume you are submissive. As you state yourself, you're coming out of an uninteresting relationship; take your time to experiment with what it is that you want before proclaiming yourself to be one single thing.

You might not be a submissive, but a switch who likes to dominate as well as submit. You might very well have been submissive in sex because the dynamic in previous relationships simply lead in that direction. You might find out you are OK with a "normal" relationship that has some kinky sex added into it.

Don't define yourself too early. Take your time to experiment (safely please!). Talk to lots of people. Read a lot.

And have fun

LaceyMarie​(sub female) • Mar 30, 2018

Thank you both so very much! (: i am very appriciative to all who have just openly talked to me about it all and understand that atthis point im just looking for knowledge. I have already kind of been able to spot the predators.... They dont make it all that difficult in some.cases lol

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female) • Mar 30, 2018

Hey LaceyMarie, totally agree with and echo both Fud and Nirvanescu's posts. There are a lot of really great people here, both as prospective partners and friends/resources. However, like any gathering of humans, we have our bad apples too. It's great that you've already identified some of the bad guys, but I'd caution you, in my opinion those are probably the rookies! The experienced (and more devious ones) sometimes fool people with time in the Lifestyle, especially those of us (admittedly, I'm one) who doesn't always read between the lines of the appealing words they write. Keep an open but cautious mind, make lots of connections, and be patient. Welcome to our kinky community and I wish you the best in your journey! - Henna

GentlemanDom​(dom male) • Apr 2, 2018

You'll come to find like society in general, there are people you will meet and get to know, but few that you'll admire and respect. You're on an evolutionary journey in life and keep those important fundamental values of integrity, honesty, context aware and patience in mind when communicating with others. There is a lot to absorb in the beginning of your journey coupled with new experiences and emotions, all I can see is do your best to keep things in perspective and move forward and trust slowly. As others have indicated, those that want or demand your compliance early and without earning your trust are to be avoided.

Another way is to read about the community and lifestyle and see how it feels at this point in time for you. There are a several authors out there and perhaps along your journey you'll get recommendations on articles, books or other materials. One popular author who has written several books is Elizabeth Cramer whose books can also be found on Amazon.com. A link to one of her books can be found here that you may find of interest. https://www.amazon.com/Submissive-Training-Things-Submissive-Relationship-ebook/dp/B00TSLJNTQ/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Best wishes.