Feeling valued

Feeling valued

SweetStarling • Jan 30, 2024

I'm curious from other subs and doms... is it typical for a sub to feel like are not good enough? And what do doms do to make their subs feel valued, safe, and seen?

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2024

No. Not unless that is part of your particular humiliation kink.

What does anyone do to make another feel significant and valued?

A person listens, acknowledges, makes time, makes space. Makes gestures big and small. Tries and works at the relationship. Is consistent.

Only time tells you if you are compatible, on either or both sides.

Sweet Minx​(sub female){NotLooking} • Jan 30, 2024

Hey again.

I think there is no typical in any dynamic. You have to think about your needs and wants from your Dom. I need a lot of reassurance and affection for example. Maybe more then most. It soothes me and nourishes me. But it works for us. I have to communicate and ask Daddy if something is bothering me. Noone can be a mind reader. Excellent communication always takes two. I'm an overthinker and can get absolutely anxious and make up bad scenarios in my head. But talking through it makes me feel safe and loved and builds trust ♡.

Hope this helps a little 🌻.

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Jan 31, 2024

In my opinion, I feel many submissives have a tendency to feel "less than", "unworthy" and the worst, as you said, "not good enough" . I think many feel that way because as submissives we WANT to serve and please our Dominants at all times. That can way heavy on us, because we're always wanting to do and be better.

For me personally, I have negative thoughts often and need a lot of reassurance like Snow Minx. But as she also noted, there needs to be great communication from both in the dynamic/relationship. My Daddy checks in non stop. He has daily tasks for me that show His love and appreciation for me. But those thoughts can still creep in. He usually knows when I'm "off" before I even realize it. He will often task me to write a "special journal" (above my usual one) to get those nasty thoughts out, then we discuss in length those negative thoughts and wash them away. He does that by first validating that they are my thoughts in the moment, but then reassures me that they're just my negative demons at play and He does a great job at slaying those demons with love, understanding and being truly present with me.

So, in the end, it is natural for those thoughts to creep in, however, if they are constant, and not your kink? Then I would suggest having a very candid, open and transparent conversation with your Dom about feeling that way. ❤️

NicNacNat​(sub gender queer) • Jan 31, 2024

Mostly supporting what others have said.

For me there has to be reciprocity. Even if it’s just an acknowledgement of a completed task there needs to be a balanced exchange. While I need a lot of words of affirmation I am really bad at giving them. I am very much an “acts of service” kind of person.

I’ve only been part of one dynamic (so far) and it ended rather abruptly. Simply put, it felt like I was putting in more acts of service than receiving what I needed. I had a hard time separating my “everyday-you’re-not-good-enough”s from my dynamic “you’re-not-good-enoughs/not-worth-their-time.” Eventually I realized that my needs weren’t being met and the dynamic was unbalanced. I tried to express that but the willingness to put the work in wasn't reciprocal.

I suppose my main contribution is that if you try to initiate that conversation about necessary changes, and they do not reciprocate: it’s okay to end that relationship. I just wanted to add that bit since my experience was different to the others.

100% this ⬇️

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Feb 1, 2024

Thank you, NicNacNat for adding this as it is so important to know that no one (on either side of the slash) should stay in a relationship/dynamic where they don't feel valued or efforts aren't being matched in some way. ❤️

Guyyy​(dom male) • Feb 1, 2024

Your question is "is it typical for a sub to feel not good enough?"

It might help to understand that emotion.

Why do you not feel good enough? Is that just how you feel all the time, or is it something that your Dom does or says?

If it's a Dom making you feel not good enough I would suggest talking to them about it. A good Dom will listen and try to adapt to your needs so that you can feel safe, valued and seen.

This may take time and work from both of you, but if they aren't putting in the work they probably aren't ready for a dynamic. Dynamics are still relationships, and all relationships are complicated. But anything long term requires two parties to grow and care for each other. If that's not there then you might want to consider getting out.

Sweet Minx​(sub female){NotLooking} • Feb 1, 2024

I think that what the original poster was asking of Doms has been overlooked. If your sub came to you with these concerns - what would you do to make her feel seen, valued, and safe?

Guyyy​(dom male) • Feb 1, 2024

Thank you for asking this. I think that situations like this require a lot of soft skills, and there isn't really a simple answer.

In this situation I believe in making sure the space is safe. Thanking her for bringing this to me, telling her that her feelings are valid.

I like to ask clarifying questions. Assumptions lead to misunderstandings. It helps both of us if she can find a name for what exactly is bothering her. If something hurts a lot I will verbalize "Ouch," because it's a good way to indicate hurt without being dramatic.

Once everything has been aired it's helpful to practically identify things we can both do. Most concerns are not one way in my experience. When I bring up things with my sub it always involves some level of change from me as well. A lot of times we feel closer at the end of the conversation and the trust has been built.

As we work to improve things I will validate her progress. "I've noticed how far you've come (with x.) I'm proud of you!" This usually takes weeks or months, but it's important to see the person for who they are, not their past mistakes. This should go both ways for a successful relationship.

Hopefully this answers the question in a helpful way. I'm always growing at getting better at these situations too.

lambsone • Feb 1, 2024

If I get a lot of silence and non-contact from a potential Dom who initiated the contact, and was enthusiastic about it, I tend to think they have learned something about me that is not worthy of their attention. And that makes me feel bad about myself sometimes. I feel and think even worse when I accept a relationship and this happens. Consistency in spending time with a sub would help that.

Acknowledgement of what a sub is saying when in a conversation, instead of dead silence, tends to give me the impression that the Dom is bored with me. Saying a quiet uh huh throughout, or asking questions about what she's saying gives me the impression that the Dom cares about what I'm saying.

Eye contact when spending time with someone communicates to me that I am worth something to them. If they are looking around or waving to someone while I'm speaking to them, it tells me that I'm not high on their list of priorities.

And there are other things, but it all boils down to showing common communicative courtesy in any kind of relationship. Even pets react to being ignored. We all want relationships that are demonstrative of caring and value and it affects our self esteem in a multitude of ways when we don't get it from those we are involved with.

Real life Story: my mother had a bad habit of saying a certain phrase if and when I made a mistake. "M ____ , the older you get the dumber you get." Such an encouraging thing to say to another person who looks to you for care and value. What did I do about it? Mostly I felt like I'd never make the right decisions or be good at anything. Until one day as an adult in my mid 30's, I put two and two together and said back to her: " Mom, if that were true for all people, you'd be a blithering idiot by now." She never used that phrase on me again.